Ah, the sky is so grand
Absolutely riveting,
Expansive blue
dancing with the viridescent hills below
I breathe it all in
And hold my breathe
I forget to exhale
And fall
Downward laughing wildly
Into an infinite spiral
Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole

People think your imagination is in your mind
But really it's in your heart
It's all your secret yearnings
tucked quietly away
Until your head hits your pillow
And the images of your dreams come alive

My dreams
Are made of iridescent spheres of pure love
Crystalline energy
Rising through this body made of
Earth and Stars
Love is beckoning me
To open up to my limitless dreams
And drop the pretenses, the learned act
The conformed suffering, the days of slack
I feel God itself beckoning me
To open to this tsunami of love
Let it wreck me, wide open
So love can forever flow through me.

Remember this
As it swiftly drips from your grip
Remember this
As the image your eyes see
Will erode through time
Leaving behind only a fragment in your mind
Remember this
As you look
Blankly into the screen
This life is not all that it seems
It passes by so quickly
So stop and take notice
Absorb and embrace
And try to remember
Before it's all erased.

I've been spending my time slowly breaking down,
Not even intentionally
Just subconsciously
My days have been dark, clouded and slow
I pray for something else,
But do I really want it?

Yes. Today I declare I want to live.
Did you hear me?
I said:
Today I choose life

Now my life is full of color again,
Color and laughter and gaiety
I am surrounded by loving people
Whose love shoots out through there hearts like beams of light

I am so ridiculously happy,
Spilling with joy
I smile wide as tears stream down my face,
Hands over my heart,
Dancing in the summer rain.

I like diversity
Like braided wildflowers hung upon wrought iron fences
I like to see all different faces of different complexions,
Different body shapes and sizes
I love bodies soft and hard,
Lean, curvy, short, and tall
I like straight teeth, crooked teeth, no teeth
I love women who walk this earth like they own it
I love men who express themselves in ways that oppose their gender's roles
I like people who like to love
In a non-romantic kind a way
No striving after what you think you want
Just being so in love with life
With everything and everyone
I invite all races, cultures, ****** orientations, genders, political parties, and spiritual beliefs at my table
I invite everyone
Everyone who is willing to come to the table
With a heart ready to stop polarizing
And start healing with love.

What if I were to be a conch shell?
Emptied of my pain, of my trivial afflictions
What if all my memories were stripped from my mind,
Would my mind become bleak like the frigid landscape of Antarctica
Or would it finally be empty enough to become saturated by unfiltered light?

What if I have used my mind as a crutch for all these years,
Because loving was just too fierce,
Too all encompassing
Love could lift me to my highest highs,
And promptly pulverize me in a matter of seconds.
Because of my unhealed pain surrounding love
I unintentionally sequestered myself in the small realm of my mind
Becoming dizzy and detached from my heart and body
As my mind stewed in a mess of overthinking,
In this process trying to derive the perfect formula
To avoid future pain at all costs

But I just wonder, if maybe
All this pent up inner torment doesn't truly belong to me,
Like, it shouldn't form my identity
I guess it's really hard to say,
Because these traumas make up so much of who I am today
But maybe I shouldn't allow them to have so much authority over my life
Because truly, these traumas are the source of my continuing strife
I just think, that maybe
If I willingly surrendered my psychological debris to God
That He would take it and dissolve it,
So He could fill me, unhindered, with His unconditional love.

It's all making sense now
As I watch from a lowered head
The universe is expanding
As everything in my reality is coming to an end

I just wonder, Who have I become?
Because I experience myself within the hooks of society
Quiet obedience and detached formality
Engaging in the dance that is expected of me

I've had dreams that made me scream
But they dissolve like iridescent beads arising from my mind
Where is the magic,
In the veins of the earth?
The streams that overflow?

I take a step beyond
Into the streams
And it dissolves the rigid conformity, the chains that bind me
I feel my heart and mind merging with the One
The One who will save me
From myself,
And every ingrained idea of who I need to be...

Set me free.

I look over my shoulder
To all that I have lost
I look into the mirror
And see all I have become
And I can’t quite say I’m satisfied
With who I’ve grown to be
I just remember all the useless striving
And now all the monotony
I’ve always been searching for something more
But what if this is it?
What if my life is just old wounds and festering sores
With no real hope and no real bliss?

I think I know what I want
But when I get it I push it away
Or I run
My mind is vague and tired
My heart seeks for relief
I’m stuck in patterns that will result in my demise
I just want to experience life again through a child’s eyes
But I know too much now
I’m cynical and guarded
My heart just wants to love but I’m hurting

I can’t feel anything too deeply anymore
I smile, but what for
It’s merely a mask to conceal the endless yearning within me
And all the regret lurking inside me
My pain echoes like a dull drumming
No one seems to understand me
So I just keep running
Maybe, one day
I’ll run right into
What I’ve been hoping for
I’ll run right into the bright warm light of the sun
And it will absorb my misery
It will illuminate my small life with expansive love.
Under every vain pursuit I’ve chased
Has been the intrinsic need to be unconditionally loved.

tunnels are like the transitory phases of your life
driving so fast, but everything seems to be in slow motion
in a surrealist painting
you're moving forward so quickly
but you still feel stationary
the lights pass you, one after the other
it seems like you will never again see the sun
all you can hear are the endless echoes that surround you,
all you can truly know
is the grey concrete that envelopes you
and the endless road ahead of you.

It's been a long time since things have been quiet
I'm always on social media,
Playing music
With the t.v. on in the background
I fall asleep to Netflix episodes I never watch,
I just put them on to lull me to sleep
It's been a long time
Since I've stopped the constant chatter of electronics,
And just sat silently with the natural sounds
I suppose they scare me
I'm numbing with devices
Filling my mind with empty vices
Until I finally experience the silence
And my mind speaks out in violence
I want the quiet,
I need the quiet
But I can't stand what my mind is
When all the chatter isn't there.

I don't like clocks
I cover them with a cloak
I hide away under white covers
Light tries to break through my shades
But I am away, I am away
I am a stowaway
On life's ride
I'm just here for free
I refuse any limitations that would bind me
Time passes like molasses
I'm on a spinning rock
And my mind is spinning too.

Before we figure out how to be tenderly strong
we must first decipher what it means to be tenderly strong

To be tenderly strong
means to be soft and vulnerable,
playful like a child,
with a wide open heart
that jumps at every opportunity to share love

But that just covers the tenderness
We mustn't abandon our strength,
Our will to advocate for human rights
The New Thought movement has taught people
That there is no other,
That all evil is based in shame
And all aspects of life that are incongruent with peace
Are merely illusion
They say everything is love,
Even the act of ****** (I actually read that in a new thought book)
But calling evil things good
Only make us complacent delusional idiots
High on feel good endorphins
While we turn a blind eye to people's suffering

To be tender and to be strong
Seems almost at war with each other
But now I am seeing that you need to be tender first to be strong,
And you must be strong to protect your own tenderness
Your tenderness is your wide open heart that loves the whole world and everything in it,
Your strength puts that love into action
Your tenderness is wholly compassionate and can hold deep space for other's suffering and for your own,
Your strength knows how to measure out and deliver that compassion
Your tenderness is the friendly kid-like kindness that you want to gleefully share with everyone,
Your strength is the loving parent that sets healthy boundaries with the outside world, allowing the inner-child to play in security

You need both tenderness and strength
In relating to the world
you can't be too saccharine or people will walk all over you,
and you mustn't be too strong or people will never be able to know you intimately.

I don't believe in love the way I used to
I use to dream of far off fairy tale kingdoms
Where valiant princes rescue damsels in distress
But I've grown a lot, I've evolved
I like being strong for myself,
Having my own interests
And being liked for me and not just my appearance
I don't feel like I need love in a romantic sense
I feel like all my needs for love are met
By way of a diverse gang of interesting people
My patience is being cultivated
As I dive deeper into these intimate heart connections
That initially feel scary
But are so rewarding in the long run
Maybe I'm just training for the most soul-shattering
Love relationship in my life
But the dynamic of this relationship won't be the knight in shining armor, damsel in distress paradigm
But two whole people entering into a union of love
Shaped by boundaries
And molded by mutual respect
So, no
I no longer believe that anyone can "save" me in the form of a romantic relationship
I saved myself, with the support of my community
But ultimately,
I did the work, but my community allowed me to put my work into practice.

This mind of mine is comprised of horrors
I smile all the time but all my dreams are nightmares
I live in constant fear,
Paranoid glances over my shoulder,
Impending doom always seems to be on the rise
Like tidal waves threatening to consume my small reality
I feel numb, so ******* numb
And everyone I know is empty too
Pretending to be okay,
Too scared to love, too scared to live
Everything is just so intense
I'm tired of persisting in this way, but I don't change
I see promise on the precipice,
Yes, right on the edge of this cliff,
What if I jumped?
Would I fly?
If I jumped, would it stop these tears that I cry?
If only, if only they had compassion,
If only I felt love
If only just one person would look into my eyes
With love and understanding,
I think it would soften the blow
Of my harsh reality.

If dreams came true
Right now I would be holding you
I would be so deep into the center of my bliss
I would see the world in vibrant hues
My inner world would become warm like honey with your every kiss
I dream of you,
But dreams never seem to come true
I like to think of love as a fairytale
So maybe that's why I find it to be so elusive
It's like trying to catch a mythical faerie
That flies so high, so far away
She is beautiful, ethereal
Yet so out of reach
Maybe I put the idea of love on a pedestal
But I won't accept
Tarnished love
I can't seem to settle for what I would call
Lackluster love
Love that is devoid of imagination, wonder, whimsy
I want the magic,
I want the deep, earth-shattering connection,
But can I be open to
The shadow?
The darkness of another
The hurt, the pain, the dull quiet ache of their unexpressed wound
That needs my love
To encourage it to the surface
And heal it in the light?

I stepped into the fire
and it burned me,
Nearly incinerated all of me
But I couldn't leave it
I almost liked it

I sat in that black and grey ash
I wallowed in my jaded joy
I felt like a mere toy
In life's game
Endless years of pain
And very little gain

I wiped away my tears
With grimy hands
My heart crashed down to the ground
And hit the cold concrete floor
My heart shattered into a million tiny peices
It had been made of crystal,
It once was so beautiful.
Look what life has done.

"If you can dream it you can do it."

Don't lose your hope,
Because this is what your life depends on now
When you only have these dreams left to your name
The sun is setting
But your inner flame is growing

Just don't lose your hope
It takes time for your dream,
Like a seed
To grow into a full grown tree

Be patient and see
The fruits of your labor
Will be worth it in the end
When you see how many lives you have touched
By your courageous work.

Take me to the thin places
Where I can nearly grasp God,
Step into the ethereal
Swaying with kaleidoscopic celestial beings
like the cool breeze dancing with the branches of the willow trees

I ran out too far on the ice
I found the precipice, the end of the world
Looking down from the solid glacier I stood on, I was so small
I saw darkness,
Only darkness

The ice cracked, the world split in half
Earth's core wailed out
Crying tears of flames
We tried to console her,
The Mother we abandoned, the Mother we abused
We tried to console Her,
But it was too late.
Her sadness consumed us.

Sometimes, humanity still has faint glimmers of vestigial memories
That makes them look up from their hand held devices
For one passing second,
To contemplate if there is more to this life
But no answers are found on their Google searches
And they forget,
Like they always do.

But I remember,
Some of us still do
The way the babbling brook laughs,
The sounds of chattering birds
Hearts being shared with loved ones
Smiles being shared with everyone
There must be substance in this world
Beyond all the vanity
And we are determined to get it back somehow
And in that pursuit,
To gain some semblance of sanity

But as the world wars,
As the girls paint their faces
And the middle aged men buy their fancy cars
As we all pretend
With feigned smiles
With stoic personas
We curate our perfect lives,
For we desire people to like us, to love us
As we actively hate ourselves
Well, I will be seeking those thin places
Where I will be absorbed by the stars
The sky will be closer to the ground
Which my feet will no longer be on
I will be as light as a feather
Being carried by the breeze of the Spirit
In iridescent splendor I'll rest
As this world continues on in it's ubiquitous unrest.

I wanted you to love me,
That's all I ever pined for through these years
But I still cry most times
When I think of the fact that you failed to love me
I'll never understand why you didn't love me
You claimed to,
But it didn't show in your actions.
You were selfish.
As was I.

But that's life, right?
It keeps cracking your heart open
Until you can't close it anymore
It gets to the point where there are no plausible explanations your mind can come up with anylonger
It gets to the point where
Only your heart can comprehend the world with all of it's suffering
Only your heart can try it's best to patch up the world
With the bits of love that flow through you from God

Keeping an open heart is baffling, really
It just doesn't make sense
It's hella painful
Exceptionally brutal
And exquisitely breathtaking, beautifully astounding
There are no words in any language
That can properly express
Genuine love

But let's keep it like that
Let love remain a mystery
In it's confounding splendor
Leave it to be one of those few things
That academics can't pin down precisely
Let love be what it is in it's truest form:
Magical
Like when you really see nature for the first time,
You know?
You see how really gorgeous it all is,
And how intelligent it is
And in that passing moment of awe
It's easy to entertain the idea of God
But you eventually have to walk back to your cubicle
Where your mind is like a safe container
That computes certainty
But love is magical,
Love is uncertain,
It's powerful

I guess what I'm trying to say is that love is transformative,
You know?
And it's humbling
I mean, I'm not talking about Romeo and Juliet,
I'm not referring to RomComs where a man and a woman fall in love within the span of three days,
C'mon,
Can we all admit that is BS?
Love is not magical like the way it is portrayed in fairytales
Love is magical because it is the very essence of life,
The driving force of life
It's what sustains us,
It's what connects us
It's what changes us
Into brave children of God
Formerly we were
Scarred, angry little children
Throwing darts at perceived enemies
But no one is the enemy here,
That's what love reveals
We're all just lost children
Hiding under the shielded guise of our egos
Until, well until
We throw up our hands in surrender
And say with all our heart,
"I can't do this without you God.
Help me."

Hello? Hello? Hello?
Words make less sense
When I'm standing by the door
Emerging through the galaxy
Being birthed
Cramping my way through the
Birth canal
Screaming,
Breathing for the first time,
Breathing for the first time.

Goodbye never felt so sweet
like yellow suns morphing into pink
Man, life is like a beautiful sunset
Or kissing someone you love
During the soft magical creamy light of the dawn

But I know, boy do I know
That sometimes life has those days
Where it seems like all the colors have been drained
From the flowers, from the birds, the grass, the sun
On days when you feel like the blistery night is
Most relatable
When the moon barely shines
When you feel like you tread this world alone
With tears streaming down from your eyes

But those days,
As deep down as they reach
Don't have a long trajectory
It's just, well,
I know that you are really strong
I mean, I know I don't know you
So you're shaking your head right now
And you're like,
"******* ******,
With your inspirational ****"
I mean, I know
Sometimes I overdo the sentimental

But I've been down in the pit too, okay
And some days I am just literally amazed
That I'm still living, breathing, existing
In this flesh body
I just didn't give up
Well, sometimes I didn't give up simply
Because I was too scared to hurt myself
But
I've learned so much,
I've grown so much
I'm different now
And I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not
Or just, well, indifferent
But I am happy to be alive

I guess I'm just more spiritual now
I really liked Taoism when I learned about it
In summer school for ninth grade history
You just go with the flow
And see where life takes you
No journeys,
No destinations
You just lay back
And enjoy
Disconnect from the ratrace
Living from a place of infinite grace.

All things grow with love
Plant the seed,
But it needs love to grow and flourish!

What I want to do?
Well, let me tell you
I want to sing with the bees
Taste the maple dripping down the trees
I want to take a thousand pictures
with old Kodak disposable cameras
And make crazy wild art
I want to write straight from my heart
And sing everyday
I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar
And I want to get better at skateboarding
I want to go whitewater rafting
I want to laugh with friends
I want to travel, oh do I want to travel
This bright wide blue earth

Who do I want to be?
Well, let's see
I want to be kind and gentle
But only when the occasion calls for it
Otherwise
I will be loud but sentimental
Soaking in the vibrancy of life
And loving every moment of it
I want to be the embodiment of love,
but not perfection
I want to be messy, ******* up
and full of foibles
I want to be quirky
and own up to it
I want to be joyful and free
And that's really all there is to me.

reverberating through the beat
every wavelength of sound is a stream
like an iridescent waterfall
with bubbles at the base
i fall with grace
i fall with grace
music erasing the pain
like blue hair dye escaping down the drain
cool down
slow down
put your mind in autodrive
let the music revive you
you haven't yet died
feel your heart beat to the tempo
blood flowing through
your arteries
your eyes roll to the back of your mind
your body shakes
your mind is finally awake.

i held the snow globe
in my little hands
i shook and shook and shook it
the fake snow
spun in all directions

i hold my breathe in accidentally
my shoulders are ******* tense
why am i unconsciously agreeing
to be people's doormats?

but there's a root in me
growing into a tree
and i'm growing stronger you see
today i solemnly proclaim
YOU WILL NOT WALK ALL OVER ME.

multi-colored Tibetan prayer flags
whipping in the wind strung out on the veranda
there are no telephone wires that crisscross the sky
only endless open spaces
that mesmerize my open eyes

when I walk my bare feet step down into
green lusciousness
abuzz with spectacularly designed creatures
that are so scared and yet so curious
they move with trepidation
when I am near
they are concerned for their self-preservation
as am I

when the sun sets
the sky lights up
with millions of diamond lanterns
cast out in space
shining down on me
it breaks something open in me
it makes me want to believe
in something called love
though I've been scarred, and stabbed
and abandoned to die
I still wonder,
in this crazy crazy world
if love has still survived.

It's hidden,
among the thick viridescent vines
It's somewhere just beyond the cumulus clouds
It's tangled within the particles carried in the smoke
exhaled through her pursed rouge lips

It's akin to a polychromatic dragon,
slithering through the boiling concrete like
a rainbow snake

It's a doe, staring at you
Blankly
Absorbing your soul

But you never look into the mirror for too long,
Do you?
Because if you do
You will start falling into yourself
Over and over
through infinite dimensions
Your mind will flip you like a hologram
through cubes rotating
on a conveyor belt
You would lose your body,
momentarily disassociated,
Eternally disconnected

But it's funny you see,
Because I talk in riddles
For you to not quite understand me
The significance is imbued within the images
If you dare contemplate them

It's hidden
Like the soft roll of the sea
tugged gently by the crescent moon
On the sand it's finally quiet,
No more bustling life

Maybe it's hidden
Behind those iridescent sunglasses
Hidden in those concealed eyes,
That concealed heart.

What a strange world I live in
This is our world
But so many people live as if it is only their world

Blue orb speckled with green
Spinning around a gargantuan ball of fire at the center of everything

This strangeness is felt
Like tears on my cheeks
In a world with so many sharp edges
I'm searching for a soft place to land

Society is a socially acceptable form of prison
We're so accustomed to the prison's parameters
That we're blind to them
We work like little faithful working bees
So our kings and queens
Can reap the benefits

If we stay nescient
Then we will never have the option to break free
But some don't care to be free
They find security in the dull drum of certainty
So, I invite you to step away from this madness with me,
But only if you truly want to be free.

Bluebird singing
In the dawn
Perched upon the highest branch
As the pink sun
Kisses the hills

I wish I were you, Bluebird
You're so pretty and free,
Your feathers are painted
Bold blue
The most magnificent hue

If I were a bird,
I would be you
Wouldn't it be nice to be a bird?
Humans tend to complicate life,
Unnecessarily

If I were you
I would soar high
Or sometimes I would just
Fly swiftly through a field of tall grass
I would
Fly right into the sunset every evening
To the point where it would feel like I was spanning the
Entire globe
Then, I would have to let my bird instincts
Lead me back to my home.

I realized
I must have lost
My spark
Along the way.
It's time to rekindle
That spark
That resides in my heart

But how?
With my dreams so far off from me
Right beyond my reach?
But I must be brave
And get up on my feet
And reach over the abyss
Of my longing
To take hold of
And manifest my desires

Adulthood squashes ambitions
Under it's steel toed boot of expectation
It pushed my worn and bruised body down into the dirt
But my spirit didn't die
My mind and heart and body were exhausted
But I still clawed at the soil beneath me
Making a tunnel to my freedom
Through the inky darkness
Barely breathing, every cell of me parched
Clinging onto the very last thread of my life
That beat steadily and quitely
In my heart

I've finally
Emerged
Caked in dirt
This place is unfamiliar,
Foreign
But I like it,
It's new
There aren't many people here
So not very much pressure
There is a lot of vibrant green leaves
Rustling in the crisp air
The sun is bright and yellow
The sky,
Baby blue
I think I could stay here for awhile
Without much to do
I'll curl up next to this rock
And rekindle my dreams
To once again
Light the fire in my heart
That once roared when I was a child
I'll forget the world
Of arbitrary expectations and rules
And drift off into my dreams
While my eyes delightfully scan
The canopy of trees.

Reach out a hand to me

Because I go home,
Sobbing.

I'm surrounded by people
Making small talk
They only see the surface of me
That's all they ever really care to see

My pain makes me write beautiful words
And when I paint it's like I'm dipping my paintbrushes in the very blood that runs through my veins--
A kaleidoscope of color
Runs down my canvas

But all I want to do is purge this pain,
Heal this wound
Even if it is the catalyst to my creation

I'm so tired of feeling lonely
Being an onlooker to people sharing smiles

When people ask me about myself
It just makes me feel like I'm a loser
Why do you ask me what I do?
What I do for work doesn't define me
Instead, ask me what I love

Am I too cynical?
Have my life experiences ****** me
To the fringes of society?
I smile
But my smile is merely an attempt to hide the tempest deep within me
I laugh,
But silently
My soul screams

Reach out your hand to me,
Don't turn away
To ignore my pain
That leaks through the creases of my face
I need someone to help me
But there is no one
And there will never be anyone to rescue me

I reach out my hand
And press my palm to the mirror
I look into my eyes and say:
"I'm here for you."

My heart is aching
My heart is breaking
And I'm on my knees
That are bleeding
On slate rock

I lift my tired body up
From this cliff
I stretch a foot over the abyss
But withdraw

Why do movies
Make love look so easy?
I cry like a spoiled infant,
I am greedy

I want what I want--
No negotiation
But my unmet longings
Will be my demise

I have to loosen my grip,
Open my eyes
Relax my heart
Stop grasping
Start living
And enjoying
Ah,
What relief
I will receive
When I stop trying so hard,
When I release control to God.

Sometimes it's nice to fall
Down slides shooting
Our tired bodies out into space

Do you ever feel the blood drenched words
Of your truth
On your lips?
People furrow their brow
In confused disapproval
As your truth hurtles up your throat
And hits their ears
Like clashing cymbals

You sat there,
On that bench
Listening to my pain voiced
And all you could do
Was look at me
Like a deer in headlights

Do you ever hate it
When people say "Aw"
When you share something deep and
personal with them?
Yeah.

This world is ******,
That's for sure
This is why I keep my eyes on the heavens above.

I'm doing away with my grandiose dreams
And settling for reality

But reality isn't as enticing
As the extravagant creations
My seeking mind constructs

Reality is boring,
But reality is real
It it forces me to feel

In my bubble of creation
Where I feel like I have so much control
I dream of things that cause celebration
But things can turn ugly quickly
When nightmares feel too real
My mind screams out into
The void of unfeeling in my heart
I reach out my hands, searching
Grasping for stability
On a firm foundation
But I feel cast out in infinite space
Floating, without control

Reality can seem
So much more promising
Though it's tedious at times
And seemingly more dull
Compared to my imaginings

Maybe I can arrive somewhere
Right in the middle of
Reality and Imagination
Grounded creativity
Neither too monotonous or
too ungrounded
With both feet on the ground,
An open heart
And a artistic mind
All working for the same purpose
To bring some healing
Into this world.

When I was seventeen
On a summer day
Me and Sarah
Kayaked to the
Gratified brick wall
Across the beach
She had been there
A few days ago with her boyfriend
And I wanted to see it
For myself

A man
Out catching *****
Was a few yards away
We pulled our kayaks
Up onto the beach
And hid them behind some large rocks and trees

We made our way
Up a steep rocky hill
to the abandoned mansion
There was a gated moss covered pool
In front of the entrance
We made our way
Through a smashed window

Inside,
I gasped
The mansion
Was horrifyingly beautiful
Every inch of the opulent interior
Was defaced in graffiti
Names of the local high schools scrawled out across the peeling paint,
Names of young lovers conjoined by a plus sign

There was a colossal chandelier
Hanging in the massive living room
With walls that reached so high
Empty beer cans and glass liquor bottles
Littered the beautiful wood floors

Sarah and I
Opened the door
To the backyard
And were overcome by an unsettling feeling
As we saw trees
In two rows
On either side of a dirt path
our eyes tried to find an end to the path
But they only came upon
Darkness
On the farthest point our eyes could reach

The tress were old and twisted
I had never seen trees like that before,
Or ever again
So mangled
Yet they looked as if they were all pointing
To the dark distance
We heard the mansion give out a load groan
And we ran

We ran into the
A structure that
Looked like a little round open Greek temple
Situated on a cliff
Overlooking the sea
Sarah lit up her Marlboro red

We kayaked back to the beach
Regretting that Sarah yet again
Forgot her camera.

You were the first person
in five years
that made me feel less alone

It felt like
You were the first person
After a long time
Who looked into my eyes
And really understood

But maybe I just have too much
That's repressed,
Boiling beneath the surface
Unresolved trauma--  And I'm at it's behest

Maybe my concealment
Pushed you away
To turn around
and go in a new direction
You're stepping forward
Closer
To a feigned future

But little did you know,
Or ever will know
As you move in the opposite direction of me
I had and still have
A spring of love for you,
Though dwindling
It still flows

Even now,
Though the prospect
of us being more
Than just friends
Doesn't seem to be there
I know you still care
Under every moment our eyes meet
I see the love in your eyes
And it brings me so much peace
I only wish the best for you,
In whatever direction you choose.

your heart is full of lies
you go to your church every Sunday
sing your hymns
and give your tithes
then promptly
complain and gossip after the service

you fail to seek God whom you do not know
and instead bow to your various idols
your life is muddled
you grasp for answers
that are just beyond surrender

I once sought comfort from your company
but my useful habits are only corrupted
the more time I spend at church
I'm seeking the love of Jesus here
but I can't find it in anyone's hearts
no one seems to truly care

some churches preach prosperity,
others brim and firestone
they seek to do good deeds
but with ill intentions
it's merely a choreographed dance,
of rule-following,
of keeping up the appearances
but look beyond the facade and into their hearts
and you will be saddened and surprised
here you are the outsider
in a church founded on lies

and all you really wanted
was to be lovingly embraced
by a Jesus following community
but all you found at church
was religious futility.

I have a tendency to
rely on magical thinking
To transcend
harsh realities

I must admit
I dream too much

I dream of spectacular wildflowers,
and loving with my whole heart
I dream of dancing on a full moon,
and embracing the unknown

I dream of both the impossible and
the possible
But to pursue the possible,
I would have to abandon my comfort zone

I am convinced
That if I were to live with integrity
And follow God's call
I would heal
And produce the fruits of God's Spirit

That will require
Turning away from distractions and sin,
To turn toward
A renewed life
Being reborn
And transformed
Into a new person

The question is:
Am I willing
To let go of this identity of mine
That I hold onto so tightly
But will be my demise?
Will I let go
To open myself up to
The reform God has for me?
Am I willing to trust?
Am I willing to let go and
Hand my life entirely over to God?

some days are like rain,
   they make your body ache

you feel the pain
   rise through you

you close your eyes
   you remember

open your eyes
   you swiftly forget

it's easier to stuff it all down
   right?

that dull ache in your wrist
   is a forecast of rain

you think, oneday
   you will rise to the day

like the phoenix
   emerging

but a storm rushes in
   and rains on your parade

you open your mouth to speak
   no one understands you, anyway

all you can think of is hiding,
   it's all you can dream of

you ask: this is life?
   you're bewildered

you try not to think,
   because when you think you remember

all those lukewarm friends
   everyone who left

some days are like rain
   they are silent and still

the disassociation takes over
   the emptiness seeps in

the rain gets into your hollow house
   of vain imaginations

i pray that this rain might
   serve as some sort of healing elixir

for my bones need fixing,
   my heart needs healing.

While I was sleeping
I dreamed of you-- heartache
Of trains going nowhere-- aimlessness
Of my sister-- safety
While I was sleeping
The birds awoke
And sung their lively tune
But when I wake up
I'm never truly awake
I'm always tired, half-awake
Daydreaming of better days.

It's melancholy, you know
Crying until dawn
Your mind seeks for answers
Everything is just wrong,
But your heart whispers hold on

I'm tired, you know
Of keeping up this act
Of smiling when I want to cry
Of being everyone's heroine
But when it's my turn to fall apart
All those I have rescued
Are nowhere to be found

My heart
Is becoming
Like a forest
Dense and thick with pines
The deeper I go
The more lost I become

I scream HELP ME
But I'm in a dream
And no one can hear me
No one can see me.

My mind is finally clearing
Like rays of sunlight
Breaking through heavy storm clouds
And something rose up in my Spirit,
It said:
"Everything will be alright"
I had a vision of myself
Smiling from cheek to cheek
And I just knew,
Everything would be more than okay
Because today, something has changed
And now I am happy.

We were meant to be shooting stars
Hurtling through space
We were created for big things,
For grand purposes,
And to share love

But age has a way
Of turning our hopeful hearts
Into cold and calculating cynics
With so many walls up,
We make it so hard
for people to love us

We protect our hearts
With a maze of thorny vines
And then we cry
Wondering why
Nobody truly loves
the soft and delicate infant
Hiding behind our eyes

You've got to go out on a limb,
Find the last bits of courage in your soul
And with that courage
You need to be fiercely authentic
On purpose
Within every moment

You must love so much
That you become love
Love yourself,
Love others,
And love God
Trade in your walls for boundaries
Don't allow people
Who don't know how to love
Hurt you

This process will take more time than you
Understand now
But just think of it like this:
You can't rush a pregnancy,
You can't rush a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly,
You can't rush an acorn to grow into an oak tree
You have to wait
For your soul to grow
Give it what it most needs through
This period of gestation,
The nutrients of the Soul:
Love,
Understanding,
Hope,
Joy,
Peace,
And whatever else
Your Soul calls for

Then one day,
You'll be walking down a busy sidewalk
And you'll catch a glimpse of yourself
In a storefront window
You'll do a double take
And notice that you couldn't recognize yourself
Initially because
Your face is softer now,
Kinder,
Happy

This journey
Of becoming
Who you were meant to be
Will continue on
For your entire lifetime
It's really more like
You are re-becoming
The person you were born into this world as:
Innocent, pure, and loving

God has a blueprint for each of our lives
But what happens to most of us
Is that this world
Causes us to become disconnected
To ourselves
And we lose ourselves
In trivial pursuits and ego desires
But you can find your way back home
To your heart
And rediscover
Who you were truly meant to be.

Some people wake up every morning
Fill their mug with strong black coffee
And commute to work
At work they slave away for the dollar
That never seems to truly satisfy
The hungry greed growing within them

They once were children
Who said they would be
firemen,
teachers,
artists,
pirates,
astronauts,
authors,
innova­tors and world-changers
When they grew up

On Fridays after work
Sometimes these people
Go out for a drink
After a few beers
One of them opens up to the fellow
coworker they are sitting next to:
"Oh," they'd say
"I have dreams of sailing away
I can't wait for the day
That I am able to break free from
the monotony and mediocrity
and pursue my purpose,
and my dreams"

"What noble ambitions you have"
The fellow coworker will respond
"But what are your plans to make this so?"

The dreamer will answer
"I don't know
All I do know is
That most people
Stay stuck in conformity
And then there are some who
follow their dreams."

Within the moment
Of a shared smile:
Squinched eyes
A heart connection

In that moment
I see
Everything I need to know.

I'll speak in my mother tongue
And embrace
the slang of my Brooklyn roots

I won't try to change
My colloquial way of speech
I don't have anything to prove
With the words I choose to use

Because I'll speak my message plain as day,
I'll spit my rhymes
Like straightforward
Old school rappers
I don't need to sugarcoat my words
I don't need to overcomplicate things
With my messages

I'll take pride in my mother tongue
I won't pretend to be something I'm not
I'm just a girl from Brooklyn
Who has a lot to express.

My eyes are upon the heavens
My heart longs for home
I've been reaching for understanding
But plummeting down into uncertainty

My mind is a spiral
My heart a vagabond
My mind is full with morning fog
My heart is full of endless stars

Lord, awaken me
Take me, all of me
As thy instrument
Give me a purpose
Beyond all of this useless striving

Gently nudge me back to life
I've known grief, but I no longer want that
to be the main theme of my life story
I'll trade the sad stories in
For days of endless joy and meaning
Lord, give me what I am needing

I've said goodbye to troublesome vices,
I'm trying to rid my life
Of everything that gets in the way of your Love
I'm nearly empty
Of all of this self sabotage
So take me God,
And show me how much you love me.