Look at you.
So forced, so empty.
Look at you.
You keep snarling, "Why you? Why didn't he love me?"

Look at you.
Viciously pulling at marionette strings
That were cut so long ago with so many other things.
Look at you.
Stabbing picture frames.
Look at you.
Cursing my ****** name.

Look at me.
Eyes burning black as tar.
Look at me.
More deadly and more beautiful than a dying star.

Look at me.
Writing word after word, as though words could change anything.
As though I could ever change anything.
Look at me.
Covered in blood, covered in ash.
Look at me.
And you thought you could hurt me with some broken glass.

i remember once i asked a friend
if they knew anybody that would punch someone
if they were asked to
i wanted someone to punch me
i still do
as hard as they possibly can
make me bleed
make me hurt
make me bruise
break my bones if you have to
i never knew why
until now
i need to feel something
i  need to feel alive

there is an empty stretch
of highway
somewhere deep in my bones
cracked tarmac and faded center line

dandelions blooming up out
of the divots of
my sleepless nights
and it is beautiful

and sometimes lonely
like being 7 years old
and knowing i like girls
but also that i am not a girl
and not having the words
to bring that part of me to life

and the first time i kissed a girl
flowers exploded out of
every chip in my armor
making me feel like i could
build a home in my own body
for the first time in 5 years

but everything burns eventually
and flower stems become matches
way too easily
and a hollowness beyond dissociation
something i couldn’t dig out
no matter how hard i tried

and the first boy i liked
i couldn’t tell if i wanted
to kiss him or be him
but both sounded pretty nice

and after the right man to
make me stop being a lesbian
turned out to be myself
the first boy i kissed was on accident
but i wanted to kiss him again
and that stretch of highway seemed less lonely
and more like it would accommodate two
people holding hands
walking side by side

i guess you still want me
you waited for me like you always do
i was afraid that after i told you what i felt, you would leave
but you waited
and you held open your arms
and welcomed me back in
and i layed my head on your shoulder and just stayed there
and i held you tight
yes, you hurt me
but that doesn't mean i don't love you
i love you with everything in me
i love you more than humanly possible
i couldn't see it
this blanket of fatigue has been wrapped around me
and it's not ready to go away
i made a mistake
i thought i didn't love you
i thought i was done
because i can't feel anything right now in my life
but after it kicked in
that you may leave
my heart broke into pieces
and i could feel again
just for that moment
tears filled my eyes
i was upset
that i might have ruined yet another thing
i walked down the hallway
using all the strength i had not to cry
and i think that's why i've been so tired
there's too many moments
where i cannot feel a thing
i cannot feel what i'm supposed to feel
and trying to understand that is so tiring
but you're still here
and i told you i was tired
and you told me you would carry me if i wanted
you still care
you still want me
i just hope i didn't ruin this
and don't even know it

The sun shines bright
And so does the moon.

But the sun hides behind the moon,
And helps in shining light on the dark

They work together,
To keep us in light

To never let us experience darkness.
Because they know,

They've seen things,
Felt things.

But whatever it is that they saw,
They do not wish for us to experience it.

Because they think we deserve light,
And not the dead dark.

I'm not depressed
I'm just sad
I'm not drowning
I'm falling so slowly
walls around me crumbling
I'm fine
I don't cry
I'm not questioning my reality
I will not scream
losing faith in me
hands shaking
retracing my steps
clouds walking west
most people never understand
my girlfriends don't understand
he won't understand

a bird
a tree
a cloud
a feeling

the moments of
reckless behavior
when no one
is watching me

I want to stay here
in the corner of my mind
it's always sunny
with slow breathing

I'm sorry
I've done it again.

They forced me to,
The voices in my head

Telling me I'm not enough
Worthless and a burden

No one's going to love me
And there isn't any point in trying.

They told me to
Go back to my blade

And seek comfort in the pain.
And that's what I did.

As I held my blade in my hand,
I felt the beautiful feeling of home.

Old memories fogged my mind,
The beauty of carving my skin and the pain that followed

It's an addiction
And also a hard one to get over.

How am I supposed to trust others, When I can't even trust myself?