I wish that I could talk to you in your dreams
Speak to you from your pillow
Whisper so closely in your ear.
Time separates our conversation,
Words stretched out over oceans
My heart beat feels so close to you while our bodies are so far apart
When you wake,
I will wake
My fantasy can breathe again
Words will roll off this tongue
Travel time to find you  
Maybe one day we will exist in the same minute, same moment
Skin on illustrated skin
with no distance between us
My soft lips will savour the sweet taste of you
While my eyes drink in the reality of you

This is the kind of lonely night that sparks my anxiety.
The kind of night that makes me miss him even more, because I'm not sure if I have my friends either.
The kind of night where the lack of bond my family shares feels more pronounced. No one talks to each other, nor spends time with one another.
The kind of night where I feel like a fraud among the love of cousins and relatives.
The kind of night where my materialistic goals and personal ambitions make me even lonelier.
As if they highlight the lack of love.
As if personal achievements are going to cuddle and make love to me.
As if beautiful things are going to cradle my heart and tingle my being.
The kind of night where I realize the void I try to fill.
Tonight is one of those nights.

How can I practice resilience when resilience reminds me of you?

You took my innocence, and I don't know how to feel about that.
Not the innocence of my body,
But the innocence of my heart.
A heart that had never heard such words of love,
Such words of praise,
Such words of flatter
From a man of great success,
A man ahead of my years,
A man whose tongue rippled with words of romance firing up my soul,
Rippled with words of wisdom,
So that I fell in love with his brain,
So that I mentally opened my legs
For his love,
his child,
his being.

Concealed depression is
Buying water proof mascara
So you won't have to reapply makeup
after each daily breakdown.

Concealed depression is
Laughing at everything
so they won't question
why your eyes always water.

Concealed depression is
staying up until 4 a.m
because it's the only time
you can ignore the world
and no one will notice.

...Or concealed depression is
taking three melatonins
in hopes you'll sleep deep
enough to keep the terrors at bay.

Concealed depression is
Staying consistently busy
So your mind will be too exhausted
at the end of the day to fight you.

Concealed depression is
the impatient selfish monster
that burns bridges as you cross them.

Concealed depression is
feeding yourself lies like
"I'm fine" or "I won't cry".

Concealed depression is
the uphill battle that you don't get to win once;
it's a mountain you're forced to climb every single day.

Concealed depression is
silently screaming, hoping someone
will have super sonic hearing,
swoop in like a bat,
and carry you under their wings.

Concealed depression is
never hugging too tightly
or meeting a gaze too intensely
in case your guts may slip
out before you can catch them.

So when they accuse you of changing,
when they accuse you of rage and indifference,
of violence and apathy,
when they ask why you never called,
when they ask why you never told them,
all you can say is that concealed depression
is like an overbooked hotel and there's only room for one.
All you can say is that you were afraid
Your darkness would drown them too
and then there would be no one left to save you.