If the sign on my door says "Don't come in, call 911"
Just turn around, walk or run
Knowing that my demons won

For many years I fought this war
I'm bone tired, down to my core
Gonna let my demons settle the score

I'm thinking only of your sanity
You don't need to see the depravity
Of the way I set my self free from gravity

You don't need to see the gore
So I'll just let you know, I am no more
As I place this sign upon my door


DON'T COME IN, CALL 911


©Pauline Russell

Mind, nothing more than a swollen abscess
With long forgotten memories, pressed down and repressed
With enough pressure, the accuser becomes the accused
As agony is seared in, and infused
Childhood stolen, of ignorance deprived
Innocence lies rotting where it was buried alive

©Pauline Russell

Walking continually in the rain of desperation
Drowning in the flood of my dire situation

Mired in my grief by the muddy suction
Shackled in barbed wire chains of my self destruction

Watching the Wind's of Change, bring life's next squall
Surrounding me, protecting me, is my wailing wall

As the Sand's of time unmercifully does it's eroding
Agonizing memories, the darkness keeps exposing

Thoughts start to spin, start to twist and contort
Demons there to greet me, in my mind they love to consort

Struggling with all my might, still doesn't help, I am stuck
Sinking, I'm getting enveloped by life's gooey muck

Slowly submerging in suicidal quicksand, seeking only peace
Depression sinks in it's sharp teeth, for death is release

©Pauline Russell

When it's my time to go
My spirt from my body will flow
It's off to the crematorium, I know

Don't hold on, just let me go
My ashes just let them flow
I'm no longer here, this you know

©Pauline Russell

Help me, help me
You have till the count of three

Help me, help me
It's more than just a plea

Help me, help me
Or my brains you might see

Help me, help me
One.. two.. three...

         BANG

To late, to late
The gun I just ate

©Pauline Russell

You said "I don't know if you think you're just a burden to me or what"

The answer there is yes, that's exactly what I fear
I've been made to feel a burden since the day I was born
But at times I feel like I'm worth so much more
That I'm not just a burden
But maybe someone to be loved, maybe even cherished
But then I think, maybe I'm really nothing at all

Maybe the universe saw I wasn't fit
Maybe in life, I deserved all of it
You have a hard time showing any feelings
In that void you leave me in, sometimes it sends my thoughts reeling
Everything gets tumbled, my words become jumbled
My actions become erratic, so not humble
It's because I fear the worst, that's exactly what I am

A Burden

©Pauline Russell

Born on the darkest of nights
For the stars hid their eyes from the sight
Of an innocent soul born under the bad moon
With the universe this child would never be attuned
In lifes garden, only pain, misery, and sorrow could bloom
From the very beginning this child's life was doomed

The stars wept that night
For an atrocity that wasn't right
The rain that fell on that child's soul
Was meant to comfort and console
The star's sweet tears quieted the wish to die
That only minutes old has already darkening that child's eye

The child grew with a messed up childhood
Every night the step dad at the child's bedroom door stood
That curse of the bad moon
Made sure all happiness out of this life was pruned

The child grew up, found love, or so thought
Only later to realize she had been caught
The grown child was caged and beaten daily
It was the depth of Hell, it almost drove that poor soul crazy

The stars held witness
As the winds of change bent and twisted
Rushing that soul from one tragedy to another
Leaving the child shaking under the covers

The child cried out to that wicked moon
"This sorrowful life you gifted me to soon"
"I never got to taste the pleasure"
"Or lie for a time just in leisure"
"You took happiness, the greatest of all treasure"

Everyday the child struggled through
What else was there to do
But everyday brought new problems the child did it's best to solve them
But it was a constant onslaught
Being born under the bad moon's sign, only agony was brought

The only relieve was at night, when the star's tears fell
It called to the child's soul like a bell
On rainy nights you can find
The child's fragile body and mind
Stand out in the pitch dark rain
Letting all those starry tears wash away the pain
The strain
That resides in the heart, the brain
The star's and the child's tears mix
As off the child's fingertips it drips

In the harsh light of day
Watch this child sways
Watch as the delicate steel soul dances to every blow
Taking the lumps of every thing thrown
It's hard to believe how strong this child did grow
But it's bones are brittle
To crush this grown child would take but a little

This child will never out live the moon's tattoo
There is nothing about it to do
Pushing on
Giving the illusion of being strong
Over to many problems it stumbled
Until the child's soul crumbles
Then the soul will rejoin the universe
Then and only then, in happiness it will be submerged

So take heed when the next bad moon wanes on high
You can hear the stars weep and cry
Pray your child isn't born in that night
That your child will not have to fight for a life that's unlivable
Surrounded in all that is miserable

If you was born under that evil moon
If the star's for you cry too
Do the best you can do
Dance in the rain of tears
Through out all of your years
In the stars sweet rain
It can wash away the pain
Letting you feel the illusion of sane

©Pauline Russell

I was still feeding when the book was shut, I was reading!!
Is that what the fly was thinking to itself,
it got stuck at 'quibbling', the least appealing word
in a book on problems of philosophy.
Were you attracted to the two b's
I'm sorry, I didn't notice you
But you died by the words of a profound thinker
He'd have been proud to know you landed on
Philonous' dialogue with Hylas.
I'm sorry, I didn't see you fly by
you didn't die, in my mind. But
it is your mind that matters
if you were paying attention to Philonous.
You were most certainly a fruit fly
sorry I squished you
were you after the fruit of wisdom
I tried to flick you, but you stayed stuck
I admire you for sticking by words
You mean something to me, now that you
are dead, I think.
But that means you are alive in my mind
This is an ode to you
the wisest of flies
You ate the fruit, that hides in plain sight
humans are flies are humans
we seek the fruit that diminishes
gives us the feeling it nourishes
not the fruit that grows when it falls
its the fruit of knowledge you sought
this is an ode to you fly and fruit you sought.

You’ve been so many places in your life and time,
You sung a lot of songs; you thought some were bad rhymes.
You shared your love on stages
With a million people watching,
But you’re in Heaven now and I’m writing this poem for you.

We know you’re in a place where there’s no space or time,
Loved so much you’ll always be a friend of mine.
And now you think your life is over,
But someday we’ll all be together.
You’re in Heaven now and I’m writing this poem for you.

You’ll never be forgotten Leon…..cause I’m singing this song for you


K. Carman 2016