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My foggy mouth tries to hide behind rain-smacked glass.
She says goodbye with complacent stares
and with the sudden flash of an umbrella.

The red of her dress doesn't belong in my life.
Each of her strides carry my resentment and weariness,
alongside the melting grey of the Seattle skyline.
So, I don't yell for her or imagine our lives,
as the windshield wipers sweep her image, out of sight, but not out of my head.

I return home, the half I was for decades.
The tread of my shoe mashing bluegrass,
digging up seeds and insect carcass, with every step.
Storm-soaked magazine subscriptions lay on the porch,
and her name is tattooed on every one.

The dog lays on the carpet, ears and eyes perking up at me.
And he knows he's truly alone, because I'll depend on him.

Eggshell kitchen cabinets are jammed with her:
Vermilion, saffron, and burgundy glasses hold
half-empty hangings of golden flat draft,
keeping her day-old, dried saliva smothered on the edges,
like transparent ocean waves dying on a glass coast
and buried in the bottom of the sun-pierced vortex.

What I couldn't realize is that the cup was me:
marked in so many ways,
letting decaying memories burrow and stay.
 Mar 2015 smallhands
Hayleigh
I miss the way my name slipped through your lips the way water slips through finger tips
 Mar 2015 smallhands
R
Untitled
 Mar 2015 smallhands
R
I'm learning how to find the stars in my own eyes.
 Feb 2015 smallhands
serendipity
He's never heard of mood music
Lucky for him
I'm always in the mood
For making love's music
 Jan 2015 smallhands
gee
i was a bright
spring flower

then i lost
all my pollen

but the bees
keep buzzing

the bees
keep buzzing
Sara not so plain and not so tall
Daydreaming in the shopping mall
As blond as a summer day
Speaking of herself in a peculiar way:

"I'm pretty, yes, but I wish to be better;
To be the admiration of a love letter."

But her beauty is the kind that lasts
And makes your heart beat especially fast.
Finland born but London found,
Lovely, sure, but greatness bound.

And the nights grow more tiresome,
as her chest beats a tattered drum.
Her mood too dreary for speckled eyes
that will dim if night blurs into sunrise.

"Sleep why do you run from me,
as my memories grow.
Eyelids, be a blanket,
And melatonin, a pillow."

Victoria Lucas in her head,
as the bell does ring until fed
by the words that sound soft to us
but are actually strong and thus
she is misunderstood-lips are red-
Like Greenwood inspired, kissed dread:
She can save herself before jarred,
Before feathered, before tarred.

And it is my faith that lets me know,
That her happiness will one day grow
Because Sara not so plain and not so tall
Is the strongest of them all
For the lovely Sara Murray.
 Dec 2014 smallhands
lachrymose
YOUR LIFE IS NOT A BOOK.
DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM EVERYBODY
DOESN'T MAKE YOU DESIRABLE.
IT MAKES YOUR FRIENDS LEAVE
AND YOUR PARENTS WORRY.
LAYING IN BED ALL DAY
FIGHTING NONSTOP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND
WATCHING NETFLIX, BINGING ON CHOCOLATE AND HATING YOURSELF AFTER
THESE ARE NOT POETIC THINGS
YOUR LIFE IS NOT A BOOK
NOBODY IS GOING TO LOVE YOU FROM A DISTANCE
NOBODY IS GOING TO NOTICE LITTLE THINGS
LIKE HOW YOU TALK WHEN YOU'RE SAD
AND HOW YOUR EYES LIGHT UP WHEN YOU THINK OF THAT BLADE.
NOBODY THINKS YOUR MASOCHISTIC TENDENCIES ARE "CUTE"
NOR ARE THEY "NORMAL" OR "NICE" OR "GOOD"
NOBODY WILL GET YOU HELP.
YOU HAVE TO DO THAT.
NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU PITY YOURSELF.
LEARN ABOUT THE WORLD.
LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF.
FIND OUT WHAT YOU LIKE TO WEAR
FIND OUT WHAT YOU LIKE TO DO
AND DO THAT.
GET HAPPY. NOBODY ELSE CARES IF YOU'RE HAPPY.
YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM YOU.
YOU ARE NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.
THE DAMSEL IN THIS STORY
SAVES HERSELF.
JUMP OUT OF THE CASTLE, RAPUNZEL.
GET HAPPY AND GO LIVE.
LIFE IS SHORT.
DON'T WASTE IT.
 Dec 2014 smallhands
lachrymose
december is near.
blink your eyes,
december is here.
here come the platters piled high with
sins.
is this really "the most wonderful time of the year'?
god, it all
looks
so
good.
the whispers curl around my ears.
no. no.  fat. calories. crunches. jumping jacks. calories. fat. weight.
the holidays aren't about family.
this is war.
this is about self-control.
this is about my honor.
on goes the lip gloss, the too-big dresses
so nobody notices how fat i am.
"have you lost weight?"
stop making fun of me.
"aren't you going to eat?"
i'm nauseous. lies
i already ate. lies
i'm eating later. lies
don't touch me.
don't hug me.
don't speak to me.
surrounded by sins
calories
fat
bait for their traps.
*just one bite?
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