I'm fat because my first boyfriend in seventh grade broke up with me for another girl and called me a fat ugly ***** over and over.
I'm fat because my best friend joined in and wouldn't lend me his jacket when I was cold because he'd rather give it to another girl because she was skinnier.
I'm fat because I'm too lazy to work out since depression hit.
I'm fat because I stress eat and have a bad sweet tooth.
I'm fat because my last ex wouldn't disagree when I asked him if I was fat.
I'm fat because he wouldn't let me eat.
I'm fat because he would see the plate of food and dramatically say, again?
I'm fat because I carved it into my stomach.
I'm fat because I have horrible mood swings and panic attacks and had to be put on antidepressants and birth control.
I'm fat because I don't look in the mirror anymore unless it's above my chest.
I'm fat because that's what I think everyone whispers when I'm not looking because I'm an anxious paranoid freak.
I'm fat because my parents say I shouldn't eat this or that.
I'm fat because I can't fit in my old pair of jeans.
I'm fat because I've always been scared to wear a bikini, now I refuse.
I'm fat because my mom says tells me she is fat, when she weighs less than me already.
I'm fat because no guys will look at me anymore.
I'm fat and I don't know what to do anymore.

Brown, the color of your eyes
Those sparkling pools of wonder and pain
Green, the color of the grass
That I laid on with him
Black, the color of the void
That he left in my heart
White, the color of the hope
You gave me when you saved me
Blue, the color of the sky
I look at now, contemplating why
Pink, the color of the sunset
The time has come to go home
Red, the color of the blood
That drips down my wrist
There is no color now
Just emptiness

These insecurities are taking over
I can barely hide them any longer
Slipping from my stitched lips
Coming through the seams of my very being
I don't know what I am seeing

Fact or fiction?
Reality or a dream?
Who am I?
I don't seem to recognize my reflection anymore
My body is tired and sore

My mind hazy and full of fantasy
Wishes never granted
Scars of hatred on my skin
Tears engraved in my cheeks
The blood I once held now leaks

I fear everything and anything
I just want to feel sane
If only for a moment
Take this key to my heart
I knew you'd stab with it from the start

I crave self destruction
This self loathing drives me to new heights
I crave the kiss of death
But instead we dance
Maybe it's my posture maybe it's my stance

That I need to fix
To correct all the wrongs I've done
I want to feel normal
I want to wake up with a new life
I'm too buried in my own strife

Help me, I'm begging
Point the barrel
Pull the trigger
I want the gun to be my last tune
As my eyes roll back in the light of the moon

I remember walking home from your car. I remember the way the street lights were glowing. I remember how I was glowing. My sanguine cheeks hurt from all the constant smiling. My heart pounding against my rib cage like it wanted to escape just to be in your arms again. My arms wrapped right around me from the cold, wishing you could keep me warm. That was when I realized I was in love with you. And it was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced.
But wait.
If I had known what I know now would I have turned around and ended it? Would I walk a little faster, getting chills from your frozen heart, to my home, never to return to that place.
Or would I have kept walking, just like I did. Gone home and dreamt of us together for eternity. Only to be let down over and over by your lies. Blood dripping down my face, mind hazy from all the pills. Put in hell for what seemed like forever. Only to be released and taunted even further.
Tell me.
If I had a choice, if I had known...what would I have done?

I can't keep doing this
This dance with death
He pulls me close
Whispers in my ear
A soft smile on his beautiful face
"Come with me."
I shake my head slowly
Pushing him away
But then my arms feel cold, empty
An ocean without fish
A tree without leaves
I search the darkness for him again
My arms burn
They begin to itch
An itch I can never scratch away
And then there he is
His face is a question mark
Wondering when I will follow
I shake my head slowly
But yet still I let him near
Our lips touch
A bittersweet paradox
But again I push you away
"Please..." we both say
One day I won't be able to push you away
And I'll truly let you take me
Together we will finally finish this dance we share

Fill up my every pore
I don't want to feel anymore
This pain is too real
Too much to feel
Take it all away
Just for one day

There is a time and there is a place
I love to feed the monster inside
Maybe one day I’ll see your lovely face
Baby tell me one more time you need me
Let it grow to the size of your sin
I just wish you could see
How much I love you
I’d do anything for you
Anything for you
Put on that smile I wear so well
As you fake naïve and pretend it isn’t me
Our lips touch as quickly as the razor to my skin
They share a similar depth and pain
You hold me close and I believe your lies
I’d do anything for you
Anything for you
I whisper I love you
You nod like you care
But the silence speaks loud

Darkness replaces the light
Cautiously I slink through the night
Rolling down my sleeves
As my love for you bleeds

“Hush hush,” you say
“For our love must be secret.”
“Hush hush,” I say
“For we cannot waste our time.”

My chest gets tight
My heart takes flight
Lips on lips
This is what they make movies about

“Hush  hush,”  you say
“For we must wait.”
“Hush hush.” I say
“For I’ve caught on to your lies.”

Life comes crashing down
Smile turning to frown
Tears rush down my face
This movie is starting to look like a horror film

“Hush hush,” you say
“For I swear I’m true.”
“Hush hush,” I say
“For it’s time for you to go.”

My knife slides up to your throat
While I show you what’s under my coat
Fear shocks your body
A Cheshire smile on my lips
There are no more hushes
How will your lies save you now?
I’ll give you one last lullaby
Now beg for your life
I’ll show you hurt
I’ll show you pain
Let flow what’s keeping us alive

“Hush hush,” I say
“For our love must be secret.”

The last words said before we collapse
There we lay motionless
Eternal Bliss

Blindfolded you go through life
So naïve of all the pain and suffering
Still ****** I raise my knife
Straight into your back
Little did you expect

All those lies
Just to get between your thighs
I don’t want any of the love money buys
I’m getting tired of these ties

Just because you fell doesn’t mean I have to catch you
Lay in the dirt
Maybe you’ll learn something there
The only pleasure you can give me is when you’re bent over or on your knees
You think you’re my one and only?
I bet you’ll take that to your grave
I’ll replace you just as soon as you came
Nothing but a broken toy
Good thing I came with batteries

All these lies
Just to get between your thighs
I don’t want any of the love money buys
I’m getting tired of these ties

I need you like water in my lungs
Nothing more than a pest, a nuisance
I can love but never for you
Just get down and let me pretend
You say you love me?
I think you sound better with your mouth full
Text me one more ******* time and I swear I’ll leave
Don’t you know I’m “busy”?
You **** just like the ***** I knew I made you
It’s time for me to go
I said I didn’t want any strings
But it seems I’ve gotten myself tangled
I’ll make sure to leave without one ******* word
But don’t worry I’ll be back when I’m hungry for more

All these lies
Just to get between your thighs
I don’t want any of the love money buys
I’m getting tired of these ties

All I see is love in your broken eyes