In the silence,
your screams, snares & glares
bite me the most.
That last attempt,
was the only attempt
I survived,
physically unscathed.*

© Sia Jane


"It has been concluded that a human soul weighs 21 grams."
Dr. MacDougall

I wanted so deeply, truly,
without words, a tune,
a lyric, or a song,
to be,
oh my dearest love,
to be,
your national anthem,
to represent you, my golden
note in the sky, flying past
birds circling our skies,
the stars, and stripes, the
colours,
to be,
everything that represented, my
commitment, love, loyalty,
the unspoken,
patriotic, musical composition
gluing us together,
devoted I fell,
oh my dearest love,
we were the one,
placed ring,
do you remember my dear,
my great grandmothers ring,
the purple stone, and how
the emerald would,
grace my hand, a signature
of love, eternal blessings,
the vastness of,
Great Windsor Park, all
those lengthy trails, deer
hiding, behind the lens
camera clicking, as we
waltzed down, our
imagined up isle,
who needs a church,
when we have, horses
that gallop, our capes
we are red ruby slippers,
clicked,
we are the two princesses,
without our, frog kissed prince
we have changed the ending,
curtailed the tale,
we have used our,
unstoppable
love,
to make our own,
day dream
(nightmare)
a true, match
made in heaven,
to only,
end in,
hell,
cursed by the power,
of the malevolent,

wicked witch,
of the west.

© Sia Jane

My mum she always told me I was akin to
a butterfly
She described me as an electric blue that matched
my eyes
One that no one can miss or go unnoticed yet one
who flew
In a way that meant she was spotted and seen
never observed
Fleeting passive outgrown unlived her soul that soared in
spiralled loops
Never let her go they cried out as a child for she will only ever
run away
Each flinch of her wings each momentary rest she knew time only
chased her
So she flew escaped wandered endless continents with each breath
new life
But never forget the old proverb; all that is gold does not glitter
and essentially
Not all those who wander are lost
Because I am not lost, I just found my wings that were all at once clipped
when young.

© Sia Jane

It hurts
my heart
Aching for
her
What will
never be.

How do I tell
anyone
The secrets I
hold
Within
me.

Butterflies
form in
The pit
of
My
stomach.

Her smile
is my
Smile
her happiness
My
happiness.

I'm lost in a
mind field
One of love,
lust
Coupled with
anxiety, fear.

I'm trying to
let go
I'm
trying
To move
away.

It hurts
my heart
Aching for
her
What will
never be.

© Sia Jane

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
―Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

On the first day, he was pushed
robust in his stance, the other forced,
this boy down the spiral staircase
of the Catholic church, the school
had renovated, the Spring before
Isaac had begun his studies,
at the high school.

Ballet was his passion, Latin was the
language that so effortlessly, fluently
was spoken from his lips in class
as he smiled at his Professor, another
victory accomplished in academia
so proud were his parents, of their
blue eyed boy.

Jonah was the reject, the older brother
he had been kicked out of school,
not once, but twice, and was often
found with a joint, his unshaven face
wrapped around one of the girls,
from the all girls school that ran
alongside Isaacs all boys.

Issac was hurt, a further blow to his
stomach, rendered him broken
as a waterfall of tears ran down his
bruised and cut face, so ashamed
as other pupils laughed, staring, pointing
until the final bell rang as they fled from
the high ceilings and narrow corridors.

Wrapped in a ball, he waited for all
halls and students to clear, and as
he rolled over, picking himself up
he took to the washroom, knowing he
needed to be presentable for his mother
waiting for him at the school gate
brimming with pride, at her boys scholarship.

All his dreams, mystical and serene, Romeo and Juliet
fluid streams of poetry of Elliot, Poe, Hughes
and of course Wilde and those love letters of Beethoven
math, biology, all paled into insignificance
he was born a writer, a dancer, a drawer,
sketching and typing his heart to a page,
prose a future love would read.

Johan saw his mother's car pull up
as he raced and giggled with Saskia
leading her astray, he promised her all
the things those boys always did, and of course
not to break her sweet sixteen heart, unlike other boys
as his mother smoked another Camel, the two lovers
jumped into his truck, Johnny Cash blaring from speakers
laughing hysterically, the world at their feet.

By 4pm, Isaac was ready to leave school,
tentatively walking out the main door, down
concrete slabs as steps, no predators in sight
he couldn't hide the dark circles under his eyes
that formed as bruises, knowing he was fortunate
to have not been damaged further
by the haunting before last period.

Walking to the gates, he listened through
headphones; Tchaikovsky
his release
his home
his saving grace.

© Sia Jane

She was an
unorthodox spirit,
never owned, certainly
not ruled. She broke the
rules; rebellion soul. Winged gypsy;
ocean day flights. In awe they flew,
not beside; behind her; they insisted on protecting this
archangel. They named her Silver -  her wings provided the
means; desires for travel & adventure. As white as pure
silk; eyes a crystallized stone blue.

© Sia Jane

You told me to draw you,
so I painted your body in crimson & gold.

You told me to write you in scribe,
so I wrote you a sonnet, fourteen lines across your back.

You told me to leave a mark on you never forgotten,
so I tattooed your soul with tebori ink.

You told me to taste your scent,
so I walked down the lane, collected tobacco, & smoked a cigarette from your favourite apothecary.

You told me to find the name for the aroma that lingered when you left the room,
so I closed my eyes whilst sat beside you, & inhaled you like the cigarette I tasted on the way home.

You told me to image you naked, like Rose being drawn by Jack aboard the Titanic,
so I turned away, took a seat in the Cumberland leather chair, placed charcoal between finger & thumb, sketching an image of your silhouette in black dust ash, a memory that found me from when you slept beside me last night.

You told me to pick a flower that I gave to you the first time I whispered;
"I love you,"
so I wandered amidst the clouds & air of mountains far & wide, until I found the flower I so remembered.

In remembrance, I knew to pick such a tender delicate stem, petals so fragile they would melt in my grasp, the flower would cease to be what I loved,
for, I love you.

You are the rose in all its abstract glory,
you my dearest are no possession.

If I were to misunderstand such beauty, you would simply fade to exist,
so I sat down beside you, a painted memory,
shed a tear,
knowing this memory of you
would suffice.

© Sia Jane

Haunted,
I glance at my reflection in the taps
by the end of the bath
I am kneeling and I plunge my head
down into the bath water
to which I poured scented oils
I feel the weight of my hair
tumble over my head
I don't breathe as my heart
beats faster
I stay under the water
I force myself to stay there
water begins to fill
into my nose and my head
it stings with the pain
I am gasping oceans of water
my head is tossing back and forth
my eyes open,
all I see is the red I paint my
nails with daily
obsessed by the depth of colour
the polish provides
my hands are flat to
the porcelain base
gasping, chocking, I refuse
to allow myself to breath
my chest tightens
I want to stay under the water
until I can no longer
stay,
with no real weight holding
my head to the bathtub floor
I rise as fast as lightening
my hair all over my face
as I sweep it aside
and the already overfilled bath
spills out onto the bathroom floor
knocking over the Sancerre
and there is nothing but my heartbeat
that I can hear,
until at last, I can hear the notes
of Florence,
her album Lungs,
coincidence, or other
Hurricane Drunk
a passing sin, to drown sorrows
in the curve of a wine glass
to dim the noise of
a war within.

© Sia Jane

---

I'm going out,
I'm gonna drink myself to death
And in the crowd
I see you with someone else,
I brace myself,
Cause I know it's going to hurt,
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse.

Florence & The Machine

The chance to blossom, the fear
of failing,
weighing so heavy
on,
my broken,
encapsulated heart
no return, only the
desire, lust
to prove myself, worthy
a candidate,
of caliber, meritorious of
praise,
the extremes, of this
bipolar,
express, they named
it,
would surely bring,
a cast opened
soul,
drinking blood, vampire
of this night,
inspiration from
constellations,
midnight skies
feeding,
pleasure, gluttony

Tell me,
am I laudable
is this,
my true calling
or, am I yet,
again,
fooling myself,
even you,
squirrels in the attic,
batty,
deranged,
maniacal,
unhinged,
unhooked,
berserk.

©­ Sia Jane

When I met you I never would
have dreamed,
that I could fall and feel
as fast as I did
Your heart was an open shell
cracked, broken, echoing within
as I whispered to you
let me in
Your head so filled with
desires, dreams, hopes
your happiness mine
your love my love
It broke me inside when
realising how deep I loved you
knowing we could
never have, dreams filled
I cut myself open
to bare my soul
admitting to a love so
deep and pure
I feared losing you in all ways
fearing you'd walk away,
leaving me in abyss
covered in rubble and clay
Then you opened your heart
found words of
truth and wisdoms
setting me free
My heart remains yours
maybe it always will
through this all I'll always know,
only truths have passed
between,
you
and me.

© Sia Jane

---

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it,
and the imagination to improvise.
The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
Sylvia Plath

She was always a chameleon soul
Black Orchid
Eyes, shadows, vulnerabilities
Of heroine chic,
Juxtaposed with an embracing
Self
Of mutual
weirdness
Meshing voices from
The past
Nostalgic memories for
Behind the camera
A lady photographed
A younger self,
Mirrored reflections of
The lady she had graced
Into through the
Ages,
Where contemplative deliberations
Iconic wonders, flashed through
Her mind
With each click the metamorphosis
Click;
        one
                two
                     ­   three
Twiggy, Edie, Kate
Transformations; a sorcerers magic,
Contradictions;
                        body
           ­                       mind
                                   ­         soul
Mirages amidst reincarnations
Never a remnant of the same
For, the lady behind the lens
Unseen
A ghost veiled in black;
The Black Orchid.

© Sia Jane

Dedicated & written for my darling friend Cara <3
For she shall know love <3

The naked human, flesh & bone
brush strokes of pain, love, lust
some surrendered.

they rise above the surface, forcing
silver stripes, felt as Braille.

blind to my body, I trust the caress
with my eyes closed.

gentle touches read my body
the way in which I cannot see
when I open those eyes
and view myself through
glass mirrors.

© Sia Jane

Lullabies no longer soothe,
The voices hiding,
Behind the many masks,
You've torn and tugged,
From me.

Empty bodies fuelled,
By self-masochism,
In truth the,
Hurting pleases,
One hit, two hit, fall.

The hurting pain,
Remedies,
A life time,
Of escalating,
Misery, woe is me.

It isn't a lie,
To wish for a,
Deadly game,
Of cross your heart,
Oh hoping to die.

Lost selves,
Blanket tears cried,
Telling tales of,
Kisses with,
Fists.

Rendering love,
Better than none,
Crazy, bitter,
Mind so,
Benign.

Those trusted few,
Never would they,
Have knew, how that,
Wind,
Howled,
And
Blew.

Shattered.

A
Million
Little
Pie­ces.

© Sia Jane

Close your eyes, lock the doors,
close your mind, a prison bolt
slam it shut.

Monsters are knocking, haste
harassment, starved,
armies full, of them.

Flood, flushing, drowning
me out, a rat in a gutter
ignoring its snare.

Snarling, wishing to feast, my
blood they so crave, vampires
blood suckers of dusk.

Passing the dis-ease, my
executions pass, the dis-ease
of this very age.

Blood is dripping, empty
carcass stripped bare, feed
from all there is of me.

On the inside, still locked away
my soul was taken, nightly theft
you have all of me, ****** harm.

My soul sits, waiting, as you pass
by my street,
my family clones, embraced at home.

Drink me up, make it quick,
**** me dry,
dear Carmen please don't cry.

It's all an alibi, one that sings,
as a lullaby,
a secret way out.

Passages behind closed, library
doors, caging me, in this
locked out house.

Bourbon and *****, forced,
oozing through, pores
seeping.

Alcohol weeps, tears,
skin cuts, red weapons,
a tyranny of pain.

Veins bleed, from single malt,
monsters watching me, cough
it all up.

Throwing a loop, I allow
them to jump,
through open shoots.

Private nights, protect me
from what I seek,
so desperately, a leak in the system.

A breach in oath, suicide presides,
my life starts to be,
brushed aside.

You made me this way, and I ask
why continue to stay,
you continue to make me pay.

My lover, my friend, my life,
it's nothing more,
than endless strife.

For you,
              for you
                           for you.

                                            I'd do almost anything.

© Sia Jane

He may have caught, your stare first,
(Yet each glance she takes, she begs for more of this girl)
A single piece, of time to allow,
(To let her stare, meet this girl)
You could kiss me & see,
(She's not asking for red ruby wine lips)
You don't have to even kiss me, yet
(She wants you both to, capture, a moment in time)
Between your heart & mine
(Oh she offers it so divinely, promise)
I give to you love, I dare say, I can match
(She loves this girl with such depth, & force)
I become a twisted, a punctured heart,
(She's come undone, her walls tumble)
The ribs guarding my heart, break,
(Even if she fights, her mind is in flight
I cannot let go of, all the love I have for you,
(Her heart doesn't care, the risk it is taking)
Even my mind becomes, some what submissive,
(After all this time, she yearns to still call this girls hers)
And even as days & months pass,

I belong

(At least her weakened heart is)
In my hands, knowing I will care
(She will always secure a space)
For it will never be me who lays next to thee,
(A new day dawning, she awakens)
I'm lost and senseless
(She is trusting of you, still)
With, a heart I'm not sure, I can ever take hold,
(For herself to let go, of the fear, she always knew)

That to know pain
Is to know love

© Sia Jane

I'm made of all;
The books I've ever read
Poems I've ever written
Faces who have smiled at me
Hugs that have wrapped around me
Caresses that have graced my inner thigh
Countries & continents my feet have touched
The lovers as we simultaneously reach ecstasy within
Lonely nights shedding tear drops
Nights gazing black skies moon & stars
Children falling asleep to my heartbeat
Animals whose soul was found through reflective eye stares
Conversations spoken in French, Spanish, Italian, Xhosa, Afrikaans, Norwegian, German
Years of ******-, cognitive-, dialectical-, art-, drama-, music-, mindfulness-, trauma-, psychiatry-; therapies
The drinks & drugs & mind altering substances dispersing my mind
In all I'm made of;
Love
Lust
Greed
Fear
Joy
Freedom
Longing
Dreams
Despair
Sadne­ss
Anger
Frustrations
Happiness
Anxieties
Insecurities....

In all I'm made of;

A soul; securely contained within a body of battled scars;
over;
pain & triumphs, losses & gains, rejections & acceptances, dishonours & accolades...

With the hope; she too, can live life through.

© Sia Jane

You catch stars from the sky
dropping them into my heart,
I can feel them fighting
to find space
in their new home.

They are hand picked
stars, you had named
with me that night,
they light up
in my chest, fill my ribs
& illuminate my eyes,
a yellow daze of love.

I can feel my body
become weightless,
you have enlivened my spirit,
& all I wish to do
is kiss your lips -
shooting stars passing
back & forth, from
one heart
to another.

© Sia Jane

Hold my hand dear Benjamin
don't let Professor Edwards
catch me in a dreamscape
challenging me off guard
as we sit in math class
hands clasped together
for when you knowingly
squeeze my hand tighter
scribbling with your right hand
the answer which is required
to be erased so as not caught out
but today as I look out
onto drifting clouded skies
I see the changes and I lose
myself in shapes and smoke
forging out homes, characters
stories into my past, present
and what could be in the future
nothing is taken from me, distracted
in an instant I'm Vivian Ward
racing around Hollywood
with my best friend Kit De Luca
who eats cold pizza for breakfast
and crawls the streets with me
hop scotching across the
Hollywood Walk of Fame,
five star terrazzo and brass stars, names of Hollywood greats
blonde, brunette elegance
Manolo's, mink coats,
jewelled necklines of emerald stones
we'd both dreamt as kids
Los Angeles; the City of Angels
we are the winged, we are the free
inhabiting the land of opportunity
the ladies of the night, grappling onto souls of kids, shared flat
with bunk beds and a closet filled
with 80's short tight spandex
leg warmers, faux gold earrings
bright coloured lingerie, leather bomber jackets, tutus...
oh and those perms and scrunchies
fake eye lashes, an 80's kid high as hell
being courted by an older wealthier man
living fast, dying young, a fugitive
of the land

broken

The silence I succumbed to
bruised by a cacophony of bells ringing

"never change Lou lou!"

he winked and smiled
packing his rucksack
leaving for the day.

© Sia Jane

“She was the amoureuse of all the novels, the heroine of all the plays, the vague “she” of all the poetry books.”
Gustave Flaubert, “Madame Bovary”

Sweet bitterness
Wicked heart
Soul struck
Customised pain
Drunk love
Stay alive
Tear drop
Frost bite
Haunted house
Setting fire
Yesterday's gone
Love me
Hate him
Let go
Lose me

Repeat as necessary...
Caution; broken heart club members only.
Preferably masochists.

© Sia Jane

Perish, perish, as all men shall
Who swing away, falling prey
A glass, a glass, shall it suffice
Who'll pay, the ultimate price
Of a feared, oh feared device
Addiction, control
Apathy, restraint
Fill me, fill me, straight to the brim
Whisper those lies, sweet lullaby
Secrets spell, promises, promises
Feed me a fable, tales, tales
Feed me forgiveness, let it go, go, go
Disallow my sorrow, empty
Comfortably numb

Dumb
Dumb
Dumb

That old rule of thumb.

© Sia Jane