It hurts sometimes
It screams inside
Is this pain really mine?
It clenches together in my insides
Making me dream, wishing for a better time.
I'll do just fine
That's always my line.
If something's not there
You're supposed to bring yourself to it,
But what can I seek
when whatever I need
ceases to exist out of my mind?
They say my reckless head helps me,
I tell myself I can use it to encourage myself,
But still it hurts me all the same.
You see, I use it to give what I haven't got
It's of no use because it kills with a slightly stronger dose.

I can try to forget
It can't last long,
Nothing's supposed to be pain free.
However there's other things
I just can't be bothered to feel,
And if I almost do I just stop:
Because they're not the most important;
They don't come back day by day,
Just to join me in the night.
I never had a "daddy" to sing a lullaby.
For years I didn't want one,
Half convinced still I wasn't missing out,
Yet now it's starting to hurt
Then I realise I'll never find my soulmate.
The percentage isn't in my favour,
How could it ever be?
How do you find your one person
out of 7.5 billion?
If I can't have a father,
how could I get an eternal partner?
Lacking strengthens my need,
For that perfect guy in my head to love me.
He's not here though,
And he never will be,
Tough as it is, I'll never be away from him.
Lack creates need,
tries to make up for things:
This is how it feels when you can't fill either gap.

Spaces are filled by made up places.
Spaces are areas without meaning,
Places are of meaning or association, unempty.
The space is one half of a non-existing f a m i l y.
My place is where I can have a future boyfriend made of better things.
My reckless head
Is supposed to give hope and safety,
Shelter me from reality.
My reckless head
Don't they know it breaks me,
To dream of things
That can never be?

Spaces are there.
Places are put there.
Needed
Unwanted
Despair
Desired
Anyone else there?
Is there a difference that you see?
All my minor sorrows seem the same to me.

Monsters crawl in the dark crevices in my brain.
Let me go! Leave!
I'm so tired!
Do you know what it's like reader?
Your eyes scan these words but do you understand?
Young girl, boy, old woman, man, do you?
I wish I knew if you could relate.
Do you know what it's like to exist in a world that doesn't exist.
The real world is just outside but I can't escape my own.
Monsters are everywhere.
Seeping in, scratching at my door.
I let them in every time.
They simply tell me to.
I can't escape..
I want all thoughts to leave my mind and let me be.
I want to go back and not be so alone.
I felt so alone.
That is why I created the monsters.
Only to keep me company.
I was a lonely child.
Everyday I would wake alone.
Every night I would sleep alone.
I was alone.
I was a lonely child.
Loneliness in turn raised me.
It nurtured the monsters.
The monsters shaped me.
I wish I could go back and not be alone.
Loneliness is deadly.
I was lonely for too long.
I was lonely for too long.