sometimes I write
so I can obsess
over lines
instead of the
****** feelings
written inside

My heart broke
When you told me with a smile
How he hurt you
In the most intimate way
Without you even realizing
It wasn't right

I find pictures of you
I've never seen before;
The same missing feeling,
Only just a bit more

Whoever chases me in my dream tonight,
I will stop and ask him why

One guy punched holes in the wall
When he was angry at you

I broke my chair
When I lost you for good

What will this one do?
Nothing at all, I suspect
Not a care

Imagining you playing with a baby
is the cutest thing
When you asked me why,
I should have said
because I just love you

This will probably make you uncomfortable for one reason or another.
Most likely, you'll be ashamed on my behalf
Perhaps angry at me or something I write here
Frustrated with me
Depressed by my outlook, maybe
But I will still share it
Because...I don't know why, really. It's not art. It's just me.
Anyway,
I don't spend much time with people who are really in control of their lives and going in a positive direction
I gravitate toward people like me who just get by based on whatever talent and skill they were born with
Most of them don't do as well as I do in terms of externals, like holding down a good job, some money in the bank, buying a house
Most of them do much better in terms of being okay with themselves
I don't know anyone as unhealthy as me
That really hits me when I have it in front of me
Out of all my friends and people I know, I don't know of anyone with as unhealthy of an internal life as I have
I end up scaring, hurting, or creeping out the people I get closest to
And when my internal belief is that there's something deeply wrong with me, that only confirms what I know to be true
Counseling (every week) is no longer helping, if it ever was
I tossed ****** addiction therapy and recovery a long time ago and I'm not going back, but at least I'm not getting worse to my knowledge. Unless I'm in denial. I am significantly better than I was in the months leading up to tossing "recovery."
Let's face it. I'm obsessed with a girl who is LONG GONE.
I gave up on anything coming from that, but I am obsessed with thoughts about it.
Maybe that means I haven't given up.
I'm pretty sure I have freaked her out a couple ways even though I am not a stalker and haven't done anything that could be called aggressive toward her.
I really don't even write "blunt poetry about love, loss, and loneliness" anymore. I just write **** that passes through me.
I tell people I think I'm unhealthy.
I'm completely sober and I'm seriously considering sleeping on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever been this low?
I'm not this way constantly. But the fact that I'm not consistent just makes me feel unstable.
One minute I'm on 4 dating sites, the next I'm disabling all my accounts and deleting my apps because either a) a girl upset me or b) I feel too unstable to be looking for anything.
Now how about if that girl read this? She'd know she escaped a serious disaster.
And notice how it comes back to her for me. ****** up and I know it because I'm intelligent. But that doesn't fix it.
And I do forget about her sometimes now. I think that is honestly getting better. There, that's my glimmer of hope, tossed you a bone on that one.
Might as well end it on a positive.

You know how
some want to
fix their lover
and others badly
need fixing—
What if you're both?

It's not that feeling sad
isn't worse than feeling happy
It is worse
It's that there's nothing
wrong with you
for feeling sad

So don't be ashamed
Don't hide it inside
Where it'll only fester
Bring it out into the light
And we'll kiss it away

Recorded as spoken word: https://soundcloud.com/user4081486/behind-me

how would you feel

if you sat behind me

as I sit at my desk

as I read poetry

as I write poetry

as I consider what's going on in my heart

as I think about how much I miss yours

could you fall in love with me again?

I'd write a sad poem
About how you moved on,
I didn't,
And how I miss you

But I'm too tired
From getting high
To keep you off my mind

Oh, thanks for the message
Even though we're not talking anymore
Sure, you're welcome for the birthday gift
Glad you like it
Thanks for the lies

I'm drunk and I want you
I make a fool of myself,
But I'm thinking about you
Is that so wrong?

A friend reminds me
I'm not to talk about it
Not with her

And I remember
I'm not to think about it
Not at all

I have all this depth;
a heart
that bleeds

But when I meet someone new,
it's blaaaaand
What's your favorite color?

Why can't my heart
come out
and speak for me?

God,
Can I please go out like this?
Because I'm smiling
Harder than I ever do
Riding with my friend Bradford
My brother, I love him
And I would be okay
If I died tonight

Have you
Even once
Gotten drunk
And a little high,
Swirled your glass,
Looked through the bottom,
And remembered
What it was like
To sit on the couch beside
And listen to this
Belle Musique

I slipped on the curb
Rolled on the ground
Caught my fingers in the drain
And there they go
A trolley rolled by
Severed my legs
Reached out to save them
Instead, my arms joined them

For years I struggled
To tailor my look
To match what's inside
What a relief
On this beautiful day
By no effort of mine
I look like me

I see you dancing with him
I see you grooving on him
I see his friend tap him on the shoulder
I see him smile and point at you
I see you waiting for him
Dancing on your own
I see him
Using you
And I'm sorry

I feel a little bad
that you couldn't just post that
"I LOVE YOU!"
to your new guy
because you wanted to
but that it had something to do
with being freaked out
by the last guy who was into you
so I'm kinda sorry
but I'm also still hurt
but that's alright I guess

when I had you at home,
or even had a chance,
I could go out
and not want anyone
I no longer ask,
where have you gone?
but I would like to know
when the next you will come

You and I
were a beautiful love,
but not one meant to last
We loved the same music,
but in completely different ways

You were over at my place one time
We were talking about everything
You were opening up
Unusual for you
You said you weren't good enough for me
That you felt like I was supposed to do something special
And you would just get in the way
You cried, the most openly you ever allowed yourself to in front of me
I said you would make a wonderful partner if I'm supposed to do something special
I meant it. You would have been my choice.
And when I recall this now,
I also remember
No one has ever made love to you
What an opportunity I missed.
To share that with you
In your moment of vulnerability
Would have been beautiful
And I cry
Because I wonder if anyone ever will

You shake it
and it happens
just like a music video
You turn heads,
make hearts fall,
turn us on
Most girls who shake
only pretend
You've got it real
and I don't think you care

You break through my walls
Arrive at my core
Caress what lies there
And I'm lonely no more

You're the closest companion
Anyone will ever be
You calm my troubled mind
But why do you leave?

You make me so sad
Have fun in your new state
The one that's the opposite
Of where you wanted to live
Thanks for inspiring my heart to hate
It feels worse than I'd imagined
But it's all I have now sometimes
I just can't believe you

maybe if I sing myself a lullaby,
I'll feel better enough to sleep
...what a sad thought,
a grown man singing himself a lullaby

Please don't show up now
I'm not ready to meet you yet

When I die
I want you to remember me
Flip through my photos
Like I would do of you
Read my poems
The good, the bad, the disturbing
Let the tears stream down your face
Empty yourself of breath and gasp
As you cry as hard as you ever have
Because this is how I always felt

Edit 11/5/2014:

In case you are really reading this after my death, I love you, and I will say hi to God for you if he's up there and if I know who you are and if he's a cool dude and not all authoritarian. Or if he's just a really loving guy; I guess he'd like to hear from you then, too. Anyway, I wasn't really quite this sad all the time, but I did feel a lot of loneliness, and I was sad. Severely lonely at times. Like there was nobody that got me at all and nobody that wanted my true self because if they didn't get me, how could they want me as I actually am? But I do love you even if I couldn't accept your love the way you wanted me to. And I'm sorry I couldn't. And I probably miss you.

Dad,
And Mom,
If I pass
And you find all this,
Find some mushrooms
My friend by the same name
May be able to help
Have a bunch
And stare at my paintings
And you'll know who I was

You know how songs
beat by the measure
One measure ends
Another begins
And then it loops around
and starts over again

Is the next measure
the one
where you loop around
to find me
again?

If you're anything like me
Like peace and quiet
Or kinda keep to yourself
But you're a hot girl
Do you ever get to ******* relax?
Or do you constantly have guys
Approaching you
Because if you were acting like me
Right now in this bar
I would be talking to you
Not sitting here alone
In a booth

No,
I'm not on drugs
I'm just this ****** up of a person

I love to get drunk and dance
Nothing gets me closer to free
If you want to dance, too, you can
But please don't complicate me

Packed boxes all around the floor
Dresser drawers with no dresser
Laundry piles
Not sure which are *****
Yard waste fills up the yard
And when I go to clean it up
Instead, I just think about it all again

All you did was fall away

I would wait forever
While you're off on this journey of yours
How many men will you go through
How many hearts will you break
Will you remember my love for you
And will you be home before dark?

when you figure it out
like my first love did,
and you look back
and see what you
left behind
as though
you've grown
a pair of
new eyes,
I'll lend a
listening ear;
I'll genuinely care;
I'll appreciate
what you want
to repair;
but I doubt
I'll ever
trust you again

Not the whole me, anyway
I...can't share who I am
Not here, not now
But I write
To give you hope
There's someone else
Like you
And if you are you;
If you're the one
I'm speaking to;
The one who knows
Exactly what I'm
Hinting at;
Well,
You are pretty broken
But people improve
And they disprove
What others believe
To be absolute truth
And I
I am one of these
And you could be, too

Remember how we were together,
you and me?
How I would say
good morning,
it's another pretty day
And I'd look over,
and there she was,
and it was - pretty, already

And she'd go her way,
we'd go ours,
and we'd think about her
But just at the time
she left for good,
you left me, too,
and you're not
coming back either,
are you?

as life blows by,
we're told to
grab hold
of every moment;
seize it;
soak it in;
but as we
fall from this cliff,
though we
give it our all,
these hooks we hold
merely scratch the wall;
so as I drop,
I wonder instead:
when will I wake up?
where will I be?
and these
dear faces
I glimpse
as I fly by,
will they awaken next to me?

I won't talk to you,
*****
My friend might,
but you ****** him over,
and I won't stand for it

I remember when
thinking about you
wasn't the
most toxic
thing
I could do

I just want you to read this
And say ****,
That guy has heart
Because...I do

I remember one time
You came over
And when I opened the door
You sorta met my eye
And had a little smile
On your face
As you brushed by
It was just enough
That I knew you were
Happy to see me
Not just as a friend
Or a familiar face
But someone
You had been wanting
To see all day
And I smiled back
As I closed the door
Or I was already smiling
As soon as I heard your car
And we had fun that night
You might have left earlier
Than I would have liked
But we were smiling
And you were mine for that time
And now I don't know
What happened
Wind blew
And time
And conversations
Anxiety and drugs
Fear and distance
Coughing these up in our lungs
When we took hits
From your blunts
Suddenly it wasn't just fun
Nothing can be easy
Nothing simple
I still think about you
All the time
And I still open the door
But when I do
You're not there
And
I don't smile
So much anymore

It's strange that we were carried around in our moms in the same area
And that we each took our first breath in the same hospital
Maybe we breathed the same air, though it would have been stale by the time you were there
It's strange that we walked around nearby and went to the same school in our different bodies
That we probably passed each other in the hallway
That years later, we actually met, had small talk and flirted
That our bodies met for the first time
That we smiled and touched each other
That part of my body was inside yours
And that what went on outside, I guess, caused some issues between us
So now someone else's body is in yours
Someone else I shared hallways with
And orange slices at soccer games
I don't really like how it is now
I wish I could have just stayed inside you
I think we both liked that

You told me I made your list;
your list of who you'd pray for
the rest of your life
I made the list, man
What did I do to earn it?
I was a good kid
with a little problem,
and then it lead me to divorce
Were you praying then, man?
Was I still on the list?
And tonight, as I cry for a girl
I haven't been with for a year,
am I still on your list now?

Why, when I hear music that makes everyone happy,
Do I discover I'm sad?
Why, when I hear stories of a life of purpose,
Do I realize how meaningless it all is?

I break apart from my past
Leave what can't be behind
I search for new truth
But there's nothing to find

I don't know who you are
or what you're doing now,
but I cried a lot for you
when I was 16,
and the only reason
I don't cry for you now
is that everything
is more complicated now,
and I've cried about it all
too much already
There's not a lot left here,
but maybe
it'll come back
once I meet you

What lies within this man
is apparently gold,
at times, for others
But toxic thoughts keep him
from daring to enjoy anything
Please, someone distract him
before his life has fled
and he finds his false beliefs
were of the worst kind there is
when he could have had others
just as false,
but not suffered without end

All he wanted
was to lay naked with her
with hands on each other's hearts,
to look into one another's eyes,
and to see the tears trickle down
in the deepest understanding