I don't believe in your god because
I don't believe in myself.
I don't believe in the forever "I love you"
and the book that tells us what
to do.
I believe in the little.
Birds chirping for the first time since winter
type of ****.
I believe in the listening to your favorite song
on repeat.
I believe in inconsistency,
but not in world religions.
I believe in weakness,
but not in your arguments and persuasions.
I believe in soul,
but not that it needs to be saved
to prove the goodness in my heart.
I believe in being unstable.
I don't believe in being
hypocritical.
I don't believe in believing,
because I don't need to.

Place my cheek
against your careful hand. Look me
in my anxious eyes. Look and see what
is inside. You can see
every strand of fear.
You can see
every hole in my heart.
I don't think you'll want to see
every broken piece.
But look.
Look and see.

My anxious eyes regret looking into your eyes
that feel like
a warm towel after getting out of the shower.

There is joy
and it is within a yellow flower,
inside an unopened letter,
inside his t-shirt on your floor. There
is something else I know.
There is sadness
and it is also inside an unopened letter,
shoved in-between two books.
It probably won't be opened.
Inside sadness there is anger,
inside anger there is despair,
inside despair there is regret.

You were almost as difficult to catch as a bright yellow leaf coming down through a beacon of sunlight.
A stranger.

i like the sound of my name leaving the tip of your tongue
your eyes are green like a bed of flowers i planted on my birthday
a birthday on a beautiful summer day
with a tint of blue
the sun peeking between the clouds
i like the way you talk about your future
our future
you're going to take care of me
you're going to make sure i'm okay
i'm going to take care of you
i'm going to do my best
because i know that love needs to be full of kept promises and the dreams we right down on a scratch of paper
just so we don't forget
i can't forget the way your voice sounds when you wake up
and i can't forget the way you smile
because you're a breath of fresh air
on a beautiful summer day

the earth crafted you so precisely. your skin is soft, cloudy, comforting. you are not just a road you are the whole city for a weekend getaway. you are home. you are not a hotel room. you are the light, not just a match. you are the entire garden. not a simple petal. you are the music in my ears. you are not just a song on the radio. it's terrifying to think that i am hypnotized with not just a small part of you, but all of your existence.

although it feels as though the pieces of your life
are shattered right now,
you can put them back together,
reassemble all of the sharp edges,
piece by piece
although it may not look the same,
you can say you did it
you put yourself back together

on rainy days i miss u
i let u see all of my secrets
we left them on the porch
i left u on a rainy day
i wish u could have saved me
i wish u would have said something
when i walked out ur door

i sit in my room with the blinds closed and the lights off. i can hear the rain on the gutters, the gentle wind against my walls. i think about you. i fold and unfold one of your shirts that i never gave back. i accidentally washed it. how could i be so stupid to get rid of a smell so heavenly? the rain picks up and it's almost unpleasant. i sit with my eyes closed hoping i can remember what its like to feel your lips against my neck. all this time is passing by and i can't seem to remember what happened and why. i can tell that clouds are bunching up in the sky. i can hear the gathered rainwater falling to the ground off of the trees. i can hear you say my name.

everybody will wait up to hear you speak his name
you will know how to identify drugs but not how to start a conversation with your aunt at thanksgiving
you will count the hours of sleep you get
you will not trust anyone
you won't realize the beauty of a secret
everybody will want to know how good it felt to hear you scream
you won't know what a happy ending is
you will look at the bruises on your body and make constellations
you will choke your meds down with *****
you won't recognize yourself

i blocked your number
this is what i'd send you:

i don't want to let this go but theres not somewhere you can meet me. i have loved you and tried to support you, since the day i met you, but i am still not your number one. and second is not the same. i know you think you aren't doing much to me and you don't think this is a big deal, i am sorry that i fell in love that night we first met. i didn't meant to fall in love. i didn't know i'd get so hurt and this would be so hard. i didn't want to fall in love. you're manipulative and you somehow got me to be everything you needed. i let you shove me around. i let you break me, i thought i was already broken and i thought you knew that but you didn't care. you did not care. and you never will. you promised you'd be there to pick the pieces up and you weren't. you never will care.
i just keep saying this and maybe i will believe it but i keep clinging on to the moments when you cried in my arms and when you pulled me off the ground and wouldn't let me be gone. i just cling to these like stairway railings and i cling so ******* hard the blood can't get to my fingers.
i am so sick of all of these people talking and sick of hanging on to you but its time i move on. i need to move on.
you will never meet anyone that cared like i did. i will never love anybody like i loved you. (love you)

i walked the line for you
i find it very easy to be persuaded
i found myself alone at the end of each day
i was a fool for you
i am a fool for you
why did i let you do this to me
you turned me black and blue
and shades of purple
my heart can't beat anymore

everyone i do right does me wrong
i can't put anybody above you but you turned me
black and blue
i watched you rip me to shreds
you never cared
why don't you give a **** about me
i watched myself between your hands
how is it i never noticed that you were slowly
killing me
you turned me black and blue
i hate that i still want you
and i hate that i'd still let you hurt me

why i started loving you:
your eyes
your smile
your ability to make me smile
what i see behind your eyes
the way you carry yourself
(even though most people hate that)
how you don't care what anyone else things
how real you are
how you listened to me when i was sad
you complimented me
you wanted me
you tell me you love me when you're drunk
you let me cry
you let me be angry
you don't mind my craziness

why i need to stop loving you:
you don't want me like want you
i am not prepared to be hurt again
my heart already hurts
you say you're emotionally damaged
i will lose myself if i try to fix you

but i want to fix you

you make me happier than anyone has before but why does it hurt

as the smile on your face fell, i fell with it

some say there is beauty in the pain
i don't think you know how i have changed all my plans
theres so much time left for me

I'm drinking by myself
I don't know if i'm your girlfriend or not
you don't know I love you
holding the neck of the bottle
as tight as I clench your hand
I'm drinking by myself
I wish you were here

you tell me you don't remember what you said to me the other night
i thought i was the drunk one
i thought i could see it in your eyes
please tell me you love me tonight

i saw you for the first time in months
you played with my hair
you told me you missed me
the look in your eyes was as beautiful as the moon that night
i can still feel your hand on my thigh
you made my heart skip a beat
i felt so free
i havent smiled in so long
we sang in the car
it was as if nothing happened
you got mad at me for trying to take my life
i have never felt so important
**** the way you make me feel
you say you're no good
you say you can't do a relationship
but you're in love with me
my heart is breaking
i have never felt so useless

you told me you loved me again
i was the drunk one
i almost killed myself that night
you followed me home
to make sure i came back

bipolar disorder
i never know what kind of mood i am going to be in
i miss you and i want you by my side
but i like feeling alone
i hate you
why aren't you by my side

she'll never know you like i know you

i still wear your t-shirt to sleep
i still slit my wrists at night
i feel safe inside your t-shirt at night
i still listen to the songs
that you used to sing
i still replay the sound of your laugh
when i hated the smell of tuna
in your dorm room after
we cuddled
i still remember the way your
fingers felt running
through my hair
i still get excited when i see dogs
i still like to argue
i still cry because i miss you
i still wear your t-shirt to sleep

you're meaner than my demons

when it's five in the morning and all i can imagine is your hands against my skin it becomes so hard to even breathe

your hand brushed against mine when i went to open the door
your hand brushed against mine when i turned on the radio
maybe it was a sign
you gave me a hug that day
for 15 seconds i felt safe
you dried my tears that day
i remember the feeling of your thumb on my cheek
maybe it was a sign

when i told you i wanted you forever
i was giving you a piece of my soul
theres a boy who thinks he wants that piece of my soul
he should know that i am insane
i can hear them whisper but
i had told you i wanted you forever
you couldn't say it back
i can't wake up
i wish this were a dream

i saw you in my dream last night
your fingers traced the freckles on my thighs
i never knew something could be so wrong
but feel so right
i woke up remembering your eyes
wishing you weren't hours away
your fingers traced my lips
i woke up remembering those nights
laying next to you
wishing you loved me too

i tie your kiss around my wrist
i pull the knot extra tight
i can't let it go

scars are just another type of memory but all of my scars scare me
some deep, some thin
some from yesterday,
some within
these lines each have a story
some because i deserved it,
some because i couldn't handle it

the last time i saw you,
i could hear my heart breaking
i felt it between us,
the distance
i tried to stay hopeful,
i saw it in your eyes
how did we get to this point,
it was like the timing was off
you were thunder,
i was lightning

the first time you told me how you felt you were drunk
i was holding the neck of a bottle of bacardi
we kept taking shots
you held my face

"you're so beautiful"

you'd tell me to look at you
i wish i could've said something
i wish could've walked out the door

              "im so sorry"

you called me baby
i wasn't yours but i could be

"you're so beautiful"

               "ill always be here"

i didn't speak for a minute
i couldn't believe i was living

by the time i finished the bottle
and you finished your beers
i promised myself i wouldn't believe a word you said
i grabbed your hands and you clutched me
like a stairway railing
we walked to your room
i had to help you take your contacts out

"i like you so much"
    
                "why were you dancing with him"

i fell in love with you
i fell in love with that feeling
i fell in love with your slurred words, your blurry eyes

i didn't mean to fall in love that night

you've never felt heartbreak until you have heard the tears
rolling down your cheek, you haven't said a word to anyone in days
you can't pick up your razor, your hands are too weak
your hands can still feel his hands
you're wearing his sweater from a night you'll always remember
you can't handle the fact that it should be hurting you more than this
you've felt alone for so long now
you've never felt heartbreak until you have to wrap the caution tape
around, and around your heart

the first time i met you, i had a beer in my hand
i pretended like a beer was enough to hush the voices in my head
i sat down next to you
you asked me if i wanted anything stronger, so i made my own
i didn't know your name
you were singing, you were laughing, you were smiling at me
you told me your name
i told someone i was good at pingpong
you told me you wanted to play me
i sat there hoping that it'd be tonight
you were smiling at me
i couldn't stop looking at you
my phone kept buzzing, the guy i thought i loved thought he loved me
you asked me to follow you downstairs
i couldn't play ping pong for ****
you kept smiling, i kept shaking
i kept drinking
i kept drinking
i kept pretending like you didn't interest me
i don't remember the rest of the night
all i could do was hope
hope for another night with you
i kept drinking
you kept smiling

everywhere I go I keep a bottle in my purse
I hear the rattling of each pill
I hear the motion of the pills
around and round
around the orange canister they go
off to sleep
I go
the orange
the orange reminds me of a hot summer day
the sun beating down
burning my cheeks
melting my heart
I feel something
I feel so ice cold
without the orange
without the rattling

put your oxygen mask on
before you assist others

it was pouring down rain but i could still feel the tears rushing down my face. i sat on my driveway looking at the stars.

every face i see, they can't see through me
they can't see the mask
the smiling and the laughing just covers everything up
everyday i put on a layer
i put on my nice clothes
i try to put on my smile
i try to make myself fit in
each person that talks to me, the mask is still
invisible
the mask
i paint it every day
i put it in
i put on the clothes i put on the attitude

but, when will they see the real me?