I thought
With all  
The things  
I kept
Forcing into
My body-
Men and drink,
Smoke and pills,
Powder and laughter,
That there
Would remain
No space
For you
To infiltrate  
All my
Muscles and molecules,
Crevices and atoms,
Or the
Mind and heart
But, just
Like these
Reaching words,
Your touch
Never ends;
By twos  
Or by threes
I'll shed
Salty tears
And swim
Harsh seas
Until my
Shoddy body
Heals and
My weakened  
Muscles build.

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi