we’re circles and synonyms,
dancing round and round,
never getting to the point.

The world is my oyster, but I'm allergic to shellfish.

Imitation and replications,
Concentration on reputations.
A combination of limitations -
Fascination turned frustration

Admiration and dedication,
Morphing into a damnation.
We’ve lost all sophistication,
By giving into our temptation.

You died of cancer today.
It knocked you down before we ever even knew it existed.
When we first found out it was living inside of you, and as we waited for the biopsy results, we prayed.
We prayed in our homes and our cars and our temples and your hospital room.
We prayed it would be the good kind of cancer.
As if such a thing existed.
But you can’t pray to change the nature of something that has existed in the shadows for so long.
No amount of prayer will undo the mutation and multiplication of cells that has already happened.
So now we pray for peace.
As if such a thing could be so easily obtained.
And we pray for those you have left behind.
As if they will ever recover from losing you.
We send up prayers to a god who has seemingly forgotten your name, except for the moment he called you back home.

I wish it had been you.

Is it love
If it doesn’t rattle your soul
Demand the world
Break your heart

Is it love
If all it does is whisper
“I will hold you together
While you’re falling apart”

The good can never stay
And the bad refuses to go
Your clothes aren't fitting right
And your spring skies only bring you snow

Your hands are numb,
to match your heart
And poison words
From your lips departs

Are these butterflies? Or nausea?
The two seem so alike
I'm puking up my feelings for you
But you turn around to fight

No comfort to be found here
No lingering embrace
All that's left's an empty soul
To match a nameless face

I remember the first night we put you on suicide watch.
I remember how you stayed in my room all night long and laid on my bed while I tried to make you believe that I needed you more than anyone else in my life.
That sentence still stands.
I love you.
You're still my best friend.
And being gone during such a huge, hard part of your life is breaking me down.
And I want nothing more than to tell you all this and stay up late talking to you about infinities and the impossible.
And I want to be 5 again.
Back to when you and I were both happy.
And neither of us looked for bottles of pills or busy traffic streets.

A slow crawl up the hill after our lovers' goodbye,
Just to reach the top and realize,
The view isn’t as great without you by my side.

One line down
Only one to go
A waiting game
And a hopeful soul

One line down
One line stays
It won’t be there tomorrow
It isn’t there today

the god of small things let the lights be green and the hair look perfect and the clothes fit right.
the god of small things smiled at me in the grocery store parking lot and offered to take my cart back for me.
the god of small things left a daisy on my car today, so that I could think of you.
the god of small things said yes when the answer was no and told me to go instead of stay.
the god of small things did not carve mountains with rivers, but did let a stream move over rocks.
the god of small things let me fall asleep in your arms with a lullaby on my lips.
the god of small things said, “this is what we have, and this will be enough.”

I spent a lot of time missing you today. That one song came on that always makes me think of you. And I can't help but wonder if you're proud of me. I missed you more today than I think I have in thirteen years. I wondered if we'd be on this trip if you were here. I wonder if I'd yell at you for using all my stuff. I wonder if you'd cry on my shoulder when the boy at school doesn't love you back. I wonder if you'd roll down the windows with me and sing your heart out. I wonder if you'd look up to me or if you'd learn from my mistakes. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind tonight. Most about you. And I wonder if we'd go out together. I wonder if you'd have a crush on that boy in our church and I wonder if you'd be begging to wear makeup like I was. I wonder if you'd look like me and mom. I wonder a lot. I hope you know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. And a lot of my decisions factor whether or not they will get me closer to meeting you.

“One in one hundred.”
She says, “Those are some slim odds,
You’ll bury a child”

“One in one hundred.”
But countless are gone too young -
So don’t count the odds.

“One in one hundred”
Doesn’t provide any peace,
When kids become ghosts.

They talk about these dead cells. Shocking them back into life. Making them immortal because every time they slip into nothingness they are brought back. I don't believe that any amount of science could bring you back to me. Not the way you were before. Your cells may return but you never truly will.

It is the cruelest twist of fate to be made sick by the things I hold most dear.

The sea.
Love.
Home.

I sat on a Large Rock
While you hunted Little Rocks
The sea lapping at both of our feet
At different elevations
In different places
Connected by the sea
Our invisible string

You kissed my lips,
As the sea kissed my toes,
I could drown in you both.

I never thought I'd be here
In front of this giant among men
As you tell me that you've struggled
And there's a light at the end

I never thought I'd be here
Sitting by your desk
As I confess that I'm not happy
And am wishing for the end

And I never thought I'd be here
As you tell me to hold on
I never thought I'd be here
But I'm already gone

The way your eyes change colors with the sky
The way you bring me flowers on random Tuesdays, because you were thinking of me
The way you worship my body, soft, where I wish it was hard
And the way you open my heart, hard, where I wish it was soft
The way you whisper my name when we’re connected down to our very souls
The way that you are a complete person
And the way I am a complete person
And the way that together we are two complete persons who continue to choose each other over and over again
And the way we are better for it
I never want to forget the way it feels to be loved by you

You said to plant roots,
But instead I grew wings.
You called me a wild, untamable thing.

We crossed line after line,
Before you threw up a hand.
Betrayal hurts like a punch right after it lands.

You grew thorns on your edges,
Let fear consume like a flood.
I’m not surprised that you finally drew blood.

I won’t plant any roots,
Can’t stay on the ground.
Now that we’re lost, I finally feel found.

Brown eyes,
reflected in tide pools of blue.

Nostalgia covers you like a wave,  
and warms you for a moment.

But when it recedes,
it only leaves a cold reminder of its absence.

I lost myself and I found myself.
I lost myself and I rebuilt myself.
And when I did not like what I had made, I rebuilt myself again.
I carved out, and uncovered, and restored, and outgrew.
And I, and I, and I.

And I still don’t have it perfect.
I’m still not who’d I’d like to be.
And my shadow still comes out more often than I’d like her to.

But I, and I, and I will continue to try.

typos are their,
to sea if you care.
your the only one,
whose going to dare.

We all have things in life
That try to bring us down.
We push and pull and fight,
And scream for any way out.

Held tight for bonds of conformity,
Not daring to stand out.
We bury our identities,
And ourselves, begin to doubt.

But there's no reason for these things to be,
Why hide a luminous light?
Forget the rest and live your life,
And let your dreams take flight.

pick up the pen
crack open my chest
see the ink instead of blood
know that every word I write
is for you

The scariest thing,
That I wish I’d never done,
Was give you those words.

I don't know what's wrong.
I can't eat. Sleep doesn't come easy either.
Maybe I miss you, and maybe I regret you.
I don't know if I'll ever know which.
Everyone tells me to hold on
Surely the storm won't last forever.
I feel hungover
My thoughts are blurred. Bored.
But one thing rings clear.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I'm back into my old ways of thinking.
I want it all to end.
Not for lack of life, but lack of enjoyment.
I don't pray for the end
But if it came, I might greet it with a smile.

I used to hate the smell of cigarettes because they reminded me of you. And all the bad decisions you had made. They reminded me of the late night calls begging for a rescue. They reminded me of the broken window and bloodstained hand. You were so addicted to the things that lead to your demise. But you've traded your cigarettes and ***** for Christ and a bible. And you've bargained for your forgiveness and prayed for some redemption. But I still hate the smell of cigarettes, because they serve as a reminder of just how easy it is to spark the things we think will give us healing, but end up catching fire and destroy us.

I wish you’d write something, so I could know how you’re really doing.

if you're reading this,
and you're feeling alone,
if you're reading this,
and you're feeling unknown,
if you're reading this,
and you know who i am,
if you're reading this,
and you don't give a ****,
if you're reading this -
and i know that you are -
if you're reading this,
you're still the brightest star.