In the midst of anxiety
You make me feel calm
When I'm with you
Nothing feels wrong

Your smile, your care
Brightens my day
Makes me feel like I'm more okay

You see my struggles
My overthinking mind
But accept and support
You're one of a kind

With you
My world is brighter
And makes more sense
I'm able to strive
but feel less intense
You see the good in me
When my brain is a bit blind
And help me to grow
and try to unwind

I'm grateful for you
And everything you are
In my darkened, black sky
You're the scintillating star

A few weeks ago, I had less thoughts,
But now they’ve come back and they can’t seem to stop

I feel massive and huge
I’ve let myself go
How can I live like this
I’m puffy like dough

I want to control what I eat.

But I’m at the mercy of what my parents make
And the awkwardness that surrounds my plate
I can’t talk about how this is driving me insane
I know I’m crazy, these thoughts are inane

But I don’t know what to do.

I just want to be fit, like what I see in the mirror
Not hate every inch of fat on my rear
I want to be lean.

But what if I can’t have this
That might be true
Too much restriction
Metabolism won’t come through
Messed up my body
Messed up my life
On a path to a body,
I’m filled with strife

I don’t believe this will cease to haunt me
Incompatible with my nature
Incompatible with me
I want to achieve
And be the best I can be
I obsess over my shape
And my unknown weight
I’d rather be destroyed
Than discover I’ve gained

Truly, there is no cure.
Intense psychotherapy
Is the only hope there
But my thoughts aren’t distorted,
It’s our culture, I swear
My struggles are normal
Reflective of today
In these thoughts I may drown
In our culture I am prey

Recovery.

What does that mean?
A goal I set 5 years ago
After trying to "eat clean"
Yet how can I recover
in a world obsessed
with losing weight.

Eat this, not that.
Make sure you move.
Calorie counts galore
You have something to prove.

Dessert? Horrible.
Treats aren't allowed.
Less in, more out
Till you're light as a cloud.

Look at her weight loss
She's been "so good"
Eaten less and less
Lost all that she could.

This is the noise
I deal with.

And I'm told to
not listen
to think otherwise
don't focus on fat
or the size of your thighs

I try
Believe me, I try
But 5 years later
and my body makes me cry
Wanting to be normal
but perpetually sad
No matter what I eat
most of it's bad.

A part of me would give anything
To lose some pounds
So when I feel my body
it isn't just mounds.

Alas.
I don't know if that's possible.

Losing weight is equivalent
to losing your mind
Getting high off "control"
and the "esteem" you find
Obsessed with calories
and the steps you track
Monitoring everything
each and every snack.

No way
to live a life.

Nourish yourself with wholesome food
Don't sacrifice your mood.
So much more to do on this earth
Beyond obsessing over weight and shape.

I know
I know how hard it is to ignore the voice in your head
And all the diet culture, that closely treads

Do what's best for you
You deserve balance with food.

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create

For the first time

in a very long time

I actually feel joy.

I feel peace
and calm
can appreciate good songs
the light in my brain has turned on

Concentration and focus
have graciously returned
Clear thinking and contentment
For this I've yearned

I stare at the trees
How plants sway in the breeze
The beauty of nature
is something I now seize

Gratitude

I truly never thought
These feelings would return
Thought I was doomed to sadness
and never-ending hurt
Be numb or depressed,
Neither preferred

Close to giving up.

This feeling may not stay,
But I'm grateful to have felt this way
even for a few days.

I cherish this outlook
and the way that I feel

I'll use what I've learned
To help others hope to heal

You look at me and smile
and anxiety melts away
My heart grows
My brain knows
Things might actually be okay

You listen to my ramblings
Put up with my weird quirks
I didn't know
That this could grow
My past is filled with jerks

You accept me for my struggles
Past and present day
Didn't think that that was possible
Is what I used to say

Attractive, kind, and fun
and lots of chemistry too

In an uncertain future
I'm glad to say
I've spent some time with you.

My internal pain is invisible,
my anguish cannot be seen.
I go through each day
making my way
but with little knowledge of where I've been.

Working, volunteering, trying,
to spark a bit of joy
but I still feel blue,
what am I to do?
My smile is a ploy.

Help.
I'm screaming on the inside
Hoping someone will notice and care.
For now, I feel like a burden
wallowing in my despair.

I'm tired of pretending to be normal
Of the appearance that I've made
Of seemingly being high functioning
When in truth I'm continuing to fade

I'm sorry I can't be happy,
I'm sorry I'm always this way,
hoping someone perhaps reaches out,
tells me it'll be okay

I've learned so much, alas,
Nothing seems to work.
"You're fine Laura, keep going"
Until my brain truly goes berserk