Reading for hours not giving my mind a minute to rest
If it does, resting will soon morph into flashbacks and racing thoughts of inadequacy
I wish it was easier
But it’s not. I have to drag myself to a stumble into the future
Just wish I could know if the suffering will end
A firm hand gently rests my shoulder I close my eyes in comfort
Relaxation fills my chest as I exhale.
Stop. His hand once did that
A look is shared, indicating mutual content and security
Stop. He once made me feel that.
His voice and charm made me feel so valued and precious.
Stop. He once tricked me too.
Sometimes it’s okay not to trust whole heartedly. Anyone can be capable of providing comfort.
I wish I could raise the blinds
I’d open them and allow every inch of my skin to feel the sun.
I foolishly think this is what will make me happy
I am punished with a dull cast of sunshine
The pain I’ve been through won’t let me get sun burnt
Tying my hands together as I continue to smile and nod
Whoops, I have Internalized all the overthinking
The racing thoughts played on repeat daily
progresses into a fictional narrative
Further pushing doubt and insecurity
So easily hopelessness can turn into excitement and vice versa
when reflecting some may realize it’s not rational
But still, I’m convinced of my worst fears
I thought our love was a lighter
But it was a match in disguise
And when it burnt out
Much more than fingertips
a touch on the skin after being apart
The veins are the strings of a violin
Music echoing to the heart
Cold water running down the throat
Into an abyss of self-indulging emptiness
Tomorrow there will be mountains
Full stomachs leave less room in the chest
With all the changes in altitudes
The body is questions consistency
I just want to float on sea level
At sea level you go in with the tide, transition to land with ease
and collect sea shells or glass
Without desire of being empty