the last time i saw you,
i could hear my heart breaking
i felt it between us,
the distance
i tried to stay hopeful,
i saw it in your eyes
how did we get to this point,
it was like the timing was off
you were thunder,
i was lightning

when it's five in the morning and all i can imagine is your hands against my skin it becomes so hard to even breathe

as the smile on your face fell, i fell with it

I'D LET YOU RIP OUT MY GIANT HEART THAT WON'T STOP BEATING AND I'D LET YOU KISS MY UNTIL MY LIPS BECAME NUMB BECAUSE I'D BE YOUR PAPER DOLL IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY. YOU'RE THE ******* NIGHT SKY AND I WANT YOU TO KISS ME BENEATH THE STARS. GOD LET'S GO TO THE CITY AND LET'S GET LOST IN THE BOULEVARDS AT NIGHT. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING. YOU COULD BE TWO DRINKS IN AND I'D BE THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR GLASS.

i saw you for the first time in months
you played with my hair
you told me you missed me
the look in your eyes was as beautiful as the moon that night
i can still feel your hand on my thigh
you made my heart skip a beat
i felt so free
i havent smiled in so long
we sang in the car
it was as if nothing happened
you got mad at me for trying to take my life
i have never felt so important
**** the way you make me feel
you say you're no good
you say you can't do a relationship
but you're in love with me
my heart is breaking
i have never felt so useless

things change, they rearrange. it might not always be for the best and your tears may fall but it's always meant to be, just let me be

I'm flesh & bones
I'm a rolling stone
But he holds my bones up
And he is the blood running through me.

Some people think that they are so powerful. But that's not the case.
We're all equal. We're all just ethic to keep our heads above water. But oh lord. Lord, am I sinking.

you're laying in bed thinking twice about your life

I thought you were my medicine but you turned out to be my poison.
I thought I needed you always but now I hardly want you.

Don't tell me you've felt pain until you've loved someone who made words feel like broken glass and fingertips with the feeling of gritty sand paper

I keep telling everyone I hate you and it's almost like I do but you shattered my heart and I'm scared I might forgive you

blood was pouring out of my veins
and you didn't give a ****
your hands were around my neck
and you were killing me with the words that never left your tongue
and i was the one
apologizing

knowing you're 8 hours away doesn't fill the piece of my heart you took with you
it doesn't remove the guilt from the bottom of my gut
and it doesn't take away the empty tissue boxes next to my bed

knowing i found someone new doesn't make me feel better about you gulping back cheap alcohol
and kissing someone else's cheeks

knowing that i could take my life any second and remove all of the pain that demands to be felt
doesn't make me stop wondering if you'd  
even miss me at all
or want to hear the sound of my voice again
or sit in silence while we watch the night sky
as if all of those stars
were equal to the butterflies in my chest

i watched the measuring tape around my waist get smaller and smaller
all because of the words you let leave your tongue,
& the brutality you showed me

  i let the blade kiss my skin
all because of the cold shoulder you gave me,
the "I'm proud of you" I never got

  i said goodbye to all of my friends
all because I believed everything you told me
because I let myself think
that I really wasn't worth anything

I've never felt so insignificant in my life
Like just another leaf on a tree
Another dog in the park
Another cloud in the sky

it's really hard
to keep yourself going
when all around you,
people are leaving

no matter how close they are to you
they leave

YOUR ARMS FEEL SO ******* GOOD AROUND ME BUT YOUR HARSH WORDS DON'T

I wish I felt nothing.

things you left behind:

a case of shaky hands
a shirt you wore the day i fell in love with you
my heart, barely in one piece
(but it's fixed now.)
anger
(your mom still texts me every week)
a piggy bank of money we saved up for our retirement
the walls we painted in my room
(the walls aren't completely covered. it's ironic because you must not have completely loved me)
a box of movie tickets, roses, cards, all memories i haven't removed from under my bed
(your sense of humor is still with me but i don't think its funny that you now drown yourself in cheap alcohol and you probably can't remember my middle name)
bitterness
(i can't stand the thought of me being so weak because of what you did)

_

most of all, you left me behind
you left me to be weak
you left me to cry
you left me to hate myself even more than you hated me
you left me
and you left me so i could learn to love again
and i have, i have learned to love someone so much better than the way you loved me

thank you for leaving me behind

you hold me when i'm sitting on the floor and the cries come out of me like thunder in a storm
you grab my hands when they are trembling like branches in the wind
you look into my eyes when the tears flow like a flood
you kiss my scars that look like red rock and you kiss my bruises that are so purple like the galaxies in outer space
you rub my back even when i am sweating from all of the tears
you reassure me when my mind is full of dark storm clouds
you are my sun in a day full of storm

i walked the line for you
i find it very easy to be persuaded
i found myself alone at the end of each day
i was a fool for you
i am a fool for you
why did i let you do this to me
you turned me black and blue
and shades of purple
my heart can't beat anymore

I can't do this anymore.

for him
thank you:

for rubbing my back so i fall asleep
for moments when you make me laugh instead of make me cry
for loving me when i don't love myself
for kissing my forehead
for reminding me that there still are good people in the world
for caring about me
for calling me when its midnight and i can't stop crying
for telling me i'm beautiful
for days like today
for keeping my hands warm when it's cold outside
for keeping me safe
for laughing at my jokes
for letting me tickle you
for teaching me how to love again

it was pouring down rain but i could still feel the tears rushing down my face. i sat on my driveway looking at the stars.

bipolar disorder
i never know what kind of mood i am going to be in
i miss you and i want you by my side
but i like feeling alone
i hate you
why aren't you by my side

my symphony played the song that broke my heart. the song haunts me in my sleep every night as I grip the blankets trying to tell myself to keep holding on. the song played louder and louder as I drove away from my broken heart. in my sleep she said come inside, fall asleep it'll be okay, but when I woke up I wouldn't be okay. when I woke up, their mouthes wouldn't tell me it was all just a sick joke. their mouths would scream that song. the song played louder and louder. it'll play on a warm day in August when I'm wishing for their arms around my shoulders. it'll play when I'm in a park kissing my husband, thinking to myself about the terrible lives I had because of their decision. it'll play at a wedding. it'll play at my brother's high school graduation. it'll play at a birthday party. it'll play and it won't stop.

the first time you told me how you felt you were drunk
i was holding the neck of a bottle of bacardi
we kept taking shots
you held my face

"you're so beautiful"

you'd tell me to look at you
i wish i could've said something
i wish could've walked out the door

              "im so sorry"

you called me baby
i wasn't yours but i could be

"you're so beautiful"

               "ill always be here"

i didn't speak for a minute
i couldn't believe i was living

by the time i finished the bottle
and you finished your beers
i promised myself i wouldn't believe a word you said
i grabbed your hands and you clutched me
like a stairway railing
we walked to your room
i had to help you take your contacts out

"i like you so much"
    
                "why were you dancing with him"

i fell in love with you
i fell in love with that feeling
i fell in love with your slurred words, your blurry eyes

i didn't mean to fall in love that night

you're beautiful
you're beautiful in the way i want to scream your name
you're beautiful in the way you make me smile
you're beautiful in the color of your eyes

she had the sky in her eyes
the grass in her hair
and blood on her wrists

everyone i do right does me wrong
i can't put anybody above you but you turned me
black and blue
i watched you rip me to shreds
you never cared
why don't you give a **** about me
i watched myself between your hands
how is it i never noticed that you were slowly
killing me
you turned me black and blue
i hate that i still want you
and i hate that i'd still let you hurt me

it's not too hard to see through these tears i'm hiding
i promise you i don't know why
i just start to cry

i've always wanted to own a bookstore

i'm not sure if it's because i hate my life so much
that i want to engulf myself into other peoples
love stories
or tradgedies
or celebrations

or if it's because
finding a new book
is one of those adrenaline pumping things
it's like a whole new adventure within bindings

i tie your kiss around my wrist
i pull the knot extra tight
i can't let it go

i like the sound of my name leaving the tip of your tongue
your eyes are green like a bed of flowers i planted on my birthday
a birthday on a beautiful summer day
with a tint of blue
the sun peeking between the clouds
i like the way you talk about your future
our future
you're going to take care of me
you're going to make sure i'm okay
i'm going to take care of you
i'm going to do my best
because i know that love needs to be full of kept promises and the dreams we right down on a scratch of paper
just so we don't forget
i can't forget the way your voice sounds when you wake up
and i can't forget the way you smile
because you're a breath of fresh air
on a beautiful summer day

you've never felt heartbreak until you have heard the tears
rolling down your cheek, you haven't said a word to anyone in days
you can't pick up your razor, your hands are too weak
your hands can still feel his hands
you're wearing his sweater from a night you'll always remember
you can't handle the fact that it should be hurting you more than this
you've felt alone for so long now
you've never felt heartbreak until you have to wrap the caution tape
around, and around your heart

I thought I didn't believe in God until I met him. This boy, with bright blue eyes. I thought I didn't believe in God because of everything He had put me through. But now, all I can do is thank God for bringing him into my life.

When I went to your house, I felt at home again.
Your dad gave me a hug. He probably felt each bone in my body rattling inside of me. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you again.
By the time I left your house, I hadn't stopped crying. Your lips stung my forehead. Your lips tasted like hell.
I wanted you so badly for all of the wrong reasons.
I wanted you to help me love myself. But you only hated me. You only muttered words under your breath.
When I got home that night, I finally stopped crying.
The "home" I felt at your house, was just familiarity.
You never loved me like I needed to be loved.
You changed.

you tell me you don't remember what you said to me the other night
i thought i was the drunk one
i thought i could see it in your eyes
please tell me you love me tonight

her name was kept a secret
but she asked everybody what kind of flowers they'd want on their grave
everyday she went to the farmers market
wondering if her dead body would smell the roses
or the daisies
or the lilies
above her
she traced her fingers over each stem
she kept a jar of daffodils on her windowsill
she'd look at them when she felt sad
she knew that even though if her death was ugly,
the beautiful flowers would still
lay above her

There is joy
and it is within a yellow flower,
inside an unopened letter,
inside his t-shirt on your floor. There
is something else I know.
There is sadness
and it is also inside an unopened letter,
shoved in-between two books.
It probably won't be opened.
Inside sadness there is anger,
inside anger there is despair,
inside despair there is regret.

when your hands cup my chin
or the small of my back

and you're looking into my eyes

do you see the shattered pieces of my heart
do you see the never ending dark hallways in the back of my head

the idea of laying my head on your shoulder after a long day gives me such a safe and relaxed feeling

i got in trouble for day dreaming again today

but i can't help it

you consume my thoughts. what am i supposed to do?

each moment i'm away from you i imagine your hands
i imagine your hands holding mine

i imagine a life where we don't fight
where all we can talk about is how much we adore each other


"i adore you."