All I can say is I'm sorry

That horrific day was so long ago,
yet feels like yesterday when your
tongue speaks it's name.
I replay and replay
over and over
A never ending road that I'm forced to travel
as if there is a gun to my head
and a man that says "walk".

Then there's a wave
that crashes down on me
engulfing me in it's embrace.
Dragging me under as I struggle to breathe
I'm scared
Just as soon as I reach the surface
and gasp for a breath
the riptide pulls me under again
And I return to the submerging dark sea
that does nothing
but haunt me.

I keep replaying it in my head
Like a broken record stuck on repeat,
the expression you had
when you looked at me
and tears started streaming down your face.

My heart twisted and cringed
as every tear fell
You pushed me away when I tried to
console you
"Get away from me."
I was horrified with myself.
The complete utter silence dispersed through the room  
when you left me alone.

You did that on purpose
I think
to let me torture myself
with every thought that consumed me
every little drop of hatred,
running through my veins.
Like poison seeping through my blood.
Every second becoming more fatal
every moment deteriorating my insides.

Then the sky started crying
each rain drop simotaneous
with each tear rolling down my cheek.
I despise myself for hurting you.
I'm sorry.