broken
shards of glass
and the echoes of
who she once was
all she has
to make it through
but its not enough
the endless battle in her mind
rages on
as she pretends
its all fine on the outside but
beneath her raven hair
an eternal war
behind her ice blue eyes
a fight
every day
to keep going
but eventually
she gets tired of the fight
and her ice blue eyes
break
an endless symphony of
scarred hearts
and tightening chains
marks against skin
until


s
h

a


t



t




e





r

skinny
perfect
quiet
day after day
smiling in the mirror
hiding the pain
because crying isn't perfect
because yelling isn't perfect
never step on the cracks in the sidewalk
never show suffering
never hurt one arm without hurting the other
never eat more than a bite
always happy
but not too happy
always quiet
but not too quiet
or else people notice

music
fills my world with light,
dancing to Cavetown in my room,
letting the happiness fill me up
like nectar
falling asleep to Madilyn Mei,
listening
until the world goes quiet,
a rare moment of pure joy
despite the cloudy uncertainty of the world,
i exist only for myself in that moment

beauty in the unknown,
quiet sadness,
whispered silence,
drawn to light,
but doomed to darkness
"i want to get better"
i never do

scissors
dark
red
marks
help
get me out
i need to leave
this house
the sharpener
calls
as the walls
fall

help me
please
                          i'm
              s p i r a l i n g
        
         down the rabbit hole
                                           but now
                              alice is gone
         all that's left
                   is the

                            mad hatter

a rose garden
filled with beautiful flowers
on the surface
but inside is a tangled web of thorns
every petal another lie, another
"i'm fine, i'm ok"

topiaries in twisting, beautiful shapes
all of roses
lovely on the surface
a fairy tale come true
but that's just what it is

a story

but when the flowers wilt,
when the topiaries grow wild,
the thorns grow larger until they start to stab themselves
millions of tiny punctures
as the music plays
and the petals fall
and the thorns strike the heart
and the vines grow over the corpse

noise
the piercing screams of little children
"no no no!"
i dont want a shot
screaming crying help
but nothing shows
trying to stop the noise from
consuming you as it creeps in
with tendrils made of
every
          little
                  noise
that you have ever or will ever make
but now
you're silent
as you war in your head
clutching your knees wishing you
couldn't hear plugging your ears its too much
its too much its too much its too much
its so hard to breath or move or do anything at all
because everything makes a sound and theres already
                                             plenty
                                              much
       ­                                         of
                                               that

i'm okay
(i promise)
i'm not going to kms
(i promise)
i'm getting better
(i promise)
i'm eating
(i promise)

(with fingers crossed)

please mom
it's getting worse