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Nov 2018 · 1.1k
Calling in Gratitude
River Nov 2018
Spiced Autumn air
Swirling through my home
It peppers my memory
With sadness and hope

It brings me back to seven years ago,
I was a broken-hearted girl
Perplexed over the telephone,
I tried so hard but he had made the decision to close his heart

But here I am now,
Older and wiser
Still dreamt of his distance last night
But truly,
My waking mind is over it

It's just my life is a river
And I'm going deeper into it
Once on the surface
There was so much agitation
So I held my breathe and went under,
Trying to fix the cause of my turbulence

I've definitely healed,
And learned a lot
Both the easy way and the hard way
These little internal shifts
That I've been making gradually
For seven years
Have produced something beautiful in me
Breaking through the seams of my previous tortured being

This river is winding,
So I never know what awaits me
But I've married uncertainty
Knowing it's always pregnant with possibility

I haven't met any cultural milestones
I'm not cool, popular or trendy
All I have to offer this world
Is a broken heart on the mend
But still I'm full of gratitude
And calling in more
For though on the outside
I don't appear to have arrived
I have a root of joy inside my heart
And it's rapidly proliferating
As my gratitude grows.
Happy thanksgiving everybody!
Nov 2018 · 159
Too scared to feel
River Nov 2018
Maybe not everything is meant to be understood by the mind
Because most times words fail to convey
What's truly there
Only our hearts can intuitively comprehend
The feelings we're too scared to feel.
Nov 2018 · 141
Breaking Limits
River Nov 2018
Walk my short way home

Open the door

Eat what I can find for dinner

Go on Snapchat,
Instagram,
Facebook

Searching for signals of you

I love you
I think

In this digital age
We're all so far away

I want to touch you
But my hands
aren't able to break through the screen

I'm bored
I'm lonely

Are you bored,
Are you lonely?

I don't trust myself enough
I always find myself
In sticky relationships,
Even with friends

Messed up people,
I always get caught in their web

But I just want to be free
I want someone
who wants to escape in a car with me

Convertible car,
Painted yellow
with rainbows
Driving away from
this wintry landscape
Into the Californian sun

I need someone to smile with me,
Someone with whom I can be crazy
Laughing my time away,
Savoring all life's beauty

I'm growing heavy with longing
I'm ready to break through
this box I've been confined in.
Nov 2018 · 117
Simple
River Nov 2018
Let it just be simple
The simple beauty of living
May I embrace
the simple pleasures
that beckon me

May I surrender
the heavy burdens
Of bitterness and trivialities
May I seek cautiously,
For my truest bliss
lies in the contentment
of the here and now--
my steady breathe
sustaining me

I always sought something more
walking through city streets
With a demolished heart
My mind was dark
and so was the world
There was very little love
I ever enjoyed

And though nothing has really changed
There is still
too much hatred in this world
And too much suffering
I've rediscovered the simple things,
I guess you could call it
Simply living

I no longer strive unnecessarily
I only open my heart
to a divine plan
that is embedded within me
For if you look closely
You'll see
the how everything is designed,
So meticulously

Like the branches of a tree
Growing outward
in fractal patterns
Or a rainbow
That follows a storm
Their is some sort of
Ethereal choreography to it all
And I just want to dance with it too
Dance with
this divine essence
tugging at me

Sometimes it's hard to believe
But even if I'm wrong,
I don't care
Because living this way
Keeps my heart open
to love
Both tenderly and fiercely
Love is life itself
Creation making love to creation

I've experienced
the darkness of a life
Outside of God's love
But what I didn't know
Was that I could never escape that
which is divine
It was merely an illusion
That lead me on a path to dying

Now,
I don't know what my future holds
I don't have it in the palm
of my hand like
I'd like to think
I'm not in control of it
Like a master manipulator
I've tried those ways
But they just don't work
Why push and strive
When instead I can have
peace and joyful life?

It's okay to surrender,
It's okay to let go
It's okay to not know
Just play and be free
Hey kid, take it easy
You've got a heart for a reason,
Don't trash it
I know it's been broken before
But there's no need to ration love
Love is in abundant supply
It can never run dry
And though some don't know
how to treat you right
Just set proper boundaries,
But never stop loving...
Trust me.
Nov 2018 · 79
My Marble Utopia
River Nov 2018
Marble milk
Cold and soft
like silky steel
Dripping off
from this current reality
Howling
to a non-existent moon
A distant heart
Light years from this home on earth
I've made

It's a utopia
My truest disdain
Where the notes of every voice
Slips stealthily into
the realm of the insane

So far away,
so very far

It's near
Who you are
Who I want you to be
Sitting next to me
Only three doors down
But three doors is an eternity
Each door a pocket into
another reality

Let me play with time and space
This life is not a race
But bestowed
on both grateful and ungrateful

You are my Marble Utopia
So stately and so tall
With you I am enthralled
As my mind slips through
the parameters of my skull
I will drink you all in,
Distant, cold man
Of you I will get my fill

You are so beautiful
You are so far from me.
Nov 2018 · 155
Decide
River Nov 2018
Do you think of me
the way I think of you?

I tried to forget you,
I really did
But God keeps hitting me with
Two by fours

There is no escaping you,
So what do you say?
Do you want me to stay?
Nov 2018 · 100
Sea
River Nov 2018
Sea
The sea is a gentle giant
its waves gently tumble over my luminescent skin
sand granules seep through my body's crevices
and sediment temporarily,
wet and caked

The sea feels like
the inside of my mind
Vast and endless
Curious, present
But wandering beyond
To the farthest distance
my eyes can see

But there is something deeper to the sea
subconscious like shadows
and boundless,
without a bottom
where ghouls and demons
throughout the years
have inhabited this foreign place,
deep down inside of me

Where the sun meets the surface
of the rolling waves
That's where the life exists
Yet you only know the sea
By what you see
Though that is not all
there is to it

The deeper you go,
the darker it gets
Life dwindles
only to the monstrous
Stripped down of any
aesthetic beauty
No one ever wants to confront this

For confronting this
Could cost you the illusion
of the life you thought you had.
Nov 2018 · 293
Willfully Wild
River Nov 2018
I've found my voice again
It's cracked through my throat
like a butterfly
that was transmuting in it's cocoon
For five years

It's like the impenetrable dam
I had constructed
to hold back my truth
Has been utterly demolished
By the power of my truth
like surging waters
Overcoming my fears

Right now my words are like tsunamis
I closed my eyes yesterday
And I witnessed a tornado rising up inside from my belly
Someone prayed for me yesterday and said
She saw me at the throne of God,
God laid his hands on my head
And gave me an anointing of power and courage

I am a warrior
Borne of love

There are no buts or ifs or excuses anymore that I can lean on
The truth is spilling through me and for once I'm
not moderating it
It's wild and terrifying
People are scared
I'm scared
Because I realize now
That I can no longer live this lie
that I've been living for so long
The truth is making sure of it
The truth is pouring through me,
And this time,
I'm willing to speak it.
Nov 2018 · 88
Please You
River Nov 2018
What did you mean
I wasn't acting right?
What did you mean when you uttered those
senseless words into the night?
And I could foretell it all,
But was that because I've common sense?
That when people are passive aggressive and
always treat you with subtle indifference
Things will ultimately implode?
You can only put on the act for so long,
Eventually the performance comes to a close
And you bow to the applauding audience
Regretting the fact that you must return home
to the truth that awaits you there,
that a life of playing it safe and avoiding risk
leaves you small and wanting

But I've found my voice again
It hasn't crept in stealthily,
but is booming through me
Moving through me
And though sometimes it scares me
Because it has the power to shatter worlds
That were never mine
I feel so in love with my voice I wish I never lost
I am so in love with the freedom it is granting me
I am screaming: "I've been set free!"

But the truth is wild and untamed
It hurts as it shoots through my body
Shedding the heavy burdens I've carried past
their expiration dates
This shedding is like the shedding of snake skin
Breaking forth through those old, confining scales
Breathing finally, once again.
I can breathe! I can breathe!
Oh truly, heaven has set me free

Honesty is killing everything that is inauthentic in me
Dousing in gasoline everything that is not in integrity
with my soul
And with one flick of a match
All the lies burn away
All the relationships in which I could no longer remain
Because being real was the last thing these people wanted from me
So, what is killing me must be slain
So I can be free

Now,
I can touch and taste and see my freedom
I've always been different,
And this time I will not apologize for it
Because guess what,
I'm not sorry
And I don't give a **** if you can't deal with that

Maybe all the world will think I'm crazy
For speaking the truth
Because we're conditioned from infant-hood
to pretend our lives away
But with this I'm not okay
I can only be real
I know no other way
And for those years I've pretended,
Well, I'll never get them back
This is why now I live my life
in full fledged passion
Love set in radical action,
For too long I've been hooked into
people pleasing and being passive

But I can't **** myself to please you.
Nov 2018 · 105
Still
River Nov 2018
Stand still child
While the waves crash over you
They threaten to throw you down
And crush the breath out of you

Persist child
Though the salt water like stinging tears scalds your eyes
And now you can barely see
Past this life of disguise

Hold on child
As this world you've come to know and love
disintegrates
You have but one anchor,
And it is not from this realm

Don't lose your hope child
Even while it seems your efforts aren't producing results
Even while the whole world continues on in it's riotous hate
Please don't lose your love, let only love lead you

Child, I know it can be difficult to love most times and most days
Especially in a world so rampant with hate
But I need you to be strong, I need you to be wise
I need you to realize
This time you have on earth is merely temporary
But I have you here for a reason,
For a divine mission

See, people have so easily forgotten their origins
They have become distracted by toys and lust,
Things of no value that in time turn to dust
And even our flesh will perish and we will return to the ground
But our soul continues, this mission never ends

Everyone has been called to this mission to love,
This mission to radically love
It's not a mission of passivity
And telling people what they want to hear
Coddling them and protecting them from all their fears
Life wasn't meant to be lived in a padded cell of safety
Life is meant to be lived vigorously, bravely
But people have deeply forgotten this call,
And they need saving

Just embody love,
this full spectrum emotion
Let it tear your life a part
Give it all you've got
Completely surrender your heart
To this force that will incinerate all your false notions
And all the measly lies you cling to
All the ego protections
And bragging rights you base your identity on
Once you let Love enter fully through the door of your heart
There is no returning back to who you once were
Love will shatter you
As if you were concrete
So all the wildflowers
Could come through again

So child,
I know you may feel small and scared and incompetent
To say yes to this mission I am calling you to
But really everything about you is sacred
And it's this truth I want you to wake up to.
River Oct 2018
There is no such thing as love,
Don't you understand?
All this romanticizing and propping on pedestals
People are all ugly deep down
Pierce through the facade and you'll see
The greedy devil
devouring the life within me

Ha, I had dreams
But where did dreams ever get me?
I can't waste my time
And I'm too wise
to lend my heart over willingly

What if I don't want exclusivity?
What if I believed all people have beauty
What if I'm happier being single
And I don't dream of marriage and having kids
I dream of growth and freedom--
Desire unleashed

What if I'm not typical
I don't feel like I'm a woman,
I don't feel like I'm a man
I don't feel like I have any particular role to fulfill
I only feel obligated to be free and love
Create and play
And make sure everyone can enjoy life in this way

So,
There is no such thing as love...
As we know it.
Love is so much much than what Hollywood sells us.
Oct 2018 · 234
Untitled
River Oct 2018
Sometimes I fear falling asleep,
Sometimes I fear these words I wish to speak
Sometimes I fear losing everything that makes up my world.
River Oct 2018
Browsing, scrolling
Shopping
Consuming

A Blue Guitar,

A Corgi **** pillow.
Oct 2018 · 188
Keep Your Distance
River Oct 2018
Can you feel these words that I keep as secrets
Trying to break forth,
Trying to erupt?
But I suppress,
suppress, suppress
In your eyes I want to undress,
Completely unveiled
Every detail revealed
Of flesh and bone,
Of hearts and home
But no, keep your distance

Only songs can truly understand me at this moment,
Because love isn't supposed to be such a waste a time
All this longing and anticipation,
What am I supposed to do with it?
Offer it up to you,
As a worthless gift?

I just wanted a friend in you
You travel through this world
In an orb of emotional protection,
And me,
I just sit at home
Making things pretty
Decorating my nest

I don't want to keep my distance from you
But you smell of danger
And I just like the rain
I want to run in it,
dance in it
Forget all my pain

Do you understand the burden
I carried in my past life?
This is my new life
And I want to be safe to protect
this tender heart within me
That's already been through so much

Look out into the expansive sky,
Do you see?
You'll see my smile
With warmth
Shining down on you
I don't want to be kept from you,
But I can't help it
If you don't have your **** together

For now I'll keep my distance,
But with things like this, you know what they say:
"Only time will tell."
Oct 2018 · 374
Beautiful Kind
River Oct 2018
Silky yellow
Glowing ever so softly
Ever so sweetly
Spread and sprawled
Over the hills
And through the trees
Like little orbs of glowing light
Calling to me
Wanting to guide me

Whatever this is,
This mysticism
It likes to play
In the kindest way
It tussles my hair
And pinches my cheek
It tickles my nose
And makes me laugh rapturously

It surrounds my body,
The warmth emanating from the light envelops me
Rising into my heart
As love expands through me
Then I see in crystal clear visions
My purpose here
Just one little speck of light,
Called to shine.
To be a beautiful one of a kind.
Oct 2018 · 117
Burn
River Oct 2018
The leaves are changing color,
They’re falling to the ground
Everything is dying,
Without a whisper, without a sound
And I’m here crying
Cause the world as I know it is burning
And there’s no saving it

I look out from my attic window
At the world below
These people are unaffected, I would suppose
They cannot feel it, they cannot see
That the world I’ve known is coming to an end
And in its demise it’s taken my false security

It’s all burning in wild flames now,
My little, perfectly constructed world

I have no other choice now but to take an unknown path
Cause what’s behind me is gone
And I won’t look back,
I’ll use these ashes as soil
To plant my broken heart in
So it can mend,
So it can grow past all it’s current limitations
Cause I’ve learned this before--
Worlds inevitably get torn apart
But if you’d just make it through the wreckage
You’d find new life beyond all the death,
You’d find the green meadow beyond the smoldering aftermath.
Oct 2018 · 94
Secrets
River Oct 2018
I pass you everyday,
But you're cooped up and away
in your world of wonders
Strumming your guitar
That lady of polished wood who loves you exactly as you are

I'm dreaming of the day
I'll see you again
Will it flow naturally like our initial interaction
Or will it be stunted and masked-- calculated

You wondered if this was all a pointless game
But here I am,
Wrapped up in this trivial pursuit
What am I chasing after
When I don't truly know you?

But I do, I want to get to know you
But not in some starry eyed kind of way
I just want to get to know you,
Soul to Soul,
Fully exposed

Cause I feel like I haven't been loved well for a long time,
And that's because I haven't been willing to reveal myself,
But even sometimes when I do,
People shun my realness...
But not you

But now I feel disconnected from you,
So very far away
I'm trying to touch you through a screen
I see your beautiful face and I scream
with mounting desire and anticipation
But I halt myself,
and deter myself from opening up

Caged by secrets
I don't intend to tell
But if I would just open my mouth
to dispel my truth
I would be set free from my hell...
There is no other way to this.
Oct 2018 · 127
Time
River Oct 2018
Time passes
Dreams slowly die
I looked into your open eyes
And spoke strange things

Time passes
And dreams go away
Nothing ever happens
The status quo remains

I might go insane
Everything is monotonous
Every single day
Come, take my pain away

I don't care how good or bad you are
I'll pack up all my life into a suitcase
And jump into your car,
Just one request: Drive far

Can't you see?
I can't take the pointless drudgery
Stuck in between
Wanting to stay and wanting to leave.
Oct 2018 · 122
Tangled
River Oct 2018
My mind is tangled in knots
Why can't I have you?

To own another
Outside of myself
Make you love me
The way I want you to

But is it truly a lover I want?
Or a fantasy to be fulfilled
An aching desire
To be celebrated, to be put on a pedestal

Selfish ambition
Is what I have
And manipulation is your curse
I'm dropping it, I'm dropping you

Why would I dream
That a compelling conversation
Could mean something more
Something beyond the constant boredom

I'm tired
Of waiting for you
Oct 2018 · 120
Mother
River Oct 2018
Mother, so wonderful and so bright
You are the warm soil beneath my feet
The expansive blue above my reckoning mind

Oh Mother,
How the masses have ravaged you
Trying to change you into something mechanical,
Something more controllable

Mother, have they lost their heart,
Where is their soul?
Take me far from this polluted humanity
I just want to be able to hear the secrets
that ride on the whispers of the wind again

Mother, you are constantly caressing me
With your abundant life surrounding me
Your warm air kisses me,
Little waves play with my toes
Butterflies are always greeting me
I feel complete in my soul

Maybe I'm a self made mystic
In awe of the beauty surrounding me
But I am also struck down by pain,
The collective pain of humanity

Oh Mother,
teach us how to get back to our roots
We don't have to suffer in the ways we do
Teach us how to be simple and true,
Mother,
Just like you.
Oct 2018 · 145
God is Not
River Oct 2018
God is not what we think God is
God can't be found in ancient texts
Or ornate institutions
We don't reach God by following rules
Or keeping up appearances
God is so much more than what we've been taught and told about God
God is perfect love,
And this love is free for all.
Oct 2018 · 330
Rise
River Oct 2018
Sometimes I turn around to see
everything I have left behind me
It’s weird to think of who I was
compared now to who I am
I never knew it would be this way
But still, I’m content

It’s just really different you see
Becoming the person
I never knew I could be
So many things on the inside are changing in me
And that’s okay,
I’m happy

I don’t know what the future holds,
I can’t know the indiscernible
I’ll have to put my mind to rest
And open my heart to the unknown
But it always seems
That there is a deep wisdom in me
Only accessible past the mind,
In the silence of peace

As winter descends
I will guard this flame growing in my heart
I live in a cruel world full of endless distractions
But I will remain, standing firmly in love
Now is not the time to cower,
Now is the time to rise above.
Oct 2018 · 519
How Can You
River Oct 2018
How can you remember anything
when you’ve turned off your mind
How can you experience anything
when your heart is silenced?

How can you know who you are
when you’re a people pleaser
Smiling fasley
Averting your eyes to conceal your truth deep within

My words pour through me like clashing symbols
Desperately trying to make a statement
Seeking to grab my attention
But I’m elsewhere
I’m never here
Sometimes I subsist in reveries,
But mostly I suffer through nightmares
with eyes wide open

There is a sickness growing silently within me
But I’m not here to tend to it
I sometimes peel back my armor
and re-enter my body
when I’m with another person
whom I believe might be able to receive me fully,
Someone who could possibly see me and love me
But I’m left stranded
After courageously revealing my tender soul
I guess they were simply too blind to see
My pure, childlike beauty
So I stuff my real self down again,
Down underneath my false representative
Below the surface of my fake identity
Is the only place my real self will ever belong

But I can’t accept that,
It’s not my truth
Maybe social conditioning
tells me I must follow the rules
to fit in
But I don’t want to fit in anymore

I feel something rising within me,
Something latent that I’ve dismissed within me for so long
It is my battlecry,
It is my truest song
I just won’t allow fear to hold me back anymore
I’ve got this one life,
And what is it for?
I may have hit countless rock bottoms
But I’ll always rise,
For with every time I rise
I become stronger,
And wiser
And kinder,
Softer, more weathered
But humbled
With every instance my heart was cracked
It opened
Wider and wider

So you see,
I can’t be what you need me to be
I can’t go back to who I used to be
I must answer to this new life beckoning me
I must rise once again
To invite this process of becoming everything I am meant to be.
To defeat the darkness within me.
Oct 2018 · 413
Bored
River Oct 2018
Maybe I'm just bored,
and you seemed like an escape

Bad boys always do
seem to be the portal
to access through
into dreams exhilirating

But bad boys have souls too
though they'd never admit it
Girls like me want to love them to gentleness
Sometimes we melt through the aloof exterior
and find chinks in his armor
But we find out inevitably
that he can't love you anyway
'Cause he doesn't love himself

Us good hearted girls
with wide open hearts
in deep need of healing,
Believe
"If I could love a wounded man like him
Maybe, one day,
Someone could possibly love me"

I guess I was just bored,
I guess I just wanted someone to kiss
I guess all my unconscious baggage
reemerged on the surface
when you came back into my life
I guess you made me question in some ways
the patterns I am hooked into
and how they make me not okay

But you're just a bad boy,
Though I see more
You've told me who you are
And even though I'm bored
I can't entertain chaos anymore
I don't wish to return to the fire,
Once again.
Oct 2018 · 289
I'm Not Your Healer
River Oct 2018
I've got a big heart
that needs to lavish love on aching souls--
Souls malnourished from a lack love
But my love runs out
and I run dry
Yet these hungry souls
keep stealing from me
like cannibals feeding on the weak
And now I know why

I can't just give them what they need
People need to learn how to love themselves
without the desperate pleas for attention
when what really needs to be addressed
is a deep desire to be truly seen

Maybe I think to much
Or believe everyone wants to heal
I just don't get why it's so hard for some people too love,
Why it's so hard for some people to feel

My healer tendencies have got me dying
I'm trying to feed the world while I'm starving
First,
I've got to feed myself.
Oct 2018 · 207
Darkness
River Oct 2018
Early mornings start dark
and quiet, and still
My side of the earth has not yet awoken,
the birds and the crickets are not heard
I feel as if I can be myself
while my neighborhood is rubbing there swollen eyes,
there eyes averted, not on me

sometimes, during the day
When people are awake
I feel like my words echoe
and hit walls
but never quite make it
to the ears of the hearts
who I want to hear
It always feels unclear
Radio static

In the darkness I feel my brightest.
In the darkness I feel my freest.
In the darkness I feel my wildest.

Physical darkness doesn't scare me
Emotional darkness does
A lack of introspection
A refusal to take inventory of yourself
and clean up "your side of the street,"
To get your **** together,
to heal your pain

So don't cast your darkness on me
When all I'm seeking is to shine forth through my broken pieces.
Sep 2018 · 115
It means Everything
River Sep 2018
I'm laughing
Twirling through the fog
of this dispassionate love
I can no longer play the game
I set myself free
to run as far as I need

Ah, my mind has been clinging
To what?
Fictions of love
But love isn't the way we were taught
Love is self realization,
burning your former self
whispering sweet goodbyes
to the innocence of your childhood

Adulthood is the grave of childhood dreams
Yet I've reawakened something in me
This is why I dance upon the breeze
Embracing the colors of the wind
Imbuing everything with meaning.

Sometimes depression overcomes me and I wonder if anything has meaning
But then I remember
Life is abundantly beautiful
and it means everything.
Sep 2018 · 154
It's not too late
River Sep 2018
It's not too late
To love

I know what dying to self is
It's a metamorphosis
But it's not pretty

It's a dissolution of everything you were
And all you planned to become
Burning in wild flames all your disguises
To get to the heart of who you truly are
And what you need to be

Because this world needs people
Who can welcome change
People who can allow God
To strip them bare
Until you have nothing left to cling to
When you're destitute
That's when you'll be free
From all this vain striving in our society

I once was strong but now I'm weak
I'm tattered, torn a part, barely able to speak
But I feel so real now
Before my mind was a machine
Trying to calculate how I would acquire everything I want and need
But now I have peace
Because I trust,
That whatever may be
I have the strongest ally beside me
Though I don't agree with religious ideas of God
I believe God's unadulterated love
Is always guiding me
Whispering ever so softly,
"Listen to me."
I want others to have this love for themselves
To know they are perfectly loved,
And love has a way of healing things radically
Some would even say miraculously.
Sep 2018 · 184
Drowning
River Sep 2018
What are these words for
when emotions like a tsunami
consume me
Why must I feel everything so deeply
so beautifully yet so distressingly
I've always seen the world in magnificent hues
But sometimes the somber blues are pronounced
I walk through the earth
as if the air where a thickened liquid
Stumped by misery
Hurt by the compassionless
and the sickened state of this world

It feels, at times
Like God has let go of my hands
and I fall
so rapidly
to the torrents below
The deluge swallows me
And I'm drowning

All I see is vain ignorance
or intelligent armor
I don't see the people connecting anymore
through wide open hearts
I just see phones snapping and snipping
pieces from our tired, worn out lives
Our hearts are closed and small
Just like the Grinch
living in caves
up and away
from connecting with life
in a way that opens us up to both hardship and bliss

I'm drowning in the sadness of my mind
To rewild my heart I must disconnect,
take some time
Follow the flow of the river that runs below
soak my feet in the salty mud
connect with God, though maybe
God is everything
the feminine, the masculine,
The breeze.
Sep 2018 · 227
Mix tapes of my heart
River Sep 2018
Do I see it now?
Images and echoes of future notions
reverberate through my mind
I'm trying to come up with a definitive answer
But the future is concealed,
Smiling slyly behind privacy glass
I'll never know, despite how much I grasp

It was just,
words were shared
Words that I haven't spoken for so long
Those words flowed through me effortlessly
And gasped sighs of relief
as they hit the air
that carried them on sound waves
to his ears

I felt like he saw me
I haven't felt seen for a while now
Who is this mystery man
That I've always admired from afar
Coming unpredictably into my life
And cracking open my heart?

The unplanned encounter felt natural
So natural it was almost raw
I exposed myself,
Naked
Flaws and quirks and odd thoughts
Openly displayed
I couldn't be anyone but myself
And with him that was okay

This encounter has triggered daydreaming in me
But I must remain rooted in reality
For the ride on cloud nine is exhilarating yet swift
It gets you so high
and then kicks you off over a cliff
I've gotta be patient, I've gotta stay strong
I have to really know myself
Before I can know another
I've gotta let all expectations go
and just go with the flow
No manipulating to get my way
Just simple openness to a God-led way.
Sep 2018 · 235
A World of Dreams
River Sep 2018
I want to dream
You all say your life is unsatisfactory
That makes me so **** sad
I want to live in a world of possibilities
Not helplessness and depression
I want freedom and loving expression

I know what I dream of exists
I must love myself free
From this miserly mix
I have a heart beating within me
And I will listen to her.
Sep 2018 · 114
Weird
River Sep 2018
Fuchsia, Magenta, Yellow
Running down
Making strands of color
On my face
I'm laughing
Cheerfulness in multitudes makes me appear
A fool
But I've never been one
To be cool

I'm weird
I must admit
I could never be in the cool crowd
I belonged to the under dogs
The eccentrics
The outcasts
I didn't want to fit in

Because I want to let my freak flag fly
I want to don all the colors sprawled out
like a kaleidoscope of endless colors
I want to love in my ****** up, peculiar way
I want to run in the rain
Run so far away
But allow the sun to soak and dry every tear I've cried
I need my fellow weirdos
To join me
I never fit in
And I don't need to
I just wanna be me
I want to love, love, love!
Endlessly
Sep 2018 · 180
Quiet Gratitude
River Sep 2018
I run to the shore
I dance on the edge
My emotions are the white flecks
in a snow globe shaken
Aroused and beating
My heart is beating and big
Growing
ever growing
My roots are deep
And now my foliage will show
All that has healed in me
and everything that is yet to heal
Still
I stand still

I run to the waves
I ******* Brave
My courage
My love
I feel special
I feel a quiet gratitude
Gently pulsing within me.
Sep 2018 · 93
Understand
River Sep 2018
Roses bloom under
A late summer moon glowing
I must understand.
River Sep 2018
Confusion is addicting
I devour metaphors and gulp down symbols
Forever attempting to conjure a path that is most fitting
To finally discover the key to that which fulfills

But I turn down wrong roads
Most times I find myself stranded
I have no chosen destination to which I set out to go
So I am as a vagabond haunted by the multitude of roads

I've sought a saviour
But I know I must save myself
A total overhaul of my behavior
Will guarantee the something else (I seek)

I've been running for so long
But now I have no other choice but to collapse
For I am no longer strong
All my youthful energy has been sapped

If only there was a way
I could know for sure
I just don't want to make a big mistake
One from which I could never turn back

But a silent whisper in my heart
Says these words to me
"There has to be a better way"
And for this way I pray.
Sep 2018 · 290
Fading Blue
River Sep 2018
The sky is a deep dark blue
Fading
The city twinkles in the distance
The water plays with the shore

I am so grateful

I arrive home
I take my dog out for a walk
I stop by my friends house
Where the bible study is held
A few friends remain
We laugh,
We love

I walk home
Beaming
Love pouring through me
Like an endless waterfall
I am full
I am loved
I am so happy.
:) so many warm feelings. So many good things today
Aug 2018 · 1.2k
Grateful
River Aug 2018
The meadow glows with a soft ambivalence
The air is humming with the chattering of birds
They try to do their best to impress with nests of decadence
But eyes aware see through the facade
My heart dreamt of days when wounds will be shared
In circles of trust and love
To heal that which congeals, and blocks the flow of love

I spent some time to tread the earth as a sojourner,
I set out alone
Though I never felt lonesome
The world spoke to me,
The earth kept me company
Her symphony carries through the universe
I felt loved and warm
I felt found
Though some may have described me as lost.
I was so profoundly found
In the company of the earth.

At night I would travel to the silver moon
And dance upon her
I would see the world below me
Blue and green and beautiful
My heart felt like a treasure beating in my chest in that moment
There was so much to be grateful for,
And there always has been.
Aug 2018 · 129
Scenes
River Aug 2018
It's quiet
Slow like molasses
I hear the children in the background
and the church bells ringing
I love but I still hurt,
this low hollow ache of undigested agony
I covered it with a smile
but it still overcomes me
I am like an ocean
Typically calm and serene
with little bursts of waves
touching people's feet
But storms come unexpectedly
a turbulence that I don't think I can withstand
I am like a light house
standing strong
on the rocky ground
As violent waves crash over me
It's quiet now
But the waves ache deep within
I'm wary of awakening them
And waking my self up to my unease
I just don't want to think anymore
Because I'm scared of crashing down
Just need to listen now
and try to love
despite my wounds.
Aug 2018 · 122
Look
River Aug 2018
Look at me
Don't turn away
Look into my eyes boy
And don't let yours stray
My eyes will tell you everything,
But I know that's not okay

I understand
That sometimes people make decisions
Without a clear plan
And so things get jumbled
And things become unclear
Like you're not sure where you're going
You don't know who to love
But it's all okay for now,
I guess
Life is just a wave
For us to ride

And yet I still yearn
For our eyes to meet
The way they once did
Last year
But you turned your face away
You disappeared
I'll never truly understand
Why you did

I know you want to look
But now you only glance
You can't reconcile your desires with your shoulds,
You can't abandon your social expectations
For a dream come true.
Aug 2018 · 185
Today
River Aug 2018
Today is just like any other day
I'm barely awake
The water runs as
I think of everything I don't want to face
I look back all the time
Remembering where I've been and where I've come from
My face is just a lie
My heart is seeking home

My home is my roots
Deep down within me
I'm a soul encased in white flesh
But there's a story to me

I try to behave
Everyday, all I ever do is behave
I remember in middle school
I heard on some women's talk show
That good girls don't make history
I would repeat that to myself as a teen
Now all I repeat is daily drudgery

I have expectations on my shoulders
And I'm surrounded by white people,
But I'm not like them
They claw onto their intellect
As if they know what suffering is
Their hearts are shiny, well polished glass
There is nothing in them
And they easily crack
No substance or meaning
Beyond their roles
White people, white people
With white souls

But I'm from Brooklyn,
does that make a difference to you?
I've known suffering
But not in the way some of my dark-skinned peers have suffered
I was just the white girl to them in school
My skin represented the source of their oppression
Some subconsciously hated me
I felt like a pariah,
I have always felt like a pariah
Clamoring to fit in

The best route to fitting in
I found,
was self deprecating humor
And acts of senseless rebellion
Or just becoming so quiet that no one would notice me
Now that I'm surrounded by white people,
Nothing has changed
They're the type of white people who glorify knowledge
I love to learn
But they are straight up elitist about intelligence and education
But what else can you expect from privileged white people?

My skin in some ways makes me privileged,
But I also am not the type of white
that comes from money
My family is not the type of white that is devoid of trauma
We're not the type of white who are bland, coldly intellectual, and superficial

But this poem isn't about flesh
It's about being ****** an outcast
Forever being misunderstood by a spectrum of people
While I deeply understand every person that crosses my path
No one seems to be able to understand me
And *******, that's lonely.
River Aug 2018
I'm merely a sail in the wind
I have no preference,
North, South, East, West
Take me in any direction,
As long as it's God-led

I just want to be an autumn leaf
I just want to sink softly back to the ground that birthed me

My mind is busy,
Everyone's mind is busy
Adulthood is busy,
Always so busy

I forgot the child I was
and her dreams
Her aspirations, her goals
Her feelings, her thoughts
Her inner knowings
Everything she loved
Everything she lost

Will I ever be her again?

There is a longing here,
in my heart

I want innocence.
Aug 2018 · 110
Revolving doors
River Aug 2018
Revolving doors
Spinning round
Only getting back to where I started,
Always
Aug 2018 · 155
A Prayer
River Aug 2018
This is a prayer
For those down on their knees
Begging a foreign God above
to bring an end to their unease
A prayer for those who turn to various vices
to temporarily lift the constant pain of a tortured life
I just want you to know
God sees your pain,
God sees your strife
But most importantly
Behind all the chaos
God sees you
and He loves you unconditionally

Maybe you don't know what real love is
Maybe your parents were cruel and neglectful
Maybe kids at school bullied you
Maybe you feel as if you have never fit in
No one ever loved you fully
Loved both your lovely aspects and your sins

But I can assure you
There is a God
Who takes an interest in you
Who cares for your every hidden hurt
that you hide away in shame
The world does not know how to love,
this is true
It is spilling over with hate
But see, God
He love you just for you
God always seeks out the goodness in our hearts
It doesn't matter how far gone you feel you are
You are always invited to be a son or daughter of God

Jesus died a brutal death
So that you wouldn't have to be in ******* to
the endless lies of this world
You can be set free by love, truth and peace
I invite you to experience God first hand
the way I have
I can't guarantee that people are going to love you the way you need to be loved,
But I can guarantee that God is a stable foundation
that can't be destroyed
Build your life upon the foundation of God
and revel in the joy that comes with being fully convinced that you are loved by the Creator of the universe.

You don't need anything else in this world but God,
trust me.
This poem is dedicated to my cousin Billy, who died of a drug overdose yesterday on August 13, 2018. Rest in peace Billy. Your family loves you. I am praying on behalf of your soul. For some reason, I just know you are with our Creator right now, feeling more loved than you ever have your entire life. I love you. Look out for us here down below. I know all your sins are forgiven and you are now able to rest in the endless Love of God. <3
Aug 2018 · 364
Breaking to Pieces
River Aug 2018
I walked to the mirror when I woke
I noticed that pieces of myself still lingered on my bed
cracked fragments of plaster made a trail behind me with my every step

I looked into that mirror
That mirror that told truths I did not want to know
It revealed a face wrought by troubles
A soul diseased with woes

This plaster was my makeshift armor
that I encased my too delicate self into
The plaster was hard and white
and just beneath it was my spirit
Still intact, though it only emitted a faint light

I can still recall a time
When I was allowed to broadcast my spirit
in all her riveting splendor
She was a kaleidoscope of lights
like the aurora borealis
dancing among the stars

But these systems and these expectations
Knotted her into limitation
Suffocating her every dream
and damning her to a life of monotony and trivilaity
Surrounding her with people
Who don't have the eyes to see
A destiny beyond their constant, choreographed agony

I quieted my mind
And pondered all these things in my heart
I took a sledge hammer
to the remaining plaster on my body
My armor broke to pieces
Strewn out on the floor, no longer serving as protection
and suffocation
I can finally breathe again.

My spirit is regaining her health
Soon she will soar
I'm stepping out on this journey
And though in leaving the past there is so much uncertainty
I think with glee:
Oh, the things this magical existence has in store!
Aug 2018 · 707
Defined by Me
River Aug 2018
"Who am I?"

I utter these words into the emptiness

The emptiness plaguing my soul

Rainbow strands woven within a deep midnight hue

Is the aura of my personality

I have a darkness, I live in unease

It's not poetic

It's agony

Listless and confused

On the canvas of my life are disoriented objects out of place

A jazz song on full blast-- a raucous display

Of my heart and mind up in wild flames

I quest for meaning

Words to wrap around my life

So it would make more sense to me

But words fall short..

Words lose their meaning

When your life is in endless disorder and disharmony

I feel compelled to take my life within tight fists

To reign it in

Somehow

But I fear structure and routine

Would be water to the flame of my creativity

But my creativity

She needs order to ground her dreams in reality

Or else

I will spend my days in a magical reverie

And fail to contribute to the world

In this one, beautiful, free life

I have been gifted.
"Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time." --Marian Wright Edelman
Aug 2018 · 145
Personal Declaration
River Aug 2018
I've been suffering for some time
Repeating mistakes on rewind
Playing out patterns from infant-hood
And it hasn't left me feeling good

I realized
I have to burn some inner contracts
That I've made long ago
Contracts like
Promising to be there for everyone in need
But I didn't know then that promising that
Would open me up to manipulative people
Who play the role of the boy who cried wolf
They take pride in their victimhood
And with their ploys
Get people like me to meet their every need
Without them having to reciprocate

I have to burn the contract
That I'm only on this earth to please
Other people's needs
They don't even need to respect me
Because I just want their love
But their love is always sub-par
Because these toxic people I attract into my life
Suffer from self-hatred,
And maybe I still do too

I'm burning all old ways
That have kept me tied down to the lies
That I haven't been able to transcend
By denial
I must look these lies that bind right into their very eyes
And recognize their pain
Why I developed these lies to protect me
But I'm awakening
To the truth
That God
And Her/His Love
Is the only way
To my freedom.

So, here I am
Saying goodbye to every lie,
Even every white lie
To shed the layers of pain
And self denial
For a life
of following Love's possibilities.
I am ready.
Aug 2018 · 1.1k
Intoxicated
River Aug 2018
Your words once intoxicated me
I inhaled deeply, against my better judgement
And allowed you to engulf me,
both my heart and my psyche
I ignored the lies
And reveled in the ignorance
Until the inevitable day came
When truth dawned on me like a blinding light
And obliterated every lie in it's white hot truth

I'm still in denial,
Not anymore about you
But about everything
The fact is that I'm an addict
to numbing myself
Because I can't face life's harsh realities
So I just keep running
Into oblivion
I shoot myself up with vices
Blindly wasting time on devices
And all sorts of unfulfilling endeavors
And so my double-mindedness persists
My my pain echoes loudly between my ears, and my gratitude is running low
But there is a deep inner knowing within me
that tells me, ever so softly
"Violet, you have to grow"
Jul 2018 · 1.0k
Too the Ones who go Unseen
River Jul 2018
This is a poem for the ones who go unseen,
the ones who go unnoticed,
Who go through their life in a quiet reverie
Though they are of few words
There entire life is a dream
They don't get an influx of likes on social media,
No one is begging them for dates
They just do what they need to do,
While blending nicely into the background
Their minds are loud
But there lips refuse to make a sound

This is for the ones
Who think they don't belong
No one can see their pain
Because no one looks close enough these days
We're a surface level generation
Praising fool's gold
We fill our mind's with aggravation
And our lives are either extremes
of mania or stagnation
But then there are the unseen
Still reveling in all the simple things
They are the unobtrusive rebels of society,
The true rebels really
For they don't rebel on Instagram
They rebel, unwittingly,
For everything they do
Is in opposition to popular culture

I write this
To remind you all
To not overlook the underdog,
For they are the most riveting of people
Though they don't build a personal brand and a steeple
To advertise their life
They are the most genuine folk
Without a lick of pride

I haven't always been so cognizant
of the underdog's pain
I connect with them the most, of course
Because they really listen to me, and make room for my authenticity
But at times I've chosen to be vain
Ditching the underdog for the "cooler" crowd,
And all for social gain
And yet, surrounded by people with whom I do not have a sense of belonging
Loneliness echoes in my heart,
And it amplifies when I'm trying to fit in
It leads to deafening silence
And in the dead of night, hours of crying

But you don't need to be born an underdog
To change this social conditioning
For our whole lives our culture has programmed us to be on a mission,
To be better, more efficient
So we can gain success, so we can have superficial love
We're not merely automaton's with minds
We're sentient beings, with hearts that need to love
And *we're alive
Jul 2018 · 216
slowly breaking open
River Jul 2018
the door cracked open
light flooded through that small crack
into the dark room

it's been dark for some time now,
years now
there is no way to be deliberate about this
when days take their own form
and harden, refusing to yield

and as an artist
I want to contort things to my own liking
I want to create my own reality
yet for this endeavor the price is high
for my days become full of useless striving
chasing all I think I want
but I'm left bewildered
when I find that everything I've chased all along
Has always been within me

for now I have a ***** in the armor of my heart
but soon my heart will no longer need armor
for it's love will shine forth,
mighty and true
it will be radiant and powerful
that it will no longer need
the injured identity and poorly constructed walls
the armor is comprised of
for the heart in it's authenticity
is the most potent force in all the universe
when we vow to live our lives with integrity
then we have promise ourselves
that we will break free from the rat race--
the endless suffering
of a purposeless life.
Jul 2018 · 145
lost in God
River Jul 2018
to tell you the truth,
I'm a nobody
searching in this world,
all this useless striving
Just trying to be a somebody
even though I've repeated the sinner's prayer many times
I'll never quite be saved from myself
and this is why I'll always stick close to God
Because God loves me like no one else

It's just funny, you see
because the earth is populated with billions of people
but I can't seem to find ones that genuinely love me
we really never learned how to love,
we love useless things instead
commodities that rot
but we don't know how to do what is most important,
and that is living from our heart

but this is why I lean on God,
God, my magnificent creator
and by this I know
I am infinitely loved
And I don't need
human love to confirm this to me.
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