I can't even remember how to be who I was before the pandemic
I miss that girl that was confident-ish
that was hopeful
that looked positively upon the world
that loved adventure and sunshine

I miss her laugh
her smile
I miss her eyes that used to sparkle not with tears but with joy
she was just starting to leave her chrysalis
she was just learning to use her wings
her wings along with her freedom were claimed
all she loved stolen by what felt like a deadly gust of wind

Now I've just built up the strength to regather those scattered pieces of myself
but I don't think I'll ever be that me again

I have a crush on death
And it's growing every day

                 I grab the bottle

Maybe its time to slip away
Into the darkness
Let the pain swallow me up

                 I take off the top

My thoughts would slow and
Soften to a hum

                 I reach for the rope

My eyes would close for the last time
I never have to see myself again

                  I tie the noose

How wonderful it would be
To never have another thought
To never hear my voice again
To finally make it stop

                  I revise my note
  . .
   . .
    . .

But
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude reality

                  I put the bottle away
                  I untie the rope
                  I place the note with the others

        Take a deep breath and
        Keep these moments to myself