I know a few things about pain.
Sticks and stones, you know that one,
you know what else hurts?
Being powerless.
Being at the mercy of someone you don't know.
Having a complete stranger put you in a situation
that you can't deal with
that you can't do anything to stop
that all you can do is to pick up the pieces.
To be a victim.


What you don't know can't **** you.
At least, in this case, it can't.
There is something that I know
that I know you don't know
(I hope you don't know)
because knowing this thing that I know
is killing me.
That hurts, but what hurts more
is being separated from everybody by knowing
because you don't want anybody else to feel this pain
and you know there is no escape from this burden anymore
but you hope that there is
but the burden reminds you
(I have to omit this line, or I will be giving you the burden to carry)
(****)
(I am using this website to show you I feel)
(because knowing that you know how I feel is a comfort)
(I am only human after all)

Sometimes right before my head hits the pillow
my teeth start to ache
my eyes dry up
and my hands start to shake.

I never remember why I can't sleep
until those shattering thoughts remind me of the
chatter I made to keep you awake
the signs I'd seek and hoped to make you stay
the thighs I'd grab to tell you it's okay
to be broken.
To think that the world is unholy.
To think the rain only comes when your shining smile starts showing.

Just don't forget that you can't control the weather
and maybe your smile needs to sleep for a while.
Come out when the storm resides to a spot in your heart.
Maybe one day you'll remember the rain is not only a time that
tore you apart,

but a horrible storm that gave you enough water to grow flowers.

I sleep soundly now
my teeth don't ache
my eyes aren't dry
and my hands don't shake

I sleep because I know this small body can't control the weather.
I simply stopped trying because I don't have the power to grow flowers.

Everyday I awake
In my cell
Four walls
Glittering bars
Holding me inside

The cell, ephemeral
the bars, transient
the lock, insubstantial
The guard simply stares

No matter what I do
I remain in my cell
i may leave home
I remain in my cell

What can I do?
I rail against the bars
That I could walk through
I pull on the door in frustration
That I could just push open
i swear at the guard
That would watch me leave
And not care

Why am I allowing myself
To be trapped here?
Why am I so...
Afraid.

They told him he was an orphan,
to be swept, like so much dirt,
under the Empire’s carpet.
He had further to go than the Israelites
to be delivered into slavery.
The men of God would make an honest man of him.

This was not an attitude of prayer
as he knelt naked outside Brother X’s room.
This was no crucifix
he was made to clasp in the dark.
This was no blessed communion
he was forced to receive on his tongue.
This Judas betrayed him with more than a kiss.

Forty years he has carried his cross,
hoping for a resurrection of the truth.
“Silent night, unholy night,” we all sang
and then,
like God,
we were strangely silent.

It begins with your body shaking,
And then your hands clench into fists
Nails digging into your palms.
You’ve felt it build for awhile now,
And feel it well up,
A dam about to break,
As you hear your heart beat,
Bursting in your ears.
And your eyes close by reflex,
As your jaw stretches open to its further extent
There is the noise that causes people to stop and stare.
That makes hearts speed up,
And others wonder why.
This is the raw primal scream.
Do you then slam your fist into a wall,
Again and again until your knuckles bleed?
Or do you grasp yourself tight,
And crumple into wracking sobs,
Gasping for air?
This is a colorless scream.
Simultaneously devoid of feeling,
And filled with every feeling within you.
The desire to die every waking moment,
And that stubborn will to survive.
The rage at being powerless in your life,
Frustration at continuing to **** up,
The cry of trying to be better than who you are,
But not sure why.
The howl of two wolves,
Gnawing at your insides,
You no longer sure which you are feeding.
This is the scream that can crush mountains,
Raze a city,
And deafen all those in its range.
At the end of your rope,
You stand upon the brink of nothing,
And deep within you all you feel that you can do now
is scream.
But then you open your eyes,
And nothing has changed.
So you take a deep breath,
And try and ignore what you just did,
But wonder if it was even what you needed.