each buzz,
siren,
honk of the horn
reminds me of him

every person i see walking down the streets

all of the trees in central park

the lone light on in an apartment building

it all reminds me of him

i could be 5000 miles away and i still wouldn't be able to escape him

for him
thank you:

for rubbing my back so i fall asleep
for moments when you make me laugh instead of make me cry
for loving me when i don't love myself
for kissing my forehead
for reminding me that there still are good people in the world
for caring about me
for calling me when its midnight and i can't stop crying
for telling me i'm beautiful
for days like today
for keeping my hands warm when it's cold outside
for keeping me safe
for laughing at my jokes
for letting me tickle you
for teaching me how to love again

I feel like I'm drowning but I have all the air in the world. the only thing pulling me closer to death is the ocean that flows from my veins and I can't seem to get up. memories of you are flashing back to me and it hurts to know you stopped caring. my eyelids are heavy and the only thing wrapped around me is this towel but all I want is his arms.

things you left behind:

a case of shaky hands
a shirt you wore the day i fell in love with you
my heart, barely in one piece
(but it's fixed now.)
anger
(your mom still texts me every week)
a piggy bank of money we saved up for our retirement
the walls we painted in my room
(the walls aren't completely covered. it's ironic because you must not have completely loved me)
a box of movie tickets, roses, cards, all memories i haven't removed from under my bed
(your sense of humor is still with me but i don't think its funny that you now drown yourself in cheap alcohol and you probably can't remember my middle name)
bitterness
(i can't stand the thought of me being so weak because of what you did)

_

most of all, you left me behind
you left me to be weak
you left me to cry
you left me to hate myself even more than you hated me
you left me
and you left me so i could learn to love again
and i have, i have learned to love someone so much better than the way you loved me

thank you for leaving me behind

bruised knees and bandaids
your mom is no longer your best friend, she'll scream words that burn your ears
she won't read you fairy tales before you fall asleep at night
CD's and ballet
school buses, new folders and the boy next door named Tyler
he'll want you for your body, he'll spread rumors throughout the school
you'll only want it to go away
girls you share laughter with and teachers you idolize
everything becomes different
the only thing you'll share with those girls is a pack of cigarettes and the stories you hear in the hallway
gummy bears and juice boxes have turned into prescription medicine and shots of *****
just wishing for one good day
your special blankie and your favorite hair bow
hidden in a closet behind the new skirt your dad doesn't like you wearing
disney movies, popcorn made on the stove and your whole family smooshed onto one couch on a friday night
those friday nights turn into another day of choking back cheap alcohol and ignoring your grandmother's emails

pimples and mint life savers
flirting over text and pink lipgloss
crying in class and acting like you hate the world
traveling in groups, friendships you think will last a lifetime and homework you never do
you never thought you'd have to grow up, did you?
everything is temporary
lockers and passing notes
doing everything you can so the cute boy your mother likes will daydream about you, too
everyone in your first hour literature class won't remember your name in 15 years when we all have kids and we marry someone because you simply have no reason not to
colorful backpacks and varsity sports
thinking high school would be the best four years of your life
why would someone lie to you?
gossip and holding hands
you never realized the guy across the hall would break your heart and rip your new blouse, did you?

I promised I'd stop searching for the ocean in my veins

it's october 30th
3 months and 26 days since the first day i really saw you
heart broken, i couldn't get you out of my head
3 months and 18 days since the night i fell in love with you
you, twirling me around on the dance floor
you, just a stranger
you, handsome
you, god why hadn't i met you earlier?
me, a nervous bright-eyed girl
you, a confident boy
me, just a stranger
i fell in love with you
i fell in love with the way you said my name
i fell in love with your gentle hands on my hip as we danced
i fell in love with each conversation we had
i fell in love with you
i fall in love with you, again, each and every single day
3 months and 26 days ago, the most beautiful person walked into my life
i'm not much of a prayer, but i thank god for you every night
i thank god for 3 months and 26 days ago
i fell in love with you
i am in love with you

i've never felt this helpless in my life
what does one do when people around you are dying of cancer
each cell of theirs ******* poison to their body
and all you can do is watch them die
slowly and painfully

i still listen to the music we listened to in your car on one of our road trips
and all of my friends, they know
they know i haven't been able to handle it
i can't handle the ******* heartbreak i feel everyday
yea, it'll get better over time
but
it's been a ******* year why am i not ok
why can i still not breath when i hear your name
why do i sit there with a blank stare when i have flashbacks of my hair blowing in the wind and your left hand on the steering wheel and your right hand on my knee
tracing infinity signs into my skin
leaving a feeling i'll never be able to ******* forget

**** the old pictures of you and I

swallowing my pride like you choke back that cheap liquor
holding back tears like the way you shove me into the wall and act as though I feel the way you do
believing those words like the things you muttered under your breath

10/27/2014

making someone smile gives me a fraction of peace because i think that at least people will have something to look back on when i'm dead.

make sure you eat dinner.

the time is falling like the leaves around you. move quickly.

don't let anyone tell you you're not worth it.

missing you is like trying to find your way in the dark. it's like nothing could ever be right again, until that moment i see you. i see you again and everything changes. my heartbeat goes from 5 to 29837 miles an hour and god even the ******* temperature changes. my palms get sweaty and my hair sticks to my forehead. i start to miss you even when i'm in your arms and i can hear the sound of your heartbeat. you hug me and tell me to stay. "please don't go just yet." but what are we supposed to do when we live two different lives?
we wait. we wait until i can find the safety in your blue eyes. we wait until i can feel your hand on the small of my back. we wait until you lean in to kiss me because simply saying "hello, i've missed you" won't be good enough.
*i wait until i can see you again.

it seems to happen
late at night (or
early in the morning
whatever you
want to call it)
i wake up with a
feeling of such loneliness
such depression
after i call your name
because i can't get
the image of you
holding the door
for me
out of my head
i can't stop dreaming
of your words
"i
      love  
             you."    
or a simple
"you're
              mine."      
and how that was
once so normal
and now,
i haven't even heard
a
   "hello."
in one ******* year
because i don't even know who you are anymore.

you hold my hand as if it's made of glass and you're terrified to shatter me. i've never been so fragile to someone. how did i get so lucky? i can't look at you without my heart driving full speed on the express way. i wish you could hear the way i think about you because i'm sorry i never know what to say and when to say it. but it's okay because someday i'll have collected all of these thoughts and i will put them down on paper. i'll read that paper to you with shaky hands and tears in my eyes and afterwards i'll say
"i do." and think to myself, how did i get so lucky?
i just hope you will, too. and, you know, maybe you won't, but at least i had the privilege of spending my time with the most beautiful blue eyes in the entire world.

it's not fair.
i feel your heart beating and it's closing off the blood flow to my brain.
i want to be able to fix your problems and know how you feel and tell you you're beautiful.
but i can't. you don't let me.

she had the sky in her eyes
the grass in her hair
and blood on her wrists

when i went overseas it was like each worry
each feeling of anxiety
each puzzle piece left out
each door left open
went away.
i stopped worrying.

we all need to stop worrying.

we don't have forever. each of us could be gone tomorrow, so, why're we living like we're trapped in some box?

make the best of it.

the idea of laying my head on your shoulder after a long day gives me such a safe and relaxed feeling

i got in trouble for day dreaming again today

but i can't help it

you consume my thoughts. what am i supposed to do?

each moment i'm away from you i imagine your hands
i imagine your hands holding mine

i imagine a life where we don't fight
where all we can talk about is how much we adore each other


"i adore you."

there's a park down the street from my summer cottage
I've imagined us sitting on the bench watching our kids play

I got my heart broken on that bench

but the idea of you mending all of my broken places
doesn't seem too bad

my whole world
my whole life
revolves around a 6'4
brown haired
blue eyed
beautiful boy

and he has the power to destroy
my whole world
my whole life

he has my whole world
and my whole life
in the palm of his hands

but his hands are so soft
and give me such security

the dark nail polish doesn't begin to convey the sadness I feel
three people I know in the past few days
are gone

in a blink
in a flash

they are gone

but I guess I will be too someday.
tomorrow? next week? next month?

I could put millions of stars in the sky on a perfect July night and I'd still think of you as the view

I wouldn't mind to have all of my little-girl dreams crushed by your fingers that trace my skin so perfectly

What a ******* trap this is

it's really hard
to keep yourself going
when all around you,
people are leaving

no matter how close they are to you
they leave

I keep trying to fit myself into places that weren't made for me
I have too many scars

What am I doing

Can't help but pray for a lifetime with you
God, I love you so much
Oh god, the sound of your heartbeat makes me feel safe

Everything would be alright
If I could kiss you tonight

I'm wearing your sweatshirt to sleep again
I'm under my own roof and it makes me feel more at home

I've bitten my nails until they bleed
But when I hold your hand, everything seems to heal

I can't undo the tangles in my hair
But you trace your fingers down my arm and every one of my thoughts becomes unwinded and untangled before you

when your hands cup my chin
or the small of my back

and you're looking into my eyes

do you see the shattered pieces of my heart
do you see the never ending dark hallways in the back of my head

I am no longer afraid to die.

Day 81927181 of my heart being broken and I still wonder if your chest ever aches at the sound of my name the same way mine does whenever I hear yours.

There's a lump in my throat and an ache in my chest.

I've never felt so insignificant in my life
Like just another leaf on a tree
Another dog in the park
Another cloud in the sky

I'll never know what you felt when I told you I loved you

I'll never ******* know

i watched the measuring tape around my waist get smaller and smaller
all because of the words you let leave your tongue,
& the brutality you showed me

  i let the blade kiss my skin
all because of the cold shoulder you gave me,
the "I'm proud of you" I never got

  i said goodbye to all of my friends
all because I believed everything you told me
because I let myself think
that I really wasn't worth anything

YOUVE ALREADY STABBED ME PLEASE STOP TWISTING THE KNIFE

your love
made me feel like a butterfly opening it's wings for the first time--
beautiful
yet terrified

your love
made me think i could stop all crimes and fight the biggest battles--
ambitious
and stupid

your love
made me crave you
like an addict craves it's needle--
dangerous
and helpless

i've always wanted to own a bookstore

i'm not sure if it's because i hate my life so much
that i want to engulf myself into other peoples
love stories
or tradgedies
or celebrations

or if it's because
finding a new book
is one of those adrenaline pumping things
it's like a whole new adventure within bindings

It's as if those words you let leave your tongue
Were equivalent to a drug
Shot into my veins
Or
A bullet
To my heart

Did you even think about my feelings?
Did you even realize what you were doing to me?

you're killing me by doing absolutely nothing and I guess I did expect more but
who wouldn't?
I still sit here on Sundays and think of you having breakfast with your grandmother
I think of our visits to the nursing home to see your grandfather
I think of our times playing with kittens at the local shelter

I think of my heart being shattered
to a million pieces
as your overconfident,
****,
self-centered,
**** attitude got in the way of your seemingly non-existent feelings
I think of the tears I cried when I realized all of the *******
I put up with
for so long
because I was too blind to see what kind of a person
you really are

you cut into my heart as if the blood doesn't even bother you
you tear me down as if you can't hear my cries of help

missing his kiss is like calling for your dog even though it ran away

missing his touch is like trying to put back together a mirror
that shattered against the floor

missing his laugh is like attempting to put the blood back into your scraped knee

missing him is like asking your dead grandmother to make it to your birthday party

the thought of going somewhere nobody knows my name
gives me such joy

the image of a new me
makes me feel like the sunrise on a new day

first kisses don't mean anything
old photographs of family get togethers don't mean anything
your first dog
doesn't mean anything
the smell of your favorite flower
doesn't mean anything
the first home run you made in a baseball game
doesn't mean anything

because all of you go to hell

and all hell is,
is rewinding those family videos,
reblowing out your candles on your 6th birthday cake,
getting your heart broken by that one you thought would never break your heart
all hell is,
is a landfill
of those times you thought you'd live forever

knowing you're 8 hours away doesn't fill the piece of my heart you took with you
it doesn't remove the guilt from the bottom of my gut
and it doesn't take away the empty tissue boxes next to my bed

knowing i found someone new doesn't make me feel better about you gulping back cheap alcohol
and kissing someone else's cheeks

knowing that i could take my life any second and remove all of the pain that demands to be felt
doesn't make me stop wondering if you'd  
even miss me at all
or want to hear the sound of my voice again
or sit in silence while we watch the night sky
as if all of those stars
were equal to the butterflies in my chest

blood was pouring out of my veins
and you didn't give a ****
your hands were around my neck
and you were killing me with the words that never left your tongue
and i was the one
apologizing

I keep telling everyone I hate you and it's almost like I do but you shattered my heart and I'm scared I might forgive you

I thought you were my medicine but you turned out to be my poison.
I thought I needed you always but now I hardly want you.