Two knocks at my door,* I get up to answer-a shadow in the darkness,
A voice asks if they can come in, I don't even recognize them,
I left the door open a little too much last time, I learned not to do that.
Why, you ask? Because I was all alone and on my own then.

I walk towards the door, the voice sounds blurry, kind of faint-
As if dizzyness and despair seems in the air, I clutch the door,
Ready to open it and then without warning "something" comes
To life, I can't seem to see as "it" moves around on the floor!

Then I finally turn on the light, IT'S MY CLOTHING?
I shake it until the bag is still, it's alive somehow what do I do?
I check for the cause, I'm in the cabin loft, I can hear childish laughing-
Chanting again and again-"WELCOME TO THE BEDROOM!"
My head is reeling, I'm wide awake-is this really happening...?

"At last!" he cried
"You have arrived!"
"I thought you'd never come"
his smile belied the turmoil inside
deeper than  can be described

The journey began
with a half drunken plan
boasted and rejoiced
the fact that they said
we were out of our head
gave credence that indeed we were right

We stayed up for days
studying adventurous ways
to bend the physics of time
a place to begin and a place to win
Oh! destinations divine

We studied old tomes  
divined lizard bones
yet certainty did evade
we  struck out on our own
a cold dusty road
a bleak foreboding feeling

We were walking along
when the object crashed down
a short distance away
we scrambled to see
what could possibly be
lying there in the field

A machine of strange purpose
it turned out to be
but what we just could not say
the occupant  was tossed
and his life was lost
out on that cold barren plain

We looked in the hatch
of this very strange catch
surveying a very strange scene
and there on the wall
strangest of all
was a panel displaying this date

With a whoop and a roar
we toasted each other
it was just what we needed to find
a machine that could bend
space and time on their end
Yes, I was going to ride

I strapped myself in  
and started twisting the dials
not knowing what I was doing
it started to hum
I looked at my chum
my grin I was unable to hide

I reached for the dial
and gave it a swift turn
not caring the destined date
the vibration did rise
blurring my eye's
shaking my very senses

A flash and a bang
and at once it all came
to a lurching  halting stop
the vision out side
brought fear to my pride
quickly I switched back the date

Vibrations and dizzyness
I sensed once again
as through the veil I passed
to land me back here
white haired from the fear
of a future so distant  from here

I leapt from it
that infernal machine
and bade no one go near
it must be destroyed
oh how I cried
smashing it with my bare hands

You asked what I seen
in that futuristic  scene
that could blanch the life from my eyes
the horror revealed
would make a man squeal
a tear rolled down my cheek

A desolate plain
was all that remained
of a civilization that we had attained
but greed and deceit
routed us in defeat
destroying our very souls

I'll take a step back
and try a new tack
from this day going forth
to lead by example
and not be trampled
standing for what is right.

As I awake
in the dizzyness
of my awaking brain
all that remains
is your curves
that you let me view
just things you do.

I wake up.
Tear stained pillow,
Blankets thrown everywhere.

I have to get up.
It takes so much energy,
to push my body onto the paper covered floor.

I don't want to get up.
Wrapping myself in what's left of the blankets,
wincing at the pain felt as my body moves.

I lay there.
Mind whirls already of things that must be accomplished.
Can't I have just a moment of peace?

I get up.
My body aches as I step over the forgotten homework and ***** laundry,
Dizzyness and Lightheadedness cause me to stumble my way to my closet.

I walk.
Putting on clothes to cover the night before,
and starring at the unrecognizable figure before me in the mirror.

I get ready.
Making food that I'm never hungry for anyways,
and forcing my eyes to stay open.

I leave.
To go to a place I am scared to be in,
but sometimes is better than the place I left.

Dear God
I know we haven't talked alot lately
Now I'm talking to you in public
I am praying to you to help me
Help me hold my head together
Help me not feel so freaking alone
Help me please to hold down a job
A relationship
A life.
Good I am a sinner.
I have chased cheap thrills
I have not realised gifts you have given me till they are wrecked
Please God, if I could just lie in a loving man's arms my world would be completed. You know the man I need.
Help me survive this please God
Help me please
I ache
I weep
I urn
I would rather spend my life trying to be perfect for him than have this dizzyness of freedom u have even me
With no one .
Except snakes.
I wish someone would speak to me and say this prayer is being heard
Cause right now I feel like a empty pill bottle. Would better the situation please God I won't be stupid. But would u send me a sign?

Anxiety is the dizzyness
of freedom
and is what I thought
Kierkegaard said
It appears there are many
who would rather no choice
than uncertainty
squirm in their heads