God your name
feels so foreign to write
those five letters once
told me what I thought my future would be.

I speak it as infrequently as possible,
nearly whispering it when I must.
As if, somehow, if I speak it too loudly,
I'll lose myself in it all over again.

The soap in my shower smells like you,
so I bought my own.
I was left wondering what you were doing,
at 4:36pm on a Sunday afternoon.

You favorite color appears
in the strangest places, unexpected.
I know it should go unnoticed,
why did you have to love such a bright color?

my body almost forgets what it feels like
to be loved by you
my lips almost forget the taste of you
and then it all rushes back

i don't shatter anymore.
when i miss you,
i ache.

no matter how I deny it
there are some days
that I just need you
your arms, your face, your lips
to tell me that I'm strong
and that you believe in me

realizing that my first love
will not be my last
has been the most painful and beautiful experience
i've ever gone through

i will never
let you back in
or so i say
the truth is
no matter how much
i've grown stronger
and changed for the better
if you really wanted to
your curly hair
and silver fire eyes
could probably
steal
my
heart
right back
as if you had never
broken it 3 times over
in the first place

**** him
i wanna take
my own breath away

I spent too much time
wondering if he still loved me
That I forgot to ask
if I still did

tell me, lovey:
do you miss me?
don't lie.
I know you too well,
to be ignorant,
to your signs of untruthfulness
-i knew you better than myself

My biggest fear,
is that you will come back
on a day that I am too weak
to say no