i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces,
the closer you get to the bottom
the quieter it gets
there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom -
watching the rippling water
and for once,
everything is quiet.

but you can’t inhale under water-
so your time there is limited.

you have to go back to the surface
you have to gasp for air -
you have to continue living in the real world
with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves

and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool.

life finally starts to make sense -
when you’re watching the world
from below the surface.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

i’m starting to dread living again
waking up everyday..
wishing i hadn’t.

i wish i didn’t have depression.

i wish i didn’t want a break from living.

i wish i could get over my head.

i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything.

living to me is so inconvenient.
i don’t want it.

i’ve grown accustomed to my head
learned to function with hating myself but
i just don’t want to do it anymore.

maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this ****.

i don’t even know what this **** is..
it’s sad.
and hopeless.
and exhausting.
and honestly i’m done.
i have been done.
but i have to keep going.
and it absolutely *****.

I’m really sad

and I don’t know if it’s because
of the world?
or if it’s all the natural disasters?
or if it’s just my head?
or if it’s because of this pandemic?
or if my meds are off?
or if it’s because they keep canceling everything that keeps me motivated to stay alive?

I don’t know why I’m sad?
I know one day I am going to look back and miss this part of my life..

yet I can’t enjoy it in the moment.
so I live my life hating myself for being sad when I have so much to be happy about.

then I get more depressed because I know I’m going to be sad in five years when I remember that I didn’t fully enjoy all of the good things in my life,
because I was too busy hating myself for
being so sad.

I know I will look back and remember how my head was filled with dark storm clouds and the stupid forecast told me that those clouds are staying for awhile..

all this rain from the clouds
tears from my eyes
make it hard to see clearly.
I can’t get this bad weather to clear up.

I cry a lot.
I’m just sad.
I’m just really sad.

do you ever feel horribly misplaced..?
or unsettled..?
like you don’t belong here
but not “here” as in location..
but “here” as in breathing/living..?

I shouldn’t have been born tbh.
I used to wish I was dead.
but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place.

growing up my parents always
told me that I was a “surprise”
but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake”

they weren’t planning on another kid.

but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops..
I came 9 months later.

me and my brother are only 16 months apart.
my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25.

she was young
she was tired.
and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day.
and then maybe, just maybe..
I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise
when I was obviously a letdown.
I just wouldn’t exist at all.

sometimes
i think about being a kid again

back when i played tag..
running away from my friends was fun.
i remember how exciting it was to run fast.
i always got an adrenaline rush running away.

back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down,
and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute.
it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate.

back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart,
i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool
or in the sprinklers
or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning
(but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car)

back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents.
because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old.

back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week..

and now it’s different
everything has something motivating it..

as we learn more,
we hurt more
we feel more
and tbh it *****.

because now
i run to prevent a mental breakdown
i run to burn calories

i spin in circles not by choice,
but because life is ****** and confusing
and makes your head spin..
it’s not anything new
i’ve grown accustomed to my mind
losing balance and falling over and over..
the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did.

now a swimsuit has to look flattering
and not show my body too much
because of course,
i’m actually a *******.

now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet
and honestly it’s still not even enough.
never will be

now when i see my parents
i walk up to them
and hug them and say
“hey how are you?”

it’s boring
it’s hard
it’s ******

and i wish i was little
when food was just food

and when running didn’t include
running away from myself

When I was 12
I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain,
we were over looking the painted landscape

I remember looking at our feet in the empty air
and I asked my older sister:
“do you ever just want to jump..?”

She nodded and replied with:
“yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..”

and that is the first time..
that I realized that my head was different.

Because while she was
thinking of jumping to fly..
I was thinking of jumping to die..

and that’s when I started hiding my head lol
followed by a life of hiding self destruction.