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rockywhoreor Sep 2014
There is no better ******* feeling than having someone forget you exist. Having someone miss your calls and ignore your texts. They turn away when you walk by. They hear you calling but look around for an escape. They forget your ******* birthday. They channel all their love for you into someone else. A stranger. You've been there for them even when they were a ***** and had no other friends. When they wanted to end their life and had no one else to talk to. When they barged into your door crying almost every night. And a ******* stranger comes into the play and I feel you slowly slipping away. You love them more. I know. Do you love me at all. If not then say so. Please. I can't take this passive agressive behavior. It's swallowing me whole.  Stop pretending to know me, you don't know ****. You don't know that im a jealous ***** and I'm not happy for you. I want you to leave them. But you seem so content. So much more hopeful than you ever were with me by your side. I hate hate hate watching you two. It hurts. There's a heaving in my chest. I'm just done. Go be happy.
rockywhoreor Aug 2014
Our heart strings are fraying

and I'm hanging on

by a thread

my dear.
she’s got the Oxycontin blues and an appetite for Ritalin
a body made for fixation
Wellbutrin XL 300 MG to cope with hallucinatory voices
little lonely, melancholy mollie keeps her gloominess away through raw physical exertion
Prozac to highlight her manic side
she lacks emotional stability
****** to walk her off the end
2 ***** bottles and some ******
rockywhoreor Aug 2014
I am a mess. I am a ticking bomb. I am an empty broken bottle of ***** on my kitchen floor, a collection of dying stars ready to explode. I am a wallflower, an insecure bundle of fear, a shy girl who rarely talks about her feelings. I am a grey induvidual with strands of orchid ribbons frayed at the tips. A moderately pale lanky teenager whose friends are few. I am my past. A quiet girl who refused to eat, who carried razors and trinkets in her pockets, who rarely spoke but broke down and weeped constantly, who was afraid to speak out, for fear no one would listen. I am my present. A young woman who is lost in every direction, who strives to be perfect but won't actually achieve anything, who is only somewhat antisocial, who is deeply afraid to love someone, for fear they'll break her heart. I am my future. A loveless woman who has a decent career in fine arts, who goes home to her empty, stuffy apartment and nostalgically looks back at her teenage years while sitting in front of a bright screen, who secretly wakes up early on weekends to drive to her support group but gets pulled over for the ***** in her hands. I am a potential alcoholic, a misunderstood whiny teenager, an overdosed blackout, a late night trigger. I am the queen of insecurity, who sits on a throne of judgement. I am an array of colors bursting at the seams ready to bleed on the ones they loved. I am a listener who wants to comfort others but can't quite grasp the idea. I am a pair of torn lungs clogged with dafodil petals, sticky black tar, and what ifs. I am a girl crying out for mercy but my throat has been surgically removed and is replaced with quiet bruises. I. Am. A. Mess.
and I always will be.
rockywhoreor Aug 2014
People always tell you to
get over it
but only until you experience it
do you you realize
it's not that simple.
  Aug 2014 rockywhoreor
ab
Let's talk about our lives, our wonderful wonderful lives. The lives we think about day to day because we live them so carelessly in the sense of our own well-being. We care about us and only us. Us in the sense that we are only ourselves, no one else we pretend to be. Only this happens so often, where ignorant people unaware of themselves pretend to be someone else. Someone else they think they truly are but in fact are not. The thoughts in my head are real, but am I in fact real? A true persona of myself? A young woman in black, white, teal, gray? Who are we really? Question, question, question, question? I have brunette hair of rolling waves and eyes that are blue and pale like a cloudy sky and skin as pale as marble and snow and lips cracked and pale as well, like dried up carnation petals. I am a young woman, or girl, or young lady. I know what I am. I am a mentally unstable entity, a ******* edge of a chasm of the mind. The tiny demons, crawling black and quiet and fast. "Did you see that?" I'd ask and all replies say, "No." Am I losing my mind? A truly mind barreling, thought projecting spiral of my own demons appearing on my suburbia street. Act happy, say hello, smile. Routine, routine, routine, routine. Don't you see? We're all in hell. Am I the only one who knows it? I've turned, a young innocent girl, to a black on black wearing delinquent of a routine, cliche, conservative era. I am different, whether I am real is still my ever mind numbing question. I am not Good. I am not Bad. I am not Cute. I am not Preppy. I am not Rich. I am not Poor. I am not Goth. I am not Emo. I am not Grunge. I am Not. I am Not. I am Not. Am I Not? Who am I? Who are you? I have friends, friends of great birth and creation. They are my soul mates, though not of romantic kind. They are my soul mates in the sense that our minds meld in a precious manner, like gold. No, like molasses and syrup. If heated up we are painfully fast and overwhelming, covering everything in sight. When at room temperature, we are sickly sweet and slow, waiting for a thought to pick and pull apart upon ourselves. Their beautiful minds are like Evergreens and Aspens: partly permanent and luscious, partly colorful and changeable. Folie à Duex: Madness Has Two. A well used term, but my term is Madness à Trois: Madness Has Three. A maniacally made trio of doom, composed of minds far greater than any Diseased Adult Mind.
  Aug 2014 rockywhoreor
Fake Knees
is it wrong of me to hope that you can still smell me on your sheets?

i pray that the parts of me you set on fire and melted would sink into your mattress

stain your carpet

permanently fog your window.

i hope my smoke is trapped in your lungs and i never want you to stop hearing that fire alarm you caused because i feel like a dead soul after the damage that’s been done

the damage that has a name and the name is you.

so burn

i’ll throw your ashes in the lake we swam in and watch you drown.

and never feel sorry.
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