a place in the past resting quiet
never forgotten
immortal immobile
glowing brightly
through all the years
through smiles and tears
now, through wrinkles
chapped lips
hurting knees
broken dreams
all seems
so innocently
perfect.
But, that I am looking
back, through
rose colored glasses.

overload of senses like a hurricane
this town has never seen before
and i’m pleading for a sweet release
but no one tastes quite as sweet as you
(nor as bitter for that matter)
memories contaminating my dreams
and there’s smoke in my halls everyday now
as i light fires,
attempting to cleanse the air around me
from everything that breathes you
and i’ve cut myself more than once
on the sharp opinions you left me with
i wish you hadn’t said you still loved me
so that all the dim uncertainties
would not have built homes around my heart
feeding on my soft spots like it’s an occupation
building weight on my chest
inciting panic, though i have
plenty of that already
forbidden love like a ******* dramatic play
and you’ve left a light in your window
that i simply cannot keep
i’ll sing you sonnets as long as you live
but distance is a murderer in the quietest of ways
and i’m still digging through the dirt with my bare hands
hoping for a salve to the wounds we’ve self inflicted
and maybe with time the pain will subside
but you’re planted deeper than either of us could have expected
uprooting you would be the death of me
so i’ll settle for silent days and sleepless nights
ebbing aches in my bones as every inch
of me longs for you
and i’ll hope that every time your hand reaches out for something
it shakes slightly
wishing it was reaching out for me.

-*k.c.

i need to stop treating my mind like a punching bag
i need to take rests and drink water
stop staying up late at night
digging through the past,
knowing i'll never be a first kiss to anyone
-it shouldn't matter, it doesn't-
but do you think about her?
(she was prettier than me)

Possibility A:
I still love you-
(Hip Hip Hooray!)
I pretend that I'm okay,
but I'm not the same soldier...
...now that I'm older.

It's all in vain,
turning on the porch light.
And it's only right,
that I dream that you would come home,
or change overnight.

Love overall
relates to a prescription thrill:
I want to feel good,
as long as it doesn't ****.

Under the tree,
doused in gasoline.
I would have burned for you
for however many rings.
For however many rings.

Possibility two:
I would have loved you,
the best that I could,
until my lungs would collapse.
And I would have pulled you
out of the car crash.

But I watched blood stain,
while trying to save you.
But it was washed by rain,
as you grew blue.
I didn't know what to do.

I waited for the ambulance,
the sirens blue and red.
Did they know that I loved you?
Did I know you were already dead?

Your breath still lingers,
swarming in the night air.
And I still feel your fingers-
God, it isn't fair.
God, it isn't fair.

And you would have loved me,
under falling tree branches.
And I would have kept you warm,
after avalanches.
After avalanches.

I would have kissed you,
as the snow crushed.
And I wouldn't have missed you,
if my hands rushed.
If my hands rushed.

Possibility last:
It's all in the past.

It's
all
in
the past.

It’s 1:09 in the morning. I can’t sleep, haven’t been able to in months.
Now it’s 1:10 in the morning, I’ve been trying to put my thoughts together.
I wrote a song about you today, I say that like it’s not the millionth one.
When I hear your name I have flashbacks of your smile, and your eyes.
Those eyes tell a story, one even the greatest of storytellers couldn’t portray.
But I know it all by heart, well what I have left of my heart.
However, you’re not to blame for the broken heart.
I blame myself and my late realization that you were the one holding me together.
It’s been 1 year, and 5 months since we ended things.
I fear the pain has only gotten worse.
Two parts of me died when you left, an evil, never satisfied with what I have part, and the part of me my mother misses most.
If I could explain what I mean by that I would, but it seems to me it’s more than any of us may ever comprehend.
It’s 1:21 now. It’s been 1 year, 5 months and 12 minutes since I started writing this.
If only I could find the words to say.
Your mother never really liked me, then again I gave her reasons not to.
My mother still loves you, then again you gave her every reason to.
I think about you more than I should. I can’t help it, you’re everywhere.
You’re the sun when it shines down just right, you’re the flowery smell in the breeze.
You’re the quiet girl in the hallway with her headphones in.
You’re the girl singing in my gym class.
At least I see you in the things they do, but they aren’t you.
Nobody ever will be.
Sometimes we talk, I don’t know if that kills me or keeps me alive.
I look at your pictures every day.
There’s 22 I’m too afraid to delete on my phone because i’m sure you’ve deleted yours and I don’t want them gone forever.
I can describe them all in detail.
Sometimes I interlock my fingers and squeeze them together like we did to each other when we held hands.
That sounds absolutely pathetic. But none the less I still do it.
My friends told me I talk about you in my sleep.
I dream about you often, 50% of the time I’m awake when I do.
I still text you names of songs that remind me of you or that I think you would like.
Most of those songs make me cry.
That also sounds pathetic.
It’s 1:45 in the morning, I still can’t sleep.
Now I have been writing this for 1 year, 5 months and 36 minutes.
I don’t think I’ll ever be finished.
I still love you.

i guess we have no future
(at least you know)
so i look outside of the driver's seat window
my hands on the wheel
passing trees and leaves
(everything here will be tainted with your memory)
and i found myself wondering what the hell is the ******* point
if you're already planning to leave me behind
(i almost cried, it stung)
but tonight as i stood to leave, you said
"don't go. just one more minute? don't leave me yet"
so i laid back down and kissed you again
and i change my mind,
there doesn't need to be a ******* point to any of it

the first boy that kissed me without any warning
now kisses a girl that used to be my best friend
he shoved his tongue in my mouth while i was crying
i laughed and said, "this doesn't count"
got on my bike and rode away

the first boy i willingly kissed
i broke up with after letting him finger me for a year without any blow jobs in return (eventually i was comfortable enough with the idea, but ****, how awful of me)
and the summer after he cried over me he got back with his ex
(i was the mistake in the middle of them)

the boy that i kiss now
makes me bite my lip
and i miss him every second he's not around
because this love makes me hysterical
and i never really know what to say at the right time in the right way
so i just press my palm to his face
and hope he gets the message