im sorry that i could not be someone you love

there is too much blood in my veins
but im not entirely sure it’s all blood
there seems to be another ingredient

why do i constantly feel pain
like the pressure
needs to be drained

so ill skin myself alive and let it flow out
there are no longer restraints
no skin holding my contents together

i simply cannot function
because there is too much blood in my veins
and it runs thick and heavy

my hands are made to build cities
my lips are made to stay shut
my eyes are made to watch carefully
my veins are made to carry others hardships
my legs are made to run from struggle

my soul is made to weep
my mind is made to ache
my heart is made to not stop beating

no matter what

“could you please
pretend that nothing happened
release me from my past as it is holding down my present”

“could you please
pretend that nothing happened
let me see the goodness in others without letting grief set in”

“could you please
pretend that nothing happened
erase all of my bias towards life being pleasant”

“could you please
pretend that nothing happened”

i tell the world with tears in my eyes
because nothing can erase it

if time heals all wounds
then my clock is broken

a deadname is not just a name
it is a person that you want to forget
that person lived the most tragic life
and that person died the most tragic death

“deadname, deadname!!”
the people all shout
but that persons gone, finding their own way about

instead, they were replaced by another
with a more comfortable smiling face
who will follow their own lead
and can be who they want to be

my deadname does not represent ME.

a kid likes drawing
so thats what they do
but they would mess up sometimes
so they scowered for an eraser
and find one to remove their mistake


that kid still likes drawing
so that's what they do
but they mess up sometimes
so they slower for an eraser
but this time they can't find one
because there is no eraser for skin

you were such a beacon of light
i wish that you could hold me tight
just like you used to
and when i replay it, i remember exactly what it was like

the sting of your perfume and the soft ends of your crimson hair
you were always there
your golden necklace that always matched your piercings
i sob whenever i think of our ending

no i never had romantic feelings for you
but there was so much about me that you knew
i desperately craved your love
it felt like a drug

you are the time i mentioned starving myself for a better body
you let me ruin your white dress because my eyes were cloudy
i cried into your shoulder while all you did was hold me
you were late to period 7 because you wanted to support me

you are the time i said that i wish i was never born in the start
you said that that shattered you heart
i grasped your hand as you said that you were there
i couldn't believe that you truly cared

you were the light of my life
i would think about you all night
but you said everything would be okay
and i think that that’s the only lie you’ve ever told me

i am an open wound, the guilt that
you feel after, who you try to hide by covering
your arms. bracelets and jackets and long
pants conceal my identity, and i wish to be
forgotten.

i long to
be normal, i long to be clean
like begging boys, stranded.
i want to be fixed, i want to not
beg to burn hotter than
the light that guides me north
whenever i feel anything that remotely
tickles my heart.

i belong to sharp stars, my favorite
addiction but what some people enjoy ignoring,
slashing through my
skin yet so appealing and beautiful that
i want to devote my life to them.

dear sky, please stop
dropping what is yours

my tears are like a meteor shower
that ends up hurting worse than ever before,
breaking my outer barrier, skinning me until i feel something,
until i feel in control

my laughter is only a distraction,
a facade that i assign to myself because the
last thing i was to be is a bother to someone, to make their
stars fall as well

my heart inside me aches
and sometimes
i can’t control it. i finally let someone
witness
my stars falling like a
dead man from battle hardly
brought to life by a thrashing parachute and
unforgiving wind and
i see their sky try to grab them
but the hot metal is too heavy

above me are the falling stars
and below me are the bloodied remains
my mask begins to slip and shred
until all i know is pain

you hollow out my insides until i cannot breathe
like a blood-thirsty hound dog tearing out my intestines
my body collapses into a shriveled outline of the happy child i once was
guts spewed out along the universe
floating into the sun
to burn into a crisp
and no longer be
now i’m not living
just alive

i can say that i remember her
but i dont think i do
the sweet sentences that replay in my head
are now voiceless, replaced by dread
because i feel the memories floating away from my grasp
but while fleeing
they leave behind a virus, which rots inside my being
grief

the refrigerator light burns my eyes
as i ****** myself into demise
"I should really eat now" i tell myself
because when i look in the mirror i see someone else

but unfortunetly
it is still me

the world goes dark as i close the refrigerator door
and i promise myself “just one more meal- one more”

i thought you forgot about me


because when you were walking
i felt my heart bleed
so i pretend to be busy
my instincts said to flee

i didn’t want to walk next to you there
that has happened before
hand in hand, you told me you care
you let me swim in your warm soul

i raised my gaze
on instinct my eyes find you
and you’re looking at me through the haze
it’s so crazy that it doesn’t feel true


i thought you forgot about me
and all we had

i do not understand why it had to turn out this way

well i do-

but i still dont

i remember your
voice
like it’s a
butterfly

i wont let it
fly, fly  
away


i remember your
touch            
like it’s a                      
ghost

i wont let it                          
float, float                  
away


i remember your        
perfume        
like it’s a                      
fog

i wont let it                        
drift, drift                    
away


i remember your
love
like it’s a
parasite

i wont let it
go, go
away

his spiteful talons push against my throat
the suffocating headlock makes my vision dance
a soothing, soft melody erupts behind my eardrums
i am not to speak the words climbing my esophagus
contain it, lock it deep down
air, the sweet relief of air
now a mystery
i collapse to the floor
blood spitting
down my face
who am i if i can be silenced this easily?