One day you will hold the greatest love for a toxic relationship.
Although I need to get us out of the mindset that a toxic relationship refers to a love interest.

Most times we resonate in a toxic environment due to family or friendships. And as much as we don’t want to believe that, as much as we don’t want accept such predicaments it’s true.

There exists people that were meant to be there at a specific time to help you realize something. And it happens to be that they weren’t meant to stay, so a cloud of darkness surrounds your relationship as they develop into their true self.

For that you will look for reasons to stay and blind your conscience in order to keep this relationship and it’ll tear you to bits.
Your mind will form assumptions that people change and this is because of outside influence, New squad pressure or the environment is forcing them to.

Frankly I don’t believe that people change, I believe that we develop into who we are meant to be, into our true selves. So I had to remind myself that I cannot come up with anymore excuses, I need to leave this toxicity and save myself.  I also had to remember that if neither of us walks out, we’ll be toxic to one another. I couldn’t bear to hurt myself by constantly holding you back.

If you ever feel bad from walking away from a toxic relationship. Trust me you not only saved yourself but you freed the other person to find their own saving.

Goodbye

This is a product of my emotions
Messy as it is
Jumbled and in need to be released.

I’m saying goodbye,
To the past so beautiful and green,
To the darkness so bright and dull.

I’ve hidden myself for way too long,
Spent days running from the corners and hiding from my demons,
Accepting fate but not realizing it.

I’m saying goodbye.

As I write this my mind holds me back, it whispers to my heart that “It doesn’t hurt”
Yet my heart stares blankly, wondering “If it doesn’t hurt why am I so clouded with this pain, why do I want to fix us over and over again?”

It’s painful, having this need to fight
Having this gnawing feeling inside.

How does one say goodbye to someone they once loved?
Someone you would and still will do anything for them?
I’ve watched my hope wither with each second of empty promises, broken dreams and unfulfilling conversations.

I heard my heart shatter into pieces consistently from truths that I was hearing from third parties while you confidently orchestrated lies to me.
My mind warned me, sparks flew from then.
It told me that we were done but my heart refused, “This is all a misunderstanding”, “I’m not quite as open, I’m to blame”

Running on those words, I healed my heart with lies. But as flashbacks of when I teared my walls, showed you how defenseless I was as grief and mourning controlled me, was I not open enough?
Or was it too much that I was not worth the honesty?

I sensed my eyes ***** with tears as I noticed how much of a season I am to you.
It hurts, not as much as it should be and thanks goes to my mind.
“As long as you anticipate it. It won’t be that bad” it said.

There’s no fixing us,
There’s no being about this facade,
No matter how ‘happy’ I might have been.

But why,
Am I so hopeful that the lie you sputtered of fixing us will be turned to truth?

Why?
When my heart needs to understand that this is goodbye
Your silence and lack to reach out screams in agony of goodbye.
So why am I still hoping?

The girl who cried.

Tears burning her cheeks,
Slapping them red.

"She cried wolf!" they spattered.
"It's not our fault!" they defended.

Strangled by her muffles
Burnt by her cracks.

The girl cried wolf,
They howled to show their support

Somebody save me,
Before I pull my walls up and before my pride takes over.
I'm in need of saving.

Usually I'm not one for these humble words,
I'd rather ramble, stutter and diverse the topic
Throwing jokes in mid air for you to catch and forget the situation
Only to quickly build walls and listen to my inner demons telling me that I'm alright and that they'll save me.

Somebody save me
Because who I was is not who I am
And that's terrifying,
It's petrifying
And I can't help but shake.

Okay stop.
Truth is right now as we speak, I'm building walls.
Regretting every word that utters,
My inner demons are telling me to stop, they are telling me that I'm fine.
That these thoughts are just non existent.

And trust me I want to believe that.
I want to be able to follow their instructions,
Because truth be told they are the greatest distractions.
But these subliminal thoughts are killing me,
Taking away everything that defines who I am.

I don't know what to do.
'Talk', they say.
' I do' believe me I do.
But talking does not help when they don't listen and try to understand.
I am on the verge of losing myself.
And I keep talking, talking but they keep brushing me away.

"It'll get better, it's all in your head", they say.
Sometimes to be spontaneous they throw half heated "sorry" or "Wow, I never knew", but they did.

Somebody save me.
Because my inner demons are fighting my subliminal demons and it's tearing me to pieces.
One minute I know I'm not okay and the next I say I am.
A few seconds later I'm ****** up and I want to cry and the next my own tears make me feel awkward because I'm okay.

I'm afraid of going home.
The thought is bitter,
It makes me sour.
My inner demons say that it's because I'm a city kid it's a phase feeling.
My subliminal demons tell me , I have not accepted and therefore I'm haunted by what is not home.

I'm afraid of being alone.
Sure my inner demons are on high alert.
They make sure that I am distracted.
That I'm always busy, fiddling, reading,  something.
But the minute I zone out,
Like now, I don't breathe, I Witness my pain,
I feel it.
I'm not alright.
But thankfully just like now. My inner demons take those thoughts away.

Nobody save me.
I'm alright

Been a couple of months running high on writers block.
Been searching for my sense of writing, wait. I haven't been doing that.
Been crazy focusing on school and the girl of my dreams.
Been stressing on exams and trying to get my life together.
Been hoping for some sort of light in my writing without trying to force it.

The beginning of my birth month has been a bit of a downfall.
Losing friends that matter and having a couple setbacks with school.
Lost the love of my life got her back but I'm confused.

It's in my best interest to have her  but not in hers to have me.
Should I tell her to do what's right even if it doesn't involve me?

I'm confused and this doesn't make sense I know.
I'm sorry, it's just that I need more than the physical to explain myself