Sep 2016 · 835
Muse
Sia Jane Sep 2016

Muse hasn’t left my bedside for days:
         she races around
         the garden when I sleep:
                            it’s the only time she leaves,
                            she’s so loyal.
A few days ago, I heard Muse barking
         in the garden;
         I knew she’d seen the woodpecker again.
                       I’ve learnt the differences in her voice:
this is what comes of weeks bedbound.
But when the sedatives wear off
         I can do more than lie there:
                       I can feel the touch from my grandma,
                       I can smell last night’s family supper,
                                    I’m lucid.
Yesterday, the electroconvulsive therapy shocked my brain
                       today, my muscles feel as knotted
                                    as my oesophagus.
I’m on my back now; my only company
         is the ceiling; not even
                        the canopy of stars I once gazed at with joy.
                                      
© Sia Jane

Just to say...
This writing is based on a memory as I delve into my past and not on how I currently feel. I'm in a good place <3
May 2016 · 1.1k
Dream on
Sia Jane May 2016

She was told from
an age so young
that she indeed possessed all
the magic she needed
within herself
to set
the world
to right.

She placed daisies in
her long black hair
and skipped to the beat of
the songs her mother
had sung to her
before she left
escaping
her father.

She was often alone
rarely with friends as
she found comfort in the faeries
she spoke and sang to while
the wind
gently blew
hair in
her face.

She giggled when with
her only little sister
the best part of her world
to whom she adored more than
the breaths
she took
each and
every day.


She stood firm at home
never allowing
her father’s drunken words
to penetrate her self made wall
of anger and despair
because inside
her mind
there
were angels.

She closed her eyes at night
wishing the demons
to disperse into the heavy winds
that howled through the rafters
reminding her
she was
in fact
alive.

© Sia Jane

Taken from my first collection  "Wanderlust" which is now again available via all Amazon stores <3

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wanderlust-she-travels-her-mind/dp/1492952346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid;=1463244170&sr;=8-1&keywords;=sia+jane+lloyd
Apr 2016 · 881
Sunday Morning
Sia Jane Apr 2016

Barefoot standing backwards on
            the doctor’s scales; the weighing games begin.
I can’t make sense of how or why
            I’m here; dragged from my mother’s car,
when only earlier I was dancing
            at my ballet class; I slipped and fell
on the cold dance floor, and now
            I’m under hospital arrest. All I want
is to escape; because I truly thought
            this was all in my past.
But the Devil and God are raging inside me
            all the time.
It began with only one pound lost;
            a controlled experiment, one I thought
I could win. And now,
            I’m barefoot standing backwards
on the doctor’s scales –
            There’s only one way; Up!
                No spiral down.
I’ve found my way back here, somehow,
                    and I’ll find my way out of here, somehow.

© Sia Jane

Re-work of an old poem which will be in my upcoming new edition of the LUNA Zine with my collaborating artist Gia D'Arcadia <3
Apr 2016 · 973
Orbit
Sia Jane Apr 2016

Tell me where the children go
Tell me how they grow
Learn to occupy more space
And are expected to not trip
And fall all over their Saturn Return
Do they lose the innocence in their eyes
To the evening skies
Stars carrying them back
To their one true home
Or do they linger beneath our skin
Patiently waiting for us
To summon them in our time of need
A silence a presence then a whisper
Helping us remember they always
Keep us near


© Sia Jane

Poem a day for April xxxx
Apr 2016 · 1.2k
Seasons
Sia Jane Apr 2016

When you've lived between the shadows
Only awakening the true self
When the sky casts a dark net
Shielding any visibility
When you've not switched a light
On to the colour of your soul
Terrified of knowing
The vicissitudes of the seasons
Within your own heart
It takes a mighty girl to rise
To look herself in the eye
No longer whispering those lies
To face her own truth


© Sia Jane

15/4/16
Day 15 of a "Poem a Day" for April 2016
Apr 2016 · 515
Girl Undone
Sia Jane Apr 2016

I feel so stitched together, like a rag doll -
not one worn down from being loved too much,
but one who has been ripped apart by loving too much.
And each lover picked me apart stitch by stitch – undone.
Then I’m left in threads: I am fully exposed.
How can that be, after spending years –many more all told –
sewing myself back together, my needle and thread fighting
to keep up. I naively trusted each lover when they promised
to mend me. What if someone had told me twenty years ago:
If you fall in love, never fully trust them, and ask yourself –
does he love me more?
I didn’t know then, I wasn’t so undone –
I could have stayed together.

© Sia Jane

Love you guys <3 Thanks for everything <3
Mar 2016 · 1.2k
Prisoner
Sia Jane Mar 2016

For hours, I tried to sleep.
The rain drums down on the tin roof;
the demons are knocking.
I see their tears stream down the window;
a cleverly designed artifice to distract
from their true intent.
I ignore their subtle attacks, but they always
find a way back in.
I watch their shadows drift in through
the windows;
morphing from one shape into another,
hovering around me,
their whispered breaths cloud the air –
there is barely a space unfilled by their presence.
I can’t seem to chase them away, and I’m
wrapped up into their world.
Empty, cold and alone,
my reality remains stranger than any dream.

© Sia Jane

Mar 2016 · 5.7k
Wednesday's Child
Sia Jane Mar 2016

We’re looking into each other’s eyes;
it’s 4am.
We’re sat in a hospital room, I’m reciting your favourite verse.
You’re ragged and stitched together;
I just wish it was from being loved.
I just wish my love could make you Real.

I knew from day one, no one and no thing,
not even love, could take you away and finally
set your soul free.

So
I gave you all of me.

It wasn’t hard to give away.
Within moments of witnessing your smile; the one
held in your eyes widening your stare,
you crushed through my ribs with warmth and love,
held my heart in your hand, promising no matter
the distance and land between us, my heart would remain
safe – beneath your bruised chest.

Tonight, I’m alone.
It’s been 17 days since I last saw you.
I’m in the park where we always walked,
where our love was made tangible by etchings in wood.
The bark now crumbles
and the decay mirrors the gradual corrosion
of what was once, and will
never be, again.

© Sia Jane

Incredibly honoured to be daily poem.
I've had such encouragement from all of you here, and I am forever grateful.
Without too much self deprecation, I deserve this spot no more than many of you other great writers out there.
You inspire me daily too <3
Much love and light always, Sia <3


Re-working old writes with some new ideas <3
Mar 2016 · 757
The Damned
Sia Jane Mar 2016

Tomorrow night, you’ll sleep walk into your lover’s dreams.
You’ll open the gate to hell, where you’ll find the poor damned
souls of a lost generation. Their lust, recklessness & drunkenness
will come as no shock to you. You’ll find your people trashed;
vodka bottles smashed & abandoned, intoxicated girls balanced
on their Jeffrey Campbell Litas floating through social groups.
Boys, barely men, will be seen beaten down to the bare bones
of their existence, cigarette blunts piercing their open chests;
stinging & burning, red & yellow ash sparking flames on
the black lingerie of their lover’s.  

Tomorrow night, you’ll wish you were not sleep walking into
your lover’s dreams. In the days you spend there, you will not
find the lover you know. You’ll find a lover who is invaded
by body snatches; emphatically dominating every white cell.
You’ll find a lover, cast away with the ghosts of his past.
You’ll bear witness to pendulums of excessive desires
swinging to & fro – where time stands still, & not even
the ticking of a clock can be found, to count the days til
the grave he will fly.

© Sia Jane

Sia Jane Jan 2016

There is no encore only a final curtain

For my former self, June 23rd 2015

Recently, I've been feeling this wave of nostalgia
As the rain caresses my skin and the wind howls past my ears
Every time I walk the streets to university,
Or watching the squirrels play around
The oak tree in the morning...

It feels like only yesterday.

And I count my blessings,
And I know how lucky I am to be alive.
And I look at a picture in this photo album of a younger me,
As I fake a smile to hide my pain.

I will never forget my former self.

And in my dreams, I am dying
I wake up screaming and shivering
With no one beside me, and when I close
My eyes again, there I am...
Stood on the bridge, drunk on starvation

Counting down from five to jump.

© Sia Jane
See Amiri Baraka "Preface to a twenty volume suicide note"

An old write from the summer last year, 2015
Jan 2016 · 649
Home's Song
Sia Jane Jan 2016

Only yesterday, you stood before me.
You watched me a while,
           you saved me last night you say.
We begin talking about the thunderstorms
you saved me last night you say,
          you’re repeating yourself again.
That was yesterday I say,
but you keep saying you saved me last night
           studying me intently your eyes fill;
a storm drain overflowing with rain,
the tidal wave in your stomach kept rising;
            I would have drowned without you there-
you’d think I was the equivalent of coming
up for air.
           You’re more than the oxygen I breathe
you say, coming closer to me.
You’re my sun.
            I want to tell you I’m afraid of my
darkness.
But I can’t say it out loud to you.
You see dearest, I can’t take my limbs apart like you
            I’ve forgotten how to sew myself
back together.
All my emotions, are held
in a nest between rib bones; rib bones broken
            in the fight endured trying to get
the world to love me. Yours, is a heart awaiting
for the blooming of flowers, which follow a winter
           of freezing now pining to thaw.
Tears surge down your cheeks –
they’re forming pools of salt water
           between your breasts.
Only yesterday, you stood before me.
You taught me to dance, your elegant body
           telling stories.
Night was drawing closer, and out the window
I can see another storm is approaching.
           I was a child born in a thunderstorm,
you say. The first night we met, you told me
you are the eye of all my storms. The calm centre
            keeping me grounded. You saved me
last night
you say again.
No baby I say, you save yourself every time.
You’re not the monster
           you think yourself to be.


© Sia Jane

Dec 2015 · 1.2k
Ruins In My Wake
Sia Jane Dec 2015

He said:
“In the dark night of my soul
I stayed with my darkness.
When a pain struck voice
Came to me, I did not chase
My demons away.
Thinking of all, the suffering I’ve endured
I walked through the street of my past
Solemnly, soberly,
Witnessing all my experiences again.
Before me, light reflected on the pavement –
Iridescent fragments joined to form
Pictures below my feet.
Stories from my childhood played
Like a movie on the ground,
I’m the star of my own show,
I’m powering through each scene
With such verocity I leave nothing
But ruins in my wake.
I reach to pick up the fragments
Of the life of a girl unhinged -
To think my own mind had led me to this.
I wipe the tears from my eyes,
Then, I pass on.

In the dark night of my soul
I stay with my darkness,
For it has so much to teach me
And I learn, so little, if I flee.

© Sia Jane

Dec 2015 · 526
Late July
Sia Jane Dec 2015

By late July,
  I’m counting sheep again.
    I find an unknown land
        to gather the remnants

of my lucid dreams.
  Each night I’m walking alone
     across deserts where
        nothing ever grows.

Years of rainfall
   have left them barren.
     By late July,
         the deserts are beginning

to fear the sun once again.
   I talk to them, and say;
     ‘Don’t be afraid. I hear
          a thunder storm approaching.

El Niño will flood
   the riverbeds close by
      and you will, once again,
         flourish; a beautiful oasis

blossoming with life.’

   I am consoled by my own
      inability to sleep.
         The empty spaces ahead,

no longer phase me.
   As the desert is brought to life,
       a flower lies below each
          step I take through my nights.

If I look deeply enough
   the faces on the flowers
       begin to tell
          their own stories.

They tell of years underground,
    a seed in the desert soil
       still, motionless,
          waiting patiently;

the awakening
    of sleeping beauty
       comes slowly
           then suddenly.

I consider how they grow,
    they neither toil nor spin;
        they simply be.
           I stood silently.

All night, I waited.
    I watched them;
        how they trust all
           they need, will come.

They neither toil nor spin –
    for all they said  
        was shown to them.
           ‘You see,’ they say

‘one day you’ll finally know,
    all you needed to do.
         You must not fight,
            just be.’


By late July,
    I stop counting sheep.

© Sia Jane

Nov 2015 · 485
Only
Sia Jane Nov 2015

Maybe you will never understand why
when another insult leaves your lips
I wish I was there to kiss you and
halter any more words
you could speak,
which lost in translation have
the power to break the bones
across my heart, unhealed from
the last words I’d hoped
you’d refrain from saying.

So if I bleed, or if I cry,
or if I don’t even know how to smile,
know I’ll only kiss your lips because
I’d rather give the kiss of Judas
than hear another word.

© Sia Jane

Nov 2015 · 530
Dog Star
Sia Jane Nov 2015

You know I said to Sylvie that it’s hard to see you with someone else.

No she said I didn’t think it’d matter now. I thought
you were over me.

Yeah well I said I’m fairly sure you said you didn’t love
me anymore. I sigh heavily and massage my neck. It’s fucking sore.

Gods sake I whisper you won’t even look at me.
You never do when we fight. I wanna say more to you.

You know I thought I’ve so much more going
on. The last fucking thing I need is to be thinking
about you this much. I’ve had a headache
for days because of it.

I just want you to kiss me. I now know what
it’s like to be homesick for a person not a place.
You’re my “person.” I take some more pain meds.
I feel like I’ve a tight band around my head.

Just because I am mad doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

Sylvie looks up for me work and gazes out
the window. The she puts her head down to read.

It’s so frustrating I thought to think you can
just “carry on” when I’m so distracted by all this.

And no, it doesn’t help me to know I said
I was over you and I lied about not being hurt.
I can’t say this to you – it’s futile. I love you.

I eventually walk outside and leave you to work.
And shit you barely notice. I miss you
and you’re sat right there and I’m in the garden.
Now I can see Dog Star. I imagine
the star making me whole and carrying me
home. Homesick for a person not a place.

I whisper to myself I hate you.

Hey where are you honey Sylvie yells.
I thought you wanted me to kiss you.

© Sia Jane

Nov 2015 · 932
Last Dance
Sia Jane Nov 2015

You see,
when I escaped your love
I had rocks tied to my ankles in knots,
and I walked into the lake
barely recognising myself,
just caught up in a memory and replaying
the pain in my head, so numbing that
I detached from anyone else’s love.

I thought love, real love, was about sacrifice.
You fed me lies about true love -
never ending ‘happily ever afters,’
and in my naïve mistaken heart,
I trusted to believe real love meant death -
that true sacrifice was self-sacrifice.

So, dressed in the wedding dress
(I was to wear on Monday)
my hair plated the way you liked it,
your grandma’s emeralds around my neck,
earrings dropping as a pendant, and the ring
on my left hand, I walked.

I walked.
I held tightly onto the bouquet of lilies
(were they not always meant for funerals)
and I stepped into the lake.
Cold water rising up my thighs,
cold water which actually felt more ‘known’
than the unknown land of your love.

I wasn’t even scared.

I’d washed down fear with
a bottle of pain.
I washed down fear with
pills of despair.
I just kept walking.
And the only sound I remember,
is my humming of Beethoven’s Für Elise.
In my mind, I could see you dancing
en pointe- your feet as eloquently poised
as the pianists fingers,
never in a race to finish -
just movements of grace.

And that’s who I am today -
I am the dancer
(Odette and Odile).
My humanity is now outdated -
I too, throw myself into the lake,
and, as I take my final breath
we – you and I, my lover –
are seen flying past the moon.

© Sia Jane

Read on Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/sia-jane-words/last-dance
Oct 2015 · 654
Dislocation
Sia Jane Oct 2015

Tonight I’m playing snakes and ladders with my pleas.
My forefingers massage the temples on my forehead.
My eyes are shut tight; even the moon is too bright.
I’m bowing my head to the stars to hide the shame
covering my skin. Each shooting star highlighting
the scars you left on me. I’m begging the night please
let me go.
I’m rubbing my eyes. I’m picking mascara
off my eyelashes. I’m pleading with my heart please
stop loving her.
My hands move around my neck,
they’re choking me. It stops my heart. It stops my
heart beating for just a few moments. I gasp!
And then, it’s the grasping and grappling of my
finger tips digging into my collar bones.
I’m tightening my grip. I’m holding; I’m holding
so tight, I’m bruising my skin, and my finger nails
are piercing my skin. Now, I’m clawing.
There’s nothing left in me. Even my shoulders cave
in; my collar bones rungs on the ladder. My
grip loosens and I drop to my chest bones,
letting my feet rest on my ribs.
Tonight I am playing snakes and ladders with my pleas.
If I fall any further down the snake of my spine, my
only hope is gripping the vertebrae and climbing back up.



© Sia Jane

Oct 2015 · 481
Tattooed Heart
Sia Jane Oct 2015

I put my heart to bed.
I kissed the hole in my chest
a lingering good night-

My lips stealing a few
more hours of our final night.

I forgot about the noise
filling spaces in my mind,
held myself to the promise
of never letting go
without a final goodbye.

I let tears fill hollowed eyes,
falling as perfect droplets
tattooing my cheeks
symmetrically.

As I exhale the remains of
all I’ve lost,
I choke.

An inflated balloon
is blocking my airway,
my fingers part my lips
and with another deep breath
my heart – severed but intact –
is in my hands once again.

I put my heart to bed
I kissed the hole in my chest
a lingering goodnight –

My heart didn't want to sleep,
instead it stayed awake
tacked itself to my sleeve
and walked me into a new day.

© Sia Jane

Oct 2015 · 481
Burning Ropes
Sia Jane Oct 2015

(I cannot determine who is the coil)
Heavy ropes wrapped around me
So tightly wound up I can feel
My chest cracking, brittle bones
Breaking in unison.

The sound echoes throughout my skull
My temples pounding
Burning up in flames
Desperate to be extinguished
Praying for the fire to move downwards
To ignite the rope, for the conflagration
To run dangerously out of control
My body a raging inferno of war.

My voice choked
There’s not enough oxygen
I’m being suffocated
And only smoke signals
Are emitted from me.

I’m trying to reach, someone
Or something, in the distance
No one can come too close
And anything is always too far
It’s the unfathomable truth
Of my existence.

(I cannot determine who is the coil)
I cannot be understood
Because every look from another
Disintegrates me
And I become nothing more than
A sheet of searing flames.

But every time I’m left alone
I’m always screaming within
My body eating itself from
The inside out
Penetrating pain never laying
Dormant, my skin
its vivacious host.

Heavy ropes wrapped around me
Forging incessant loops
Smothering me to the point
Of death.
(I cannot determine who is the coil)

© Sia Jane

Oct 2015 · 8.0k
Poets Ink
Sia Jane Oct 2015

It's hard to write a poem
When there's nothing going on
It's hard to think of what to say
When you've given most of it away

As poets we never scratch the surface
We delve within, disclose our deepest sin
We crave our pain, declare it's for our art
Yet more often than not have no idea where to start

But start we do and start we must
A deep desire in all of us
To spill out on the written page
What little bit we have tried to save

Ink now is the poets blood
Fragments of self pour from within
Silence is our safety net
To stop us from bleeding out

Although it's hard to write a poem
With nothing going on
We still find words to form a verse
From deep within our marrow bone

Work © Mike Hauser & © Sia Jane

Mike opened this piece and we went from there.
Hope you enjoy this Hello Poetry collaboration too :)

It goes without saying, just how honoured we are to have this as Daily <3
Y'all are the greatest <3
Thank you so much <3
Oct 2015 · 510
He knew only her
Sia Jane Oct 2015

He wanted to know her
he wanted to touch every inch
of her imperfectly perfect skin
to know every scar
to know her tiger stripes
from growth spurts and pregnancy
the pieces of metal left in her
and the dislocated bones
all had their own stories from childhood
the day she was caught on a fence
the tom boy in lace socks
her mum had dressed her in
for Sunday school
the ripped dress as she fell in mud
breaking her right elbow which to
this day left her with a bone pointing out
he wanted to spend days
just looking at her scarred face-
her upper lip – sat in the changing rooms
after a gymnastics competition
playing catch but the bottle of water
went right at her face
her forehead – walking at ten months
trips and falls, she hits her head
on the way down face to face
with the rockery -
incidentally the rockery where the cat
is buried
poor thing was stood on many times
as she was learning to walk
he counts the freckles on her left cheekbone
which on her porcelain skin
shine like Orion’s Belt on a clear night
he loved every part of her she did not
he memorized every feature that made
her “her”
he knew the truth had always been there
right in front of him since the first
time he saw her naked –
her naked soul exposed a long time before
anything he could ever make tangible.

© Sia Jane

Oct 2015 · 840
Mille étoiles
Sia Jane Oct 2015

You were restless
it’s the nights the world
made you nervous-
where stars have exploded
within you
but now fade out-
it’s these nights which
agitated you the most.

You start running circles
around the moon
chasing light years
trying to get to tomorrow
ahead of schedule
contained and prepared for
the unknown terrifying
you so much.

“Put fairy lights around
your neck, and lets go
outside," I declare,
"and pretend you’re a star
so I can chase you
around the garden,
until you fill yourself
with fearless light
reminding you
where one star burns out
another one shines.”

Your eyes shimmer
in the moonlight
they pay allegiance
to the night.

“See that there,” I point.

"A thousand stars..."

I smile; "A thousand stars...
It’s the promise you
made to the Universe,”

“To never burn out,” you say

I smile, “Yes! To never burn out.”                                

© Sia Jane

Oct 2015 · 984
Winter Air
Sia Jane Oct 2015

(1)

I'm disturbed and yet deeply
comforted by my disturbed nature
I'm comforted because my darkness
envelops me-
it may be cold to the touch
rigid and upright
not soft and loving
but it's loyal
it never leaves.

Today, I'm driving
window down to help me breathe
I capture cold air in my wind pipe
I smell November winter air
smoke from chimneys rising-
when I breathe out I'm smoking too
warm air penetrating cold air
I smell November winter air
we're still in October
it's too early for these memories
I'm unprepared- it's too early.

Sat next to me she appears-
a paler, younger, thinner self
a self I'm sure has passed on
to another life
if it haunted me we'd call her a ghost
but she comforts me
shall we call her an imaginary friend?

"You look terrible!" I state wilfully.

(2)

She's dressed in a thousand layers
"You still feel the cold, eh!" I say
She winks, staying aloof
from any possible conversation
I take a tone of similar indifference.

There she is barely visible
so unafraid of death
arms striped with incisions
a razor blade left behind
hip bones, collar bones, chest bones
she's nothing more
than a white sheath coat
pulled over the skeleton of
a human body
skin screaming for nourishment
to show any signs of life.

If I asked to feel her pulse
there'd be nothing there
no beat
no rhythm
"Maybe it's why the fear of death
has left me!" she commands
"Because in your muffled confusion
your muscles wasting
including your brain-
you mistake yourself for dead." I retort
"You're 21 for Christ's Sake!"

(3)

Distracted by a red traffic light
I turn away-
when I look back, she's gone.

So here I am
talking to myself
the ghost of Christmas past
disappears as soon as my back
is turned.

When I'm alone
the silence
is always louder
than any noise I ever hear-
the silence attracts her back
I reach out to her
trace her face with my finger tips
I whisper: "God Bless,"
knowing some memories are meant
to be laid
to rest.


© Sia Jane


Read on SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/sia-jane-words/winter-air

Oct 2015 · 980
Do you remember?
Sia Jane Oct 2015

Do you remember the night
I translated a dream for you?

You agreed and later that night
we began to put your pain into perspective

You're sending me letters
signed, sealed and delivered
from your new home

I'm saving all your letters
where only longing lingers
we've not known each other long
but waves of your scent
are already mapped on my mind

In your stories you write of
an explosion in your chest
bats burst from hibernation
forcing your ribs to break
your skin ripping apart

You tell me of a whistling in your chest
a candles been blown out
smoke rising from a darkened hollow cave

The emptiness feeds off flesh
you're scratching at your skin
the remains tipping into your chest

It's filling-
filling every day

And that is when you wake
choking, gasping for air

Your letters end as abruptly
as your night terrors
bad dreams leaving you breathless
waking up drenched in sweat

Your last lines of this weeks letter read;
When I lift my tired body
from the bed
the bedroom light illuminates
my skin
I see I'm real
I see I've not clawed my flesh
no track marks from my fears


We're sat together with
the letters all telling
the same story, again and again
you voicing your dreams,
dreams spawning nightmares

Do you remember I was going to
translate these dreams for you?

How the bats are actually butterflies
how butterflies are subjected to
a caged darkness before the light
How the whistling in your chest
is fertile ground for growth
How the suffocating filling
is the abundance of love
this world can give us
if,
if we only subject a change
to our perceptions

Love and fear cannot exist
together within us
with fear is suffering
with love is healing.

Do you remember the night
I translated a dream for you?

The night we set fire to the letters
imagining the crimping paper
as the disintegration of
each and every
fear.


© Sia Jane

I missed the last stanza out when I typed this up...
Thanks for all the support guys <3
Oct 2015 · 379
Friday Evening
Sia Jane Oct 2015

I am asking you again why there are no shortcuts
When your heart is breaking,
An electric current pulsates through every vein in my body,
Untouched darkness in my brain, good and bad, is sparked,
There are no detours offered,
My pain is drowning me out
And I am sinking, so fast.

Look through the window where waves are crashing against the shore,
This morning there was a girl cast out at sea,
Her fears had driven her out into the deepest depths
She wasn’t even making a sound.

I am asking you the same question again
My soul is laid out naked in front of you,
Ropes are tied to my wrists and ankles,
I’m being drawn as the horse rode by you pulls me
Stretched until my body rips, tears, splits like my heart.

Someone is trying to rescue her,
It is what you tried to do for me,
You told me there are no shortcuts with heartbreak
(As you dragged me from the ocean)
And I believe what we have is rare and beautiful
(As you remind me no love is in perpetuity).

© Sia Jane

https://soundcloud.com/sia-jane-words/friday-evening
Sep 2015 · 929
Pink Peonies
Sia Jane Sep 2015

Something always sends me back to that town.
I never know what I'm looking for
or why I always take the same road.

There's something in the journey
in seeing the same path ahead of me
only changing for the seasons
it's continuity, it's endurance,
it teaches me great strength.

She died in the fall. Now autumn leaves
cover the gravestone.
That October I planted seeds in the grass
surrounding you
pink peonies brought themselves to live life
two years later
it is as though they knew a grieving period
could only bring me acceptance.

I too, had to develop rooting in my new home
grow my own foliage, of sorts-
to find a way to protect me from the frost.

In those days of cold darkness, where my body
is frozen ice incapable of moving,
waiting to wake up, I would listen
to the last voicemail you left me.

You were by the sea on your morning run,
telling me again, as only you could,
how you loved the winter months closing in on us;
"There's a bright blue sky, the sun so low & hazy
the migrating swallows look like they're chasing its rays,"
you say.

It is those snap shots carrying me
through the days I'm victorious over,
which bring me into blossom.
I remember, nature trusts its processes.
It trusts the seasons bringing change.
It teaches me, again, great strength.

© Sia Jane #76
18/9/15

Sep 2015 · 467
Fragments
Sia Jane Sep 2015

We are walkers of the dawn
losing direction as the final star
fades from the night sky-
no internal compass to guide us
as we lose sight of the Milky Way

We are balloons children cut loose
to watch soar
above their bedroom window
with the hope one day
they will do the same      

We are billows of smoke formed
from catastrophes in our minds
when our fears take hold
blowing our dreams to smithereens

We are the Harvest Moon
suffocated by the shadow of Earth
starved of the light which reveals
our existence

We revere those we see
as greater than us
sweeping ourselves
under the carpet
no account for our worth

We discount our own gifts
push them aside
underestimating their power
to save others & ourselves

We walk in the shadow
of our demons
so burned by the chains
on our own ankles
we become nothing more
than cinders
where are feet once were

We cry to the moon each night
praying for a miracle
thinking the sky is falling in
& the world ending
before our very eyes

We are all just fragments
delicately placed together
by a maker on the Moon
walking this Earth
too scared to reach
out a hand
and embrace our fellow man

© Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 736
Untitled
Sia Jane Sep 2015

I don't always want to look back
with a glance
it serves me at times to look back
to the past & stare
Like a stranger, I step into
what is now my history
I become my own present tense
I see a girl transition into a woman
I see her first love, her first heartbreak
I stay in those moments
I absorb them in ways I didn't back then
collecting stories my body still holds
but seeing them with new eyes
letting my myself feel the things
I once feared
Wanting them to fill me, so
I can store them, in memory not scars
I want to sit, whisper & promise my past self
It's going to be okay
because it always has been, &
it always will be
But she's not the one who only needs teaching
I'm the one who needs to learn
As I sit in my history
I sit with pain, knowing
it will serve me.

© Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 725
For Truth
Sia Jane Sep 2015

Yesterday I was ready to
tell you, all about what I'd done
for you to see me
in the light of day

the real me, not
the one I paint of myself.
Today, the paints cover
the very cove my body is

its sheltered hollow
recesses, each nook
hiding the darkest parts
hiding who I truly am.

If the sea was to part, no
if you could part the sea for me
I could know to trust
you, but here I am

alone, lost in thought, scared
to even dare unfold my body.
That is the truth now
not tomorrows, not

yesterdays. Can I ask you
to come find me. I
know I'm remote. There's
a lighthouse by the shore.

You will see me there.
The truth is hard to bear
even for me, & I want
no stone unturned.                 © Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 383
Make love to your dreams
Sia Jane Sep 2015

He asked her if she hung the moon in the sky
If she used a ladder from the ground
Placing it on the dewy grass of September
Planting roses in the soil below to climb
Up each rung of the ladder
Putting thorns in the feet of those
Who dare enter.
She asked him if he painted one more star in the sky
If he launched a rocket catapulting his soul
So high he could float long enough
To use every colour on his palette
Dropping to earth so fast he caught
A shooting star which he stitched to his heart
As a gift just for her.
The universe asked them if they both wore masks
A mask to cover each & every fear they have
If reality scared them more than their nightmares
If the bright orange sun scared them more than the dark
They both whispered in unison
"How do you know, that we do not?"
The Universe smiled, winked with a laugh
Asking them to throw away their fears
& make love to their dreams.

© Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 652
Pink Cotton Candy
Sia Jane Sep 2015

not here, here, here

-eyes closed-

a bath rub filled with bubbles
shaped like balloons rising in the air
her heart cut open, she can’t preclude
the secret nature of her love

and, he loved her, he loved her
he watched her every ballet she danced
a butterfly moving on tiptoes
tripping the light en pointe with
painted pale lips, winged eyeliner
silk Lacroix corset and feathered tutu

performing Swan Lake
at the Palais Garnier
the promised faery tale ballets
graceful movements to Tchaikovskys’s
compositions, telling the story of Odette
drowning in the lake falling to her fate

-KNOCK-

not here, here, here

-eyes open-

his voice; Laurier
her soul; punctured by her lover
a locked bathroom door
she kisses away her melancholy madness

not here, here, here

© Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 795
Tides
Sia Jane Sep 2015

It’s a Spring Tide drowning me
It’s a Full Moon, the sun and gravity
Pulling on the water of the ocean
I’ve been cast out in
Through denying my truth.
I cannot know if the flooding
Covering all of me
Will be as predictable as such a tide
Twice each Lunar month
No season negates the pull.
The rise and fall of the oceans levels
Feel more visible in me
Than any sea on earth.        

© Sia Jane

Sep 2015 · 1.1k
Parisian Night
Sia Jane Sep 2015

I’m a graced angel in flight;
Strawberry blonde hair cascading down my back.
I’m being devoured by the Parisian night.

Racing past the library a thief in sight,
Henry à la Pensée envelope chemise, André Perugia shoes.
I’m a graced angel in flight.

My heart kidnapped, I’ve lost the fight.
Black streaks of mascara running down my cheek,
I’m being devoured by the Parisian night.

Happiness quashed, dreaming of the afterlife-
Now the games are about to begin!
I’m a graced angel in flight.

I’m looking up at the moon shining so bright,
Sedated by drink I’m waiting it out.
I’m being devoured by the Parisian night.

With dancing feet I’m kicking off the last shoe
And stumbling to the edge, I fall.
I’m a graced angel in flight.
I’m being devoured by the Parisian night.

© Sia Jane

I miss reading here and I really hope I can do some catching up <3 Much love always guys <3
Aug 2015 · 775
Gorgeous chaos
Sia Jane Aug 2015

I bite my top lip
close my eyes
& trust my memories
to remember your smell
biting my bottom lip, I yearn
to capture your taste.
I hear myself giggle
& exhale loudly...
"What have you done
      to me."
Inside my head is spinning
&, this
          this is what you do!
My whole world is opened
I saw the debris
   before I saw you
& that's how I knew
that only once in my life
will ever a storm
  that destroys
so much within
       & around me
be the storm landing
that throws my world
  before picking up
   every broken piece of me
& sculpting me into
   a woman without walls.

© Sia Jane

Hello Poetry keeps being inaccessible to me and saying "bad gateway" so it's been really hard to get on line xxxx
Jul 2015 · 951
Untitled
Sia Jane Jul 2015

If you would chase her
     to the ends of the earth
climb ladders in to the sky
  jump on to clouds that
                            ascended
  just to follow the light
                 of a thousand stars
and rest on the moon
         to counter
                  the light years you
        pursue, racing to catch up
if you would wrap yourself
         around this infinite
                   Universe
  just to say: I love you
make sure, she's the one
   to say: I love you back.


© Sia Jane

Hey guys!!! I came to post some work last night and Hello Poetry was down! I'm trying to get on line to read and post! But!!!! I am in the #amwriting stage of my work right now. I'm working on a book to be published 2016 so it's busy. I miss you all and thank you for always supporting me. It's priceless to me <3
Jul 2015 · 406
The Big Bang
Sia Jane Jul 2015

I'm wrapped around your pillow
my bare skin a magnet
to your presence - even
               your smile must suffice
the one you left this afternoon
as I breathe you in  - your scent
  is the Braille I use to read
your heart
my eyes remain closed
my thoughts only deepened
by the pictures my soul paints
   in your absence
the soft curves of the pillow
I imagine to be your body, and
I fold myself into you
our bodies fit, missing links of self
marry each others souls
and I have to believe we
must have been parted when
the Big Bang pulled everything away
from themselves -
we're both fragments of God's Universe
we're stardust particles with
       a gravitational pull, always
insisting we're to be drawn
                     together
our bodies morph into one another
pieces of the same picture
the force stuns me - vertigo
we're no different than boomerangs
crashing back into each others lives
  every time
               we part.


© Sia Jane

Jul 2015 · 870
Stardust
Sia Jane Jul 2015

I saw my world expand
the day I looked
in to those
eyes and
loved
seeing your eyes tell me
that all you knew
was to only
now love
me
kissing me hard as I'm
lay naked in your
arms & trusting
all you
said
when you whisper to me
our love is eternal
& nothing will
ever break
us
how beautiful the universe is
to bring us together
as stardust souls
now as
one                            

 © Sia Jane

Jun 2015 · 1.1k
Madness
Sia Jane Jun 2015

I would not recommend Madness
      

                 distrust runs riot
dissecting myself with wings clipped deemed a flight risk
and I'm naked lay face down on the bed
and I trace tramlines
                                     of forgiveness
because my mauled body pays
penance and I am my own
whipping boy who sees me as
a war zone of self-destruction
an addict to my own sickness
bat shit crazy
                         like those female poets
and their creative madness
                                                 Sexton, Plath, Bishop, Woolf
and Merini and Kane

and I prayed: Lord
forgive me for my sins
I would not recommend
Madness

© Sia Jane

See Harold Norse “I would not recommend Love”
Jun 2015 · 368
The break-up
Sia Jane Jun 2015

You know I told Lana we broke up.

No she said you were pissed though. Astrid was sat
at her desk typing.

Yes I said I'm pretty bloody pissed. I sat on the sofa
and hugged a cushion.

For fucks sake I thought you don't even care. Typing away
blissfully ignorant. I just ignored her after that.

You know what I thought I am allowed to be pissed. Fo'real I have
every god damn reason to feel hurt by you. Especially after
what you did AGAIN! The typewriter stuck and you flipped the lid
to fix it. I just sat curled up in a ball.

I'm so done with your attitude and all your expectations.
I am allowed to need affection just as much as you do. The cat
jumped on my lap. As I pet his head he purred with
content. At least someone cares I whispered to him.

Just because I am forgiving too damn forgiving.

You finished the last lines. Rolled the paper off and
placed it next to the others. You then started another piece.

I can not believe Astrid is just sat here with nothing to say
to think you are the only one who matters.

And isn't it fucking good that my heart forgives easily I am always
saying that to Lana. Astrid's back is to me as I mutter
under my breath. She doesn't even notice.

I got up and went outside for a fag. The cat followed me as always
my faithful companion I thought. Ugh I was still pissed.
I don't know how I trust you but I know I'll stay even though
I told Lana I was leaving  and I'll never tell you that I pinky promised
no more of your drama or your recklessness I thought.
As the cat circled me I blew out smoke rings one for each affair.

Baby I finished she called to me through the window. You wanna pour
us a drink. Of course I replied with a smile.

I was so pissed off!

  © Sia Jane

Inspired by "The Quarrel" by Diane Di Prima
Jun 2015 · 393
Fall of man
Sia Jane Jun 2015

And in that moment I believed in us
    we were in love,
        Ah God,

And how I dreamed of you & those long days in
love,
         love,
                  lovers from the start
                roaming so free, those stars,
                we were lunar lovers
                that night of the eclipse
                a full moon in the sky
                little did we know
                our ghosts of the past
                would haunt me haunt me

That's when I learnt the art of absence, Ah
    God is this love,
    God is this love,
       Ah Thee

And the death defying pull that missing
you,
         you,
                  could only ever know of
                  or fear to know of
                  but O I sensed a presence
                  and goosebumps formed on my skin
                  and an echo formed in my chest
                  and I felt connected to nothing
                  Ah me, I knew God of You
                  had dreams in store for me

So next time you walk beside me
My eyes wide open
Let it be known
    then
Embrace me tight
    light the path to Eden
    that day

In Your arms Lord God
     (forever)

  © Sia Jane

See "Hymn" by Jack Kerouac for reference <3
Sia Jane Jun 2015

All that is left is your shadow
& token gifts of your leaving
We both know why you left. A signal
of pain illuminates a loss that
articulated through words, makes it more visual
I smell the rain falling &
it puddles in to shapes
You whisper "You can see me &
smell me when the heavens cry, until
the day I return, no longer a trick
of the mind at night"
I can not help but ask her why she left
I'm a boat tied at the dock
with the strength of the waves increasing
you can not hear me mutter feeble
cries of pain. The ocean pulls me close & you say:
"Turn your nightmares in to dreams! Let the night
comfort you. Remember us in your favourite picture."

© Sia Jane

See Anne Waldman'a poetry <3
Jun 2015 · 740
Chasing Stars
Sia Jane Jun 2015

You catch stars from the sky
dropping them into my heart,
I can feel them fighting
to find space
in their new home.

They are hand picked
stars, you had named
with me that night,
they light up
in my chest, fill my ribs
& illuminate my eyes,
a yellow daze of love.

I can feel my body
become weightless,
you have enlivened my spirit,
& all I wish to do
is kiss your lips -
shooting stars passing
back & forth, from
one heart
to another.

© Sia Jane

Tonight's offering <3 trying to catch up with all your wonderful work! You all write so much!! <3
Jun 2015 · 279
Diaries
Sia Jane Jun 2015

Isa was the type of girl we all dreamed of being. She spoke
quietly, smiled softly, & held her body with grace. For
now she was heaven. No one truly knew her & her eyes would hide
a multitude of secrets from her past. One summer she began
a diary of her innermost thoughts:

I can't sleep. It is 4am & I am typing
my thoughts. The sun is rising
in the sky. Charlotte is calling me (I hope this
afternoon). I can hear the kettle whistling
so I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Later Charlotte showed me her diary:

Outside the sun is rising. 4am. Just waking up.
Going over to X's this afternoon. Got to go.
My tea is ready.

Then I let her read my diary. I was shy at first to share
something so private. We realised we had a lot in common.
I was intrigued by who X was, & she smiled, "Someone might
read my words without me knowing!"
I smiled back back. Of course. What a good idea. How had I not thought
of that. From that day on I always used X for those people I knew.

© Sia Jane

Inspired by "Diaries" by Anne Waldman.
Jun 2015 · 444
Oxygen
Sia Jane Jun 2015

I watched you give her the kiss of life
I closed my eyes, a memory returned
of the day you gave me
the kiss of death. Then, I drowned in the waves of your deceit, & those
fraudulent lies flooded my lungs
like an overflowing well.

The day before it happened
a deep resounding stillness,
the calm before the storm, &
now I'm choking on toxic gas
the smoke of your words
leaving me breathless
needing the kiss of life.

© Sia Jane

Persisting through writers block!!
Jun 2015 · 519
Silence
Sia Jane Jun 2015

She's standing, and I smell
the fear she's emitting
it seeps from her every pore
and the baby is screaming
as he curses, his voice rising
like a volcano erupting
all it's dark ashes.

She rocks the baby
a pacifier for the tears falling
I hear a familiar lullaby
and I know she's afraid
and the lullaby is her way
of communicating her terror
as he curses again
                          again
                              again.

The singing is a bright red scream
and I catch the baby's eyes
a bottom lip turned over,
a head on a shoulder
the father shouts,
"You're my wife and I'm not leaving without you!"

Neither mother nor child
are safe, I know this
and I know this for all the reasons
I maybe shouldn't
but I know what fear smells of
I know the scent
I know the cues to surrender.

Mother and child
their eyes in misery
are screaming silently
to us all,
"Help us!"

© Sia Jane

Back from being away and look forward to catching up :)
May 2015 · 597
The Mourning
Sia Jane May 2015

You raise me from the dead
you ask me why I felt the need to go?
a life so young, a girl so unknown
hid away from the world
until my final breath, took me to
my resting place.

A New Moon hangs low in the sky
reflecting your silhouette in marble stone
as you dig through the night,
whistling your tune
unearthing souls
too fragile for this world

Song birds signal the break of dawn
tides are high, crashing to the shore
another morning whispers your prayers
you hear my ghost
you know I'm near
you ask of me to show myself
you long to see my face

As I appear,
once frozen glaciers melt
down your cheeks
like streams on a mountain

Your eyes are cleansed
loss & solitude evaporate
& you find me
back in your Universe.

© Sia Jane

Trying to keep up <3 work in progress!
May 2015 · 871
Alteo
Sia Jane May 2015

You asked me
"if you were a flower
what would you be?"
I said I'd be a red
Amaryllis
because they bleed
before they die
just as my heart
bled
for each day
you were gone.

© Sia Jane

May 2015 · 575
Ciel
Sia Jane May 2015

The sand swirled around her bare feet and she closed her eyes
shards of lava nestled in her skin, forming a shield
indigo shells catching light as a sun sets in the reflection
the moon rises in the east as the sun blazes orange
clouds chasing one another like puffs of smoke rising from a fire
is that us my love? is the fading of a day the love you had
letting go
letting go
letting go
is that us my love? are we losing, are we losing, are we lost?

© Sia Jane

Typewriter series <3
May 2015 · 292
Elita
Sia Jane May 2015

I fill my dugarees with as many gems
  as they can hold, and I grasp them tight
     my hands deep in pockets that drown my frame
down to the ground where I walk.
    I walk in peace. I know I cannot bring back
      the dead.
But I know, I can string together and form a community
  of those I have lost and loved.
    I will decorate my neck with each colour
       knowing I will never travel alone.

© Sia Jane

Typewriter series <3
May 2015 · 624
Sorrow
Sia Jane May 2015

My Body no longer yours
I rescued it
along with Soul, Sanity & Love

I see you burning
in the smoke of your own fire

I hear you howl
as the wind carries your voice

a whirlwind of chaos
chasing me

words forming tornados in the gravel
        
the path from your home
morphs into my Body

I smell the gasoline residing beneath
my clipped fingernails

the ether spills
a volcanic eruption

forging through the Garden of Sorrow
so named for all that is lost there

But before I left I was sure to uncover
Love – taking a shovel to claim
the remnants of a diseased heart

I dug up Sanity – some speak of keeping
Insanity as a friend, but not me
I’ve had enough madness

And I took back my Soul
the thing you’d hidden so deep, like digging
for diamonds – the rarest type

Blood diamonds – each formed
for every life
you stole.

© Sia Jane

Typewriter series <3
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