Nicole

Jul 2016

Corvus

Spending a month in a hospital teaches you a lot about people.
The doctor that told me to shave my head or she wouldn't treat me,
The nurses that spent forever chatting to me
And giving me supportive advice about how my illness doesn't define me.
The woman who was given a terminal cancer sentence
And chose not to pay attention to it and defied it anyway.
How she sat next to me on my bed,
Told me that all suffering is valid,
And just because I'm not dying, doesn't mean I don't get to complain.
How she complains more about her skin problems
Than she ever complained about her cancer,
And that's OK, because pain rarely follows rules.
I never even learned her name,
But she gave me the words I hold most closely to me
On those days when I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I'm allowed to scream and shout and rage against the pain
And the unfairness of it happening to me.
I just have to make sure I know where the line is
Between giving my darkness a voice and pitying myself.

#illness #sick #health #hospital

Nicole Apr 2016

Goodbye

When you first told me you cut yourself,
When I first saw the scars on your hands,
When you drowned your sorrows in alcohol,
When you took multiple Xanax pills.

When you constantly skipped school,
When you came back to school from time to time,
When you joked (perhaps not) about how everything makes you want to **** yourself,

I knew it was only about time.
Death was inevitable for you, and more of a matter of when.

I miss you, indefinitely.
I hope you are doing better.
Goodbye, my friend.
Rest in peace.

For my best friend, Marn Shun.

#death #friend #sorrow #goodbye #best

Jan 2016

enin

****** spiral

drowning in caffeine
breathing the nicotine
my blood cant circulate - your love will stimulate.
the ****** of death in **** will simulate
your touch , my need
as we spiral in to sin

separation , depression , paranoia
anxiety - the absence of my sleep
aggression , desperation
toxicity - of a drama we are in
discoloration - i can't control the spin

screams - muted by bitter pills
our dreams - induced by the acid
capsuled lives - longing self destruction
your embrace - disconnection
release me from what is real

obsession - for what we cannot fix
frustration - for what we can't control
memories - of what we used to be
delusions - of what we could have been
isolation - thoughts of being free
now voices dictate what i should feel
digging through my skin - opening the wounds
put your fingers in

remembering the days when we held
an illusion no drugs could replicate
i can't forget.
exchanging promises of never letting go
was it all in my head?
i can't escape the hole.
i walk the road alone.

Nicole Jan 2016

It's my birthday (not on day of posting)

I look at the mirror, someone's staring at me.
I'm eighteen, oh gee.

I get out. Everyone's smiling.
"It's your birthday!", smiles all beaming.

Yet deep down I am filled with worry.
What will my life come to be?

But alas, it is my birthday.
I've noticed how much I've grown.
My face hardly changed,
but I know my actions have shown.

I am now legal.
A great time for most.
No, I will not be chugging down alcohol,
but I will write poetry to sing my songs.

I'm finally 18 it's such an exciting yet worrying time. I hope for the best, and that I would continue writing for years to come.

#birthday #maturity #excited #grown