The train rumbles beneath me
As it speeds me through foreign lands,
All blue skies, clean fields, and perfect scenery.

It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen,
But my eyes are drawn in by something else--
The reflection in my window.

I try to look passed it,
To ignore it and forget it’s there.
But the pale eyes in the reflection steal away my attention.

I see the hollowness of my cheeks,
The paleness of my aged and wrinkled skin,
And the unhappiness settled into my ever-dulling eyes.

After only a few seconds,
I can see the cracks in my life
Showing themselves through my appearance.

And I can’t help but wonder,
As I look at everyone on this train ride,
If they can see it breaking through, too...

The not-so-little-girl
Sits in the corner
Of her princess themed room,
Curled into a ball
As her swollen eyes
Take in the mess of her room
And the mess of her life.

Her eyes,
Too exhausted of tears,
Peer at how it all changed
When so little
Has seemed to change.

Her parent’s mouths
Used to be for fairy-tales and lullabies,
For goodnight kisses and happy smiles.

Now,
They’re used for harsh words,
For lies and abuse.

Her mind
Used to be for daydreams
And playing hide-&-seek with imaginary friends.

Now,
It’s used for cynicism and overthinking,
For self-hatred and self-harming thoughts.

As the aging girl sits in her room,
Curled into that tight ball
Of fear, sorrow, tears, and self-inflicted pain,
She thinks of how it all changed.
She thinks of how she wants her old life back,
How she wants to love her room again,
How she wants to love her life again.

But her not-so-innocent-mind
Refuses to let her believe in silly dreams.
So instead, she gathers up her heavy soul
From the corner of that room
And releases it from the pain-filled world.

I should have known.

I should have known
That your “I’m alright”
Spoken from your hospital bed
Wasn’t the truth.

I should have known
That your weakness
While hugging me and talking
Wasn’t from being tired.

I should have known
That my Pastor’s words,
“Becky isn’t doing well,”
Were the easiest way of putting it.

I should have known,
I should have felt it,
Felt it breaking my heart and soul
In the most painful way.

But I was naive,
I let myself play blind,
I should have known,
Yet I still hold the regret heavy on my mind.

It’s easy to forget
When the rush hits you
And spreads throughout you.

It’s easy to forget
When it never really mattered,
When it was all just a game to begin with.

It’s easy to forget
When you’re running away
And never truly face your problems.

It’s easy to forget
Until you come off the high,
Realize your faults,
And fail to run away.

You may think you can
Get high
Act like you don’t care
Or run away

But one day,
All those “easy to forgets”
Become regrets.
All those temporary fixes
Become permanent scars in your past.

Submerged in freezing waves
Of foam and bubble.
The iciness brushes over my skin,
Raising goosebumps.

Being underwater
Is like being in a new world.
The feel of bubbles teasing my skin
And the weightlessness of my body.

The beautiful array of my hair
Fanning out in every direction.
It would be so alluring
If the water weren’t pouring into my lungs.

I am the phantom
That walks through the halls
Of your sad, empty mind.

I am the spirit
That reminds you, endlessly,
Of the reality you left behind.

I am the ghost*
That keeps you awake and afraid
Of facing another pitiful day.

No matter how much I deny,
I am still madly in love
With the one who tore me up,
Yet fixed me at the same time.