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you don’t understand.
i want to be with you again,
more than anything.
because you were the person
who showed me what it meant
to be truly happy;
because when we were together,
i was the best me i ever was or ever will be.

but the thing is
that i don’t want you coming back to me.
i wasn’t good enough.
i couldn’t make you happy.
and i think you deserve so much better
than i was able to give you.
so fall in love with a thousand other people,
but please, never come down my road again.
you're starting
to get
sick of
me calling
you
beautiful all the
time.

I just never
know what
to say after
getting lost
in your
eyes.
i want it all.
your sleepy murmurs in my ear
as you drift away on a sea of dreams, the
gentle strokes of your fingers,
soft against my spine, the way
you hold me with your whole body.

i watched the moonlight draining onto
your bedroom walls as i lay beside your
slumbering warmth & felt something like happiness
radiating from my core.  your sheets danced with shadowplay
as i listened to your steady breaths
in & out,
couldn’t bear to slip away.

here’s the truth:
your arms feel like home,
like safety,
like a place i never want to leave.  
when you held me in that meadow,
wrapped in dreams & lust & a stark-flecked sky,
whispered the first i-love-you,
i wanted it all.

i want it all,
want to be yours,
crave you in the most indelible of ways,
urgent & deathless.
it’s finally time.  throwing out the razors.
cleansing the smoke from my lungs.
trading the bad habits i wear like shackles
to drown in your skin & sweat & sunshine.

maybe i don’t have a good reason for wanting it.
maybe i just know.
Your eyes are telling a tale
Everywhere you go

Your steps are making rhythms
silent and slow

Your head was never high
Nor does your voice

Every tremble of your hands
Every quiver on your lips
I know.
for my lovely friend who had thought for all these years no one has seen the pain in his eyes or the anxiety on his face. I miss you. be strong.
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