Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
.
.
You don't love me
you love the idea of me

I loved you
but that was a scary place

You didn't care
you knew you could leave and I would always be there

You blamed me
but there was blame to share

You left me
I left you

I don't know you anymore
I am a monster

You never loved me
you created me into a monster leaving me alone
I should have known this would happen again

They're getting worse

I'm slowly being lured into their trap

I know what this is

The demons within me

They're getting stronger

I can not suppress these feelings much longer

I'm afraid

I know what happens next

The hospital

More pills

More doctors

People saying

"It gets better"

*******

I've been fighting for five years

Every time it just gets worse

They say to look and help others

I do

That's all I ever do

I get so lost in other people's problems I forget my own

Tick… tick… tick…

I'm a time bomb about to detonate

Except no one knows when I will go off

I bury these feelings deep within until everything bottled up

They say to forget

How you can you forget when everything you do points back to them

Shh... It's okay they say

No it's not okay

It's not ******* okay

I'm a mess

A hoarders house looks better than my thoughts

It's normal to go through stages like this I've been told by doctors

Okay so it's normal to want to die?

Okay I'll remind you that that when people tell me how ****** up wanting to die is

I'll remind you that when people think I'm physcotic when I break down because of words said

I tell myself I'll be fine

I do it for my family

I could care less what happens to me

I get texts saying "please don't die"

but what's stopping me?

Oh wait…

Nothing
crash
the sound off the bowling ball hitting the pins is how it felt when I saw you
The sound of the music was ringing in my ears when my friend brought my phone back with your name and number in my phone
I was hesitant but you make me feel safe
I didn't realize how much I missed you when I had just met you
I found you
you are everything I need
holding your hand I was letting go of everything
When your lips pressed against mine I could breather for the first time
I feel tingles in my body thinking about you
My heart was beating so hard I could hear it over the sound of the bowling pins crashing down
With each kiss you hit down each bowling pin I had set up around my heart until you hit a strike.
You hold my heart in your hands just don't put me in the gutter.
All I want is you in the darkness of night
I’m a bullet aimed straight for you
I push you away because I love you
I lie because if you knew the real me you would run
I’m toxic to anyone who gets remotely close to me
I am a diary full of secrets locked up and hid the key
I forgot where the key is
I lost myself somewhere
I need to be found
Please find me
Find me before I poison everything
Please I need you
You are my friend
My forever
I’m toxic and I’m wasting my life away
Hand me another beer pass me the ****
Maybe if I’m numb enough I’ll forget the pain
When I’m sober the world is cruel and unforgiving
When you’re near the world is clear and my mind is a mess
Say anything
I love you
I will never leave you
I know I push you away but please
Pull me in closer
You say you don’t believe me
You have no reason to
My whole life is a lie
I’m in a maze
I’m falling apart
you are the way out
help me please
before I fall again
I remember the day
that day is clear
spotless
until that night
you came to spend the night
I had asked you to homecoming
you took things to far you started rubbing yourself
you wanted to be touched
I gave in
When in came to my turn you slowly took things off
despite my struggle to keep my clothes on
you slowly started touching slithering your tongue on my body
I said Stop
I said NO
You kept going
You said nothing happened
you said I made it up
I wish to god that it wasn't real
it is
I am haunted my you
your touch still lingers on my skin
I'm afraid of getting hurt again
Did me saying no give you the right away to keep going?
should I have said yes
someone tell me
am I the one at fault
Please Does NO mean anything to you?
Lost in my thoughts again didn't know it would be so soon
calm down it will be alright love close your eyes and fly to a place where they won't find you.  close your eyes don't be afraid I am here spread your wings.... And fly
thought you would be the one
but entered into a place I kept hidden  full of broken pieces I am corrupted  
close your eyes don't be afraid I am here shut the door..... And cry
I am afraid it will end up the same way I love you More than words can explain close your eyes don't be afraid I am here begging you please baby... Don't leave
You shut the door and I am lost
Walking through a world of mirrors reliving the days I tried so desperately to forget
It's my fault
I should have been there
It's my fault I wasn't enough
I tried, I am trying
I'm begging you please forgive me
I'm lost in my thoughts so soon I wanted to forget but I haven't learned yet
It started innocent
I was captivated by your smile
I was pulled in by the mere thought of being loved
I thought that if I felt wanted I would be okay
I thought I was okay
I wasn't okay
You pulled me in while you were drowning
How do you expect me to save you if I barely save my self
All wanted was love
Now look what you've done
Are you satisfied with the picture that you've painted with my blood

It was innocent
I saw your face and I remembered how I felt love
I wanted to feel loved again
I missed him
I used you to fill that void that he left
It started with a sip then a glass next thing I know the bottle is gone
It felt like every touch you made my heart race
Like every kiss would last forever until you were drinking everyday
I didn't know the sober you
I lost you I loved you
I want you but you're too far gone

I'm afraid to say I love you because all the love I've ever felt has just hurt
I never was taught how to love
How am I supposed to have stable relationships
I don't know what it means anymore
I know what love feels like
Falling in love after you've been in love is scarier than falling out of love
You never really fall out of love
There will always be the smells the songs the touch that will Always be a part of you
I try to escape my own skin but I can't
I can't forget those nights
Those words
And those feelings
To be loved
To want to be full
But never actually being
#fallinginlove
I have these feelings raging inside of me
I hide them in fear someone might find out
I mean I still have feelings for someone else
I love someone else
It hurts because I think of him everyday
He graduates this year
He is so beautiful
He is hidden
I cry myself to sleep
thinking about what he did to me
I loved him
He said he loved me
He didn’t
He let me go
he let me fall
he didn’t give a **** that I was so broken
HE blamed me for his pain
I did nothing
I was there for him
He was so **** unhealthy for me
I came back each time he pushed me away
I hear his voice
I hear him singing our songs
I lost him
I don’t know him
He’s NOT the Miles I fell in love with
I felt connected to you my love
you felt the same
or so I thought
You said words that I want to forget but I can not
You cut me deeper than any sword could
I am bordering breaking down again
the only person who knew
who knew what actually happened is no longer in my life
I tried to end my life again
It was to much to handle
my parents pulled me out because they thought it was to much for me to handle.
it wasn’t I swear
I loved it there
Now I’m as broken as can be I hate the place
that I’m at  
I remember you
you were my forever
now
I’m saying goodbye
and this is my final goodbye
Good bye
Miles Jacob Higgins
you will forever be in my heart
Him
Him
I saw you across the room and I almost fell over
Just like the first time
The first touch was electric
the first kiss was magic
You made me forget things I worked years to forget
I made you remember things you didn't want to
I lied constantly you saw right through the lies
you knew me
you knew the lies when I couldn't remember what lies had become truth and what had't
You make things so clear yet when I try and express them they are all over the place
you are my forever
you are him
I’m a book hidden with secrets
I am often misinterpreted as something I am not
and people miss the things that are real
I have no place in this world
I want to look away from the pain
I want it to be over
I’m living on sinking sand
with every move I sink in further and further
I want it to be over
I want it to go away
I want a lot of things
None of them will ever happen
I lost everything
I want people to see me for the real me
I say I’m a *****
I am
On the outside
on the inside I regret every **** word I say
I am dying slowly
each day I die a little more
One day I will die
Each scar has a story
I would tell them but each are interpreted in the wrong way
Cutter
people call me that
I try to tell them why but that just makes things worse
Is it over yet
no
the answer is no
This battle will never over
I’m sinking deeper
I am a lot of things
I am
I am
you said you'd never leave me wondering if you cared
but now I'm alone and scared
I'm losing control
left alone with a broken soul
you said you'd never let me go  
and now these emotions overflow
Then it hit me
you have the key
I stay hidden
living in depression
you consume
I hide in my bedroom
afraid you will leave
while you deceive
I was naive
just leave
It’s funny how we love people.
We stab them in the back.
We cheat on them.
Most of all we lie.
We lie because we’re afraid to hurt someone and tell the truth.
Finding out the truth after the lie hurts the most.
It ******* *****.
Unrequited love stabs and kills you day after day
It’s funny how we say we love someone that we don’t
It’s funny love.
Isn’t it?
Love it’s a funny thing
we stab those we love the most in the back
we tug them every which way
we push them away in hope that they love us enough to come back to us
Broken with no where to run in a maze but with every wrong turn you break down just a little bit more you see life is a game but this game has a twist it starts with a me at only 13 years old 1 cut 2 cuts 3 cuts 4 when will it be over I cry 5 cuts 6 cuts 7 8 cuts 9 cuts ten aw now they is satisfied with the blood slithering down her arm 1 month later 1 pill 2 pills 3 pills 4 5 pills 6 pills 7 8 pills 9 pills ten with dears streaming down her face she croaks please make it stop 11 pills 12 pills 13 pills 14 now she has her fill found by her parents rushed to the hospital now for the mental hospital stay her heart starts beating rapidly when she sees his face how beautiful she thought till the day she was worrying about him instead of her she finally broke it off then tried to end it again then one day she finds herself dancing with amazing people she loves not expecting what might happen four months later but this time she won't get saved... She is dancing across the room scars cover her body she hides her pain with her fake smiles she clings to anyone or anything that shows a remote amount of affection her anxiety controls her life she fights for as long as she can till her last night she decides to end it one pill for being a freak a second for all the lies she was told a third for staring at her plate but not touching it a fourth for her sexuality a fifth because of her father a sixth for all the boys that played with her heart a seventh because she thinks she's fat an eighth just because there is no going back a ninth for all her imperfections a tenth for all the abuse in her life an eleventh because she desperately wants to stop breathing a twelfth because that's when death started calling her name a thirteenth because she had no friends a fourteenth for being so ungrateful a 15 because that's the age she doesn't want to see they tried to save her but it was to late she made up her mind... See I told you this game has a twist.
Frozen
I’m staring at you
With another girl in your arms
It’s not me
We share the same name
but it's her you love not me
You ask me why I cling to you like you’re going off to war
It’s not you going off to war it’s me
Everyday is like a battlefield in my head
I can’t seem to get the words right
I can’t tell you how I feel because of the fear
I can’t let you in because that means you would know
You would know the monster within
I’m toxic and I can’t resist you
Maybe I’m young
Maybe I’m naive
I’ve seen more things and been through more to last me ten lifetimes
My heart flutters when I see your face
The brush of your skin is enough to give me a heart attack
I ask you not to hurt me
You tell me you won't
We both know that's a lie
It's a lie it's all a lie
Because you walk past me like I'm not even there
You talk to my friends and don't acknowledge my presence
I'm invisible again
I'm a ghost slowly being hollowed out
**** it
not this again
This vicious cycle
that kills me from the inside
I'm slowly deteriorating
please I'm begging you
Don't hurt me
DON'T hurt me  
Like they did.
You aren't in my life but I still feel controlled by you
I apologize for things you would get mad at me for but others wouldn't
I still flinch when I get texts saying certain things that shouldn't make me panick
I suppress my feelings and I try to save others because I couldn't save you
I don't know if you're dead or alive
Either way I will never get my questions answered
You clung to me as much as I clinged to you
You took the breath out of me and replaced it with poison
I lost all the people that cared because of what I had done to keep you
I still feel like it's all my fault
It wasn't my fault
You were 17 you took advantage of me with your snake like ways
You slithered your way into my life
You knew I would fall for you.
There was no way out only in
I'm still in a game that you left a long time ago
My life is still scarred by a 13 year olds wish to feel
I just wanted to feel
And trust me I felt
I still feel but not what I wanted
They say careful what you wish for and now the only wish I make is that I was the last that you got a hold of
Blackness that’s all I remember. Pain that’s all I felt. I was just 12 when death started calling my name. My name is Becca and this is my story well was… I was 12 and my older sister was babysitting me and my little sister. Death…....that was the first time I actually seriously thought about it. I held the knife up to my chest my heart beating rapidly , terrified and just didn’t want to fight anymore, I dropped the knife. I fought the thoughts of death off 6th through 7th grade. Eighth grade was a rough year, I went to Waunakee schools and I was bullied a lot. I got picked on because scars covered my body. That’s where my story really begins. It was January of 2015 and I lost it I found the pill bottle and counted out exactly fourteen pills because that is the age I didn't want to see. I was found by my parents; they called the police refusing to let me end my pain. That’s when things started to really going down hill.
6th grade:
6th grade I got picked on because I like different things I wasn’t the average kid that was into what everybody else was. I also could be considered a religious freak. That year my grandma had been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I prayed for her constantly. Thinking it would make her better. That year I had also learned about the holocaust. That made me not sleep at night. I was constantly terrified. I started hearing voices then.  I never told anyone I thought it was the devil so I just started praying. I thought about killing myself many times. I never went through with it because I was scared of death and what came after it. I constantly fought myself.
7th grade:
That year was unexplainably one of the worst years of my life. My older sister started seeing a therapist. I didn’t know why. My religion had always said to depend on God when you were having a difficult time. I got picked on majorly that year because people thought I was lesbian but, I said no way in hell am I lesbian. that year my parents told me they didn’t believe in God. I was already majorly depressed and well I hid that. That was the last thing I needed. I started cutting. I stopped because I didn’t want anyone to see. I was friends with this one girl named Taylor she was super tiny and well I was bigger than her. One day she called me fat. I already had body image issues. I stopped eating. I was anorexic. As of March 2014 I was 5’0 and 72 pounds. I was taken to the doctors and well I wasn’t hospitalized. My parents just sat down with me until I ate the food that they put on my plate. I wasn’t allowed to serve myself at all because they were afraid I was going to starve myself. I wasn’t allowed to pack my own lunch, little do they know, that only made things worse. My older sister would pack me a meat sandwich. Meat was never my favorite thing. especially meat sandwiches. I never really ate at school when I was younger I always threw away my lunches if I didn’t like them.  I always had a hard time eating. Recovering was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Little had I known that what was coming next would change my life forever.

Summer: The summer going into eighth grade was so hard for me. My parents let us go to church but was hesitant with every week that went by. That summer I turned thirteen and as usual by birthday was hell. I was losing myself with everyday that passed. Then I started playing this game called Meez. It made my depression worse because then I started getting bullied on the game. I didn’t stop playing because I didn’t have friends. The only ones I did have were online.  
Eighth grade:
Everyday was a battle; I could barely get out of bed. The first part of eighth grade was a blur. Kids picked on me. My grades were dropping faster than a blink of an eye. I had no friends. The friends I did have turned on me. I was all alone facing my battle of depression. I started cutting majorly. It was bad. Till one day we didn’t have school, It was a Monday. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My mom took us to Pizza Hut for lunch. Then we came home. My dad was gone at a meeting. My mom went to drop my older sister off for babysitting. Now was my chance. I run to the cupboard grab the bottle of ibuprofen counted exactly fourteen pills. I was scared to be honest I stood there for a minute thinking this is the last night. I took them. I ran upstairs crying. My little sister looked at me and saw I was upset and asked me what was wrong. All I could say was “I’m sorry. I know I’m not the greatest sister but, I love you so much.” My mom came home then and I went downstairs. She saw that I was crying. She asked me what was the matter. I bursted into tears again. All I could say was “I’m sorry” over and over again.  Then she yelled at me telling me to say what the hell I did. That’s when I told her. She started crying. She started calling the cops. I started screaming “NO! LET ME DIE! I’M MISERABLE!”  I heard the sirens coming. My dad walked in asking what was going on, my mom told him. She was shaking so hard and crying. The police walked in they questioned me thoroughly.  I was rushed to the hospital. I had so many tests done. I spent the night there. The next day I was discharged from the UW hospital and admitted to the Meriter child and adolescent psychiatric facility.


Hospital:
´´Hi my name is Becca.´´
  were my first words there. I was terrified and still wanted to die.  The first thing I really participated in was karaoke. It was ok I guess I laughed so, I could get out of there as fast as I could. I spent the next day being angry that I hadn’t died, then the second day I was there that’s when I met him.  But I’ll get to that later. I spent the next 5 days attending group therapy, DBT, mindfulness, and many other things.
Miles:
When I first saw him I stopped and stared. It was like time had stopped. (this is where I would stop if you don’t feel like going through an emotional rollercoaster and have your heart ripped out.)  When he entered the day room I couldn’t get over his shirt. It was a Sleeping with Sirens shirt they were my favorite band. Then his eyes, piercing ice blue eyes that screamed out in pain. Then I just stopped talking because he looked irritated. The next morning I was as quiets as a mouse then he sat by me and started conversation. We got along I was like one of the only people he talked to. Movie night that’s when things changed. He said he wanted to just hold me. That is a night I never wished had happened. He talked to me constantly. He confided in me, he trusted me. I thought he loved me as I loved him. Two days later I got released from the hospital. I cried that day because all I wanted to do was stay by him to make sure he was ok.


After Miles:  
My parents found out we were dating and they made me leave him. I struggled.  I loved him. He was my world. I regret to say I still love him but, I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I had tried to **** myself right in front of my parents after they told me I couldn’t talk to him anymore. I felt so much pain. Then a month later my older sister tried killing herself. I tried killing myself a couple days later.  I was sent to another mental hospital.


The other Mental Hospital:
I was sent to St.Luke’s it’s a step down from Winnebago. It was scary at St.Luke’s you couldn’t even go to the bathroom without having someone unlock the door. There were no paper towels. You had to share a room. Showers were 15 minutes. We had to be at least 2 feet from the other patients. We also didn’t talk about our problems; we had to do worksheets instead.
October 19 2015:
I knew that day that I wanted it to be my last. I went to school and acted like everything was fine even though I knew what I had planned. I went home did my homework, ate supper, did the dishes, and had a bonfire with my family. When everyone went to bed I pulled out my shiny, bottle of advil, and hard cider. I downed the hard cider and 30 advil. I sliced my wrist up the blood was slithering down my arm. I was rushed to the hospital I stayed at the UW for 2 days. I was then admitted to the Meriter child and adolescent psychiatric facility again . It was hell as usual. I got back the following Monday. I went back to school the next day. things are starting to get a little bit better. The suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm are still there but I have new coping skills.  

Goodbye note (I had wrote this hoping someone would find it after I died but, obviously I’m still here”):
I had set my suicide date to January 31st but I can’t do this. I feel like a walking Zombie. I tried everything to hide the pain and deal with the pain. So this is goodbye I guess. You will never know my full story. No one will but me. The demons I faced have taken hold of me. I took 30 pills because 15 is the age I do not want to see and I couldn’t imagine living double that time. <3 you all dearly.  

Seven letter one word ends it all:
I’m guessing you are wondering what that word is. Well It’s suicide. S for self harm. U for useless. I for I hate myself. C for crying all the time. I for illegal substances. D for death. E for ending it all. This is my story and I’m fighting a battle everyday.
I see you everywhere
you said I was beautiful?
but did I mean anything to you
I lived for you
you were the only thing keeping me here
I needed you
I needed you not to blame me for you hurting yourself
I needed you to stop pushing me away
I need you to keep your promises
I needed you to not hurt me the way you did
I needed a lot of things
but I needed you
All I wanted was you
Nothing else
Just me and you
but like everyone else we both succumbed to the demons intertwining us
we fell apart
and succumbed to the demons
I saw you and I couldn't stop staring
my friend came running and you gave me the look
I was scared because the last time I had that look my whole world came crashing down
You make me happy like no other and I'm afraid
I love you and I know I do
It hasn't been long but I know it's you
You came crashing into my life the day I finally said goodbye to him
you are everything I need and everything I want
From the look I knew because I see you stare at me across the room
Your kiss makes me fly
your touch makes me whole
please don't let me go
look at me everyday like you did that first day
It’s 2am and you’re in my head
I hate you I swear I do
I love you
I thought you loved me
we know what happened next
I fell
I died on the inside
then you come sneaking right back up next to me
You say you’re sorry
I fall for it every time
I miss you I do
I love you
I love you I know I probably sound like a love sick
crazed person
I miss you you with all my heart
I need you
I’m giving up on finding you
you are still my everything
you are my liar
my favorite liar
I’ve lost you again and again
It’s over this time
It’s done
I’m letting you go
I have to let go
I’m going to fly away
you’ve taken away one too many things
from me
leave me alone you monster
you dragged me down while I was already drowning
It was my time to fly
you broke my wings
you stole them from me
now I’m trapped in this hell we call earth
all alone
afraid
broken
toxic to everything I touch
toxic
that’s the monster you’ve created
a toxic shadow
toxic
that’s me
What if you knew the real me what would you think of me?
Stab your knife into me once again
I’m done fighting with your lies
I’m trying to find myself
Please don’t let me go
Please don’t let me fall
Please don’t do it again
I’m already drowning don’t drag me down with you


Please I’m just sad romantic
Let me show you the real me
What would you do
My wounds are open
Please stitch them up and heal them with your tears

I am not over you  
I messed up one too many times please understand
I’m hiding in a place where you won’t be able to find me
I’m trying to tell you how I feel
I’m sorry my message is to hidden

Please crack my code
I want you to know me
My words aren’t the best but let me tell it to you in song
I swear you are the one for me

Your words cut me like knives
please why won’t you heal me
You have me in prison
This is prison
Set me free  
Why won’t you do it for me?

— The End —