Perish, perish, as all men shall
Who swing away, falling prey
A glass, a glass, shall it suffice
Who'll pay, the ultimate price
Of a feared, oh feared device
Addiction, control
Apathy, restraint
Fill me, fill me, straight to the brim
Whisper those lies, sweet lullaby
Secrets spell, promises, promises
Feed me a fable, tales, tales
Feed me forgiveness, let it go, go, go
Disallow my sorrow, empty
Comfortably numb

Dumb
Dumb
Dumb

That old rule of thumb.

© Sia Jane

It’s one of those stories told through a sole picture, yet captures a time & place I’ll never forget. The old cliché; a picture can tell a thousand stories. Well, this one can tell one of those.

I was happy & sad, the two co-existed. A duality of such extreme emotions. The dress was of fabric so constrained, in my head I held the image of my Godmother when I witnessed her forced into a straightjacket when she was committed to the asylum. The one so derelict & haunting.

I was dictated to in the same ways I saw the nurses treat Nouna…the shouting, the noise, the pushing, touching, all feeling like restraints.
The lies I told, mirrored her lies. Denying suffering & hiding behind a mask. Glassy eyed hooked on *******. You see, it kept me thin in that “Size Zero” era. If your bones didn’t show, you didn’t show. Fashion & modelling was never a passion, it was more a necessity, even an addiction.

In this picture, the dress was used for a dark auteurist film exposing the true nature of obsession. Voyeurism haunted me. Blissfully unaware I roamed the streets, kept the blinds to my apartment unclosed. It was then I realised; unless a flash of a camera were present, I felt alone. Disturbingly alone. With no lights I was nothing. I became as addicted to the paparazzi as I had to the drugs I was inhaling each morning, noon & night.
I was terrified by fame, & terrified by the fear of being forgotten. I sold my soul to the devil & in true honesty, I never got it back.

Back then I was chained & shackled, a spirit as broken as an elephants. I may not have been beaten with sticks or chains. I was broken. I became submissive. A simple puppet of the play called “Life.” At least, the only life I knew.

© Sia Jane

He may have caught, your stare first,
(Yet each glance she takes, she begs for more of this girl)
A single piece, of time to allow,
(To let her stare, meet this girl)
You could kiss me & see,
(She's not asking for red ruby wine lips)
You don't have to even kiss me, yet
(She wants you both to, capture, a moment in time)
Between your heart & mine
(Oh she offers it so divinely, promise)
I give to you love, I dare say, I can match
(She loves this girl with such depth, & force)
I become a twisted, a punctured heart,
(She's come undone, her walls tumble)
The ribs guarding my heart, break,
(Even if she fights, her mind is in flight
I cannot let go of, all the love I have for you,
(Her heart doesn't care, the risk it is taking)
Even my mind becomes, some what submissive,
(After all this time, she yearns to still call this girls hers)
And even as days & months pass,

I belong

(At least her weakened heart is)
In my hands, knowing I will care
(She will always secure a space)
For it will never be me who lays next to thee,
(A new day dawning, she awakens)
I'm lost and senseless
(She is trusting of you, still)
With, a heart I'm not sure, I can ever take hold,
(For herself to let go, of the fear, she always knew)

That to know pain
Is to know love

© Sia Jane

The naked human, flesh & bone
brush strokes of pain, love, lust
some surrendered.

they rise above the surface, forcing
silver stripes, felt as Braille.

blind to my body, I trust the caress
with my eyes closed.

gentle touches read my body
the way in which I cannot see
when I open those eyes
and view myself through
glass mirrors.

© Sia Jane

a deep coldness, it resides
between the light & the day
& the birth of another night
a star already gone, a moon
smiling, saving the sun
pink skies, how they bleed
intoxicating light, at each
sun down

dusk transforms, magic
black sky, star light
star bright, how I pray
on thee each
& every night, first sight
night fades, an awakening dawn
a birds first call, branches
all a clatter

blue bells blossom, another
voice, an over grown lawn
life comes into, its
very own bloom
a resounding reminder, each day
to be lived, survived, surpassed

laying my head, each night
open eyes, clearest of skies
living for each day, imagine
prayers wishing, oh continue
to only bless me

I don't need much, love
a mind playing, resting still
a dreamer, oh the idealist in me
another passing day, whispers
each day
a new step, a new lease
of life

voices infiltrate, body, soul
mind, like sand
not a place unturned
morning prayer, nightly promise
just another day
just
another
day.

© Sia Jane

Arousing emotion,
you flee
not me*

You escape
everything you have
that armour
how you plead
for it to
protect thee

Eyes look into mine
for God you devote
those feelings
you can't take with you
the love within
run & hide

You're scared
not another
bride to be
we step unknown
love a new
drug injected

You're in my veins
as I am too
buried deep within you
crack, coke, mary jane
take that look
brutal addiction

Love attacks
it's all the same
go on & swig that drink
oblivion escape
wake again
repeating such insane

Patterns of hate
brought forth
you still believe it is fate
but darling you see
you drive this very bus
ahead of thee

It's a one way street
no diversions will keep
the hurt from its peak
you
so terrifyingly
gave to me

'Cause baby you know
deep within you
you'll never find
another like me
no matter how far
or fast that you flee.

© Sia Jane

I wish behind every smile,
there lay a girl,
with a glimmer in,
her pale blue eyes.
She stumbles & stutters,
seeking safety,
in masochistic rhyme,
as wide as an ocean.
I wish behind, this lying mind,
was a fire of life,
one of such freedom,
jest & surrender.
She walks head dropping,
a sky falling,
ghosts speaking,
softly, loudly, softly, loudly.
I wish at the tender age,
of fourteen, they
culled me, along,
with all those mad cows.
She walks knowing she is,
unfed & scared,
she won't turn to see
another of her hearts beat.
I wish I could count to ten
taper the madness away,
instead I fall,
holes dug in past despair.
She takes the night,
lets the stars keep her alive,
she follows one North,
walking, walking, remembering, walking.

I cannot account the years of struggle,
the battles internally,
the battle wounds outwardly,
wondering,
if any of this is
meant to be.
I don't even know
who I am
when I am
who I am now.
I feel like a work of art.
Thrown paint, a juxtaposition
of images, smiles & pain,
crazy & manic, & contained & erratic.
I am madness.
And too often, I am too weak,
to break through,
madness itself.
Madness is me, I am madness.
She & I,
compose a morning sky.

© Sia Jane