My life had got colder, seeping itself into numbness.
Coping wasn't possible or needed
because if I just slept or drank or took some sort of drug
I was okay
I thought we were both going to get stronger.
And a huge part of me bets I wasn't missed
when we pretended the other didn't exist.
I don't exist.
I wanted to feel something and at the same time
I was grateful that I couldn't.
  I couldn't stand to be here
wishing you'd make another account to talk to me
seeing if you'd just try a little harder
to keep me
or to get me back
but you told me that if we argued and I left the room
You'd just let me go.
I should have kept that in mind then
you said you loved me
And I wonder what love means
I always assumed it meant the will of risking all for one another
without the need to
I lost it and threw myself
to the ground
for the tears to pour
or at least trickle
and I couldn't even make the expression.
I left because of my own attitude mixing with yours
and I was too clingy.
Codependency is a ***** I think.
Not fair like Karma.
I left because I couldn't take the feeling of not being loved
I was so used to you loving me completely
I left because I didn't think you cared
and after Justin, I thought I knew better.
Even if I didn't show it
it killed me
and it's still killing me inside and out.
Istillloveyou.
Just know I'd still take you back
I just can't stop writing
without mentioning you.
but since it's poetry, I can do whatever I want
so I'm weaving you into every word
every space
every sound and meaning
Sydney Sydney Sydney

State Of Affairs

Pandemic still isn’t over,
starting to think it might never end,
searching for a 4 leaf clover,
so I can get some better luck or at least pretend,

but I can’t complain my life is great,
I’ve got everything I ever wanted,
bought it all without getting the cops involved,
got it so good I don’t even need to flaunt it,

honest,
as honest as a lost comet can be in all this,
I thought,
we’d finally be free but I guess it’s a process,

it’s 2021,
Year Of The Machines,
seems we're finally one They finally won,
& we didn’t even put up a fight or flee,

Covid gets headlines,
while unnoticed goes cancer & heart disease,
which I could explain it better,
but I guess I’ll leave that to the machines,

every call & text monitored,
every movement tracked,
how many more shots before we’re all shot,
how long until we get our freedom back,

spending more time online than with real friends,
touching our phones more than we touch others,
no one even sees each other’s friendly faces anymore,
can’t even find a friend out there let alone a lover,

as the satellites hover,
AI is in orbit but we just ignore it,
& I know we’re in a game for our humanity,
but I don’t even know what the score is,

pandemic still isn’t over,
starting to think it might never end,
searching for a 4 leaf clover,
so I can get some better luck or at least pretend…

A Lux
Aug 27th, 2021
Colombia

#istillloveyou

My life just got colder, thought we was to get stronger. But I bet I'm not missed, Now you pretend I don't exist. I may just move away. I could not be here hoping for something that don't love me at all. you said you love me but not as deep as before. I lost it and threw myself and the ground for the tears to poor. I hear that you left because of my attitude and i was to clingy. Fine I admit to attitude but the other really? Thanks for killing me inside and out. Istillloveyou girl. Just know I'd still take you back and so. I just can't stop writing with out mentioning you. but since its poetry i just may free write it all away.