Good for me

I go to work
I look after myself

I try to be kind and
I fake being okay

Good for me
That’s all I’m going to say

Cold water running down the throat
Into an abyss of self-indulging emptiness
Tomorrow there will be mountains
Full stomachs leave less room in the chest

With all the changes in altitudes  
The body is questions consistency
I just want to float on sea level

At sea level you go in with the tide, transition to land with ease
and collect sea shells or glass
Without desire of being empty

When the last breath is exhaled
The feelings of love now failed
Leaves only a sadness for a while
That is masked with a half smile

Overwhelming emptiness is there
but the lack of touch is worse to compare
as the feelings of sadness are translated
Into anger that is never faded
An anger of which I cannot shake
Like a sickness it cannot be faked

I go on though, trying to be done with my broken duet
Always wondering what will it take to forget
And this guilt ridden pain I try not to notice
Appears most when not all feels hopeless

The gears of a clock
Powered by battery
We are forced to keep going

Living systematically without regards
It will continue to click
The sound reminds me of the time we have left

But when my battery runs out all is silent
And I am abandoned with my thoughts
So I reflect in the unsuspected silence

Here we are forced to live on a wall relentlesslly in this beautiful world of suffering.

He smells like home and sweat
And always makes me fret
About nothing and everything all at once

He loves thoughtfully while patient and calm
Agreeing that I’m never wrong
He is everything all at once

Reading for hours not giving my mind a minute to rest

If it does, resting will soon morph into flashbacks and racing thoughts of inadequacy

I wish it was easier
But it’s not. I have to drag myself to a stumble into the future

Just wish I could know if the suffering will end

The sunsets are unsaturated,
landscapes lack detail
and my portraits are missing teeth and eyelashes

as a rule, all my art is unfinished
due to the fear of a final product
that is just going to break me

canvas after canvas I collect
overwhelming amounts unfinished work
there's too much disappointment in a finished piece

it's dangerous way to live life
giving up to protect myself
nothing will be as beautiful as what my mind can make up

this is a repeating influence in my life
and satisfaction may never come,
But I am trying to see the beauty in imperfections

So this is a first draft of a poem

Raising the blinds
A warm cast of sun hits her face and body
She started the day feeling confined

Now listening to country music
Driving through dirt roads
She’s surprised as she feels euphoric

A lonely haven  
In bed, her legs astroon and face numb
hot tears drags across her cheek
And no one can see

She functions in a concrete box
Graffiteied with smiles and nice sentiments on the outside
Only to be relieved by a lonely haven

But rainfall breaks the silence  
Every sound slices her eardrum
Each trickle more agitating than the last
Hoping sleep will be a remedy  

There is no where else to go
Even nature wants her out of her lonely haven

I hope karma’s fake

I’ll confuse the universe

All this guilt I feel

Her long black curled hair
Shoulder blades and collar bones
Naked under a strategically placed towel
Candles and stripper heels.  

Seductive poses, he’s thinking about ******* her. Wanting her. He yearns for more. Wondering how this small frame feels.

My heart sank, dread filled my body
I expected to see fields and melting snow in that camera. Blinded while deleting all photo’s of you and I.

I didn’t deserve this, now I’m left with insecurities, anger and grief.
While you are just left with your lies and “erotica”

I thought our love was a lighter
But it was a match in disguise
And when it burnt out
Much more than fingertips
Were burned

She is numb and foggy
every tremor and twitch is a protest
trying to stay still in order to stop feeling
insomnia, she stares at a wall
thinking she doesn't deserve to dream

Now she is punished by day dreams
filling the gaps in her mind
visuals of isolate rooms and dry valleys
she shuts her eyes as guilt fills her chest

Shuddering, she shakes her head
thinking its foolish to feel this way
when freed she moves with grace
and drifts to dreamland with caution
knowing again she will be paralyzed

I didn’t think I needed this anymore
We spent our time laughing teasing and loving  

My hand and heart didn’t need a pen
But here I am

A firm hand gently rests my shoulder I close my eyes in comfort

Relaxation fills my chest as I exhale.

Stop. His hand once did that

A look is shared, indicating mutual content and security

Stop. He once made me feel that.

His voice and charm made me feel so valued and precious.

Stop. He once tricked me too.  

Sometimes it’s okay not to trust whole heartedly. Anyone can be capable of providing comfort.

Despite loosing my heart
My chest feels heavy
I drag this burden around
as I search, in hopes to find a beat

I  listen for it in bars
And try to feel it in others  
always faking it as I go along  
Im fearful they see that my smile is an old souvenir
or find out my laughter are fireworks,
but during the day

I’m hopeful waiting for that heartbeat
,but there’s only an echo or murmur
it rumbles as hope turns to dread
While a shallow numbness fills the spaces

My chest feels heavy, who knew an absence could weigh so much.

Lying is easy
For some it comes like an exhale
The lie moves flawlessly and without effort
Flowing from throat to lips like a wave

For others lying can feel like daggers
Each slur silently attacking the listener
While guilt subtly washes over the liars face  

I hold my breath while reading him for guilt
Holding onto the thought that I am overthinking
While wishing I’m just living in the past trauma
He tries to take me in his embrace

he is looking for satisfaction somewhere else
it’s hard not to blame myself
But good people do not lie
Even if it comes as easy as a wave

Leaving
He grasps for what’s left of me
Bobbi pins borrowed sweaters

Desperation hits as he offers commitment
In fear I will accept

While I am forced to leave him behind
Everyone else just feels like a dull cast
Shadow

I wish I could raise the blinds

I’d open them and allow every inch of my skin to feel the sun.
I foolishly think this is what will make me happy

I am punished with a dull cast of sunshine
The pain I’ve been through won’t let me get sun burnt  

Tying my hands together as I continue  to smile and nod

a touch on the skin after being apart  
The veins are the strings of a violin
Music echoing to the heart

A house with wrap around deck
Acoustic music softly plays as a smell of
Fresh rain and cedar fill the room
Content and certainty as he hugs from behind

Without you that’s just a foolish dream now
Why did I let you have this power over me

***** laundry, takeout meals, alcohol  
This cyclic routine is starting to feel like nothingness
I won’t allow a vision of the future  as it won’t include you

Perpetually living in the last second

Whoops, I have Internalized all the overthinking

The racing thoughts played on repeat daily
progresses into a fictional narrative
Further pushing doubt and insecurity

So easily hopelessness can turn into excitement and vice versa
when reflecting some may realize it’s not rational
But still, I’m convinced of my worst fears