sharing our duty
in ambulance cars
for several months
it took a masked ball
to make us meet

when I helped you
into your coat
in the wee hours
of a crisp December night
I just could not resist
to kiss the soft hair
on the back of your neck

you turned around
and held me close

though we did not
  share a bed that night
this was when we turned lovers
   without words

you were advanced in years
but not in love
so we explored together
a new world of sensations
love and pain and bliss
on benches hidden in the city parks
in my small Spartan student's room
and practically everywhere

our love and our bodies were
an endless source of pleasure
when I first kissed you
in a very tender spot
you simply fainted with delight

then came a perfect summer day
we horsed around in splashing water
when suddenly
   the world went still
our play arrested
   in a frozen moment
   a time warp
     to eternity
you still were close in space
    yet worlds away
distance engraved forever
    as one some Grecian urn



I knew then
I would always be
      alone
to face myself
    at my time's end

later you said
that I had looked
like I had seen a ghost

how right you were
took me some time to recognize

it was the ghost
of my most inner self
looked back at me
   out of the glistening surface
       of the pool
   out of the cloudless summer sky
   out of your loving frightened eyes  

a self that had not then
   and still has not
      I am afraid
the strength to bare
his softness
   to the one he loves
trying to save
a shining image
   crystal clear
but in fact
dimmed long time ago
along the roads of life

perhaps it was this ghost
that made us
   grow    apart

you wanted all of me
   and more of us
while I was still a student
   with a goal
not ready yet
   (would I ever be?)
for close menage á deux
determined but uncertain
   in his quest for ...
   well - in his quest

the flames were hard to quench
a whisp brought embers to a blaze
    by the mere thought of you

we broke
   made up
     only to break again
talked over issues
   faint with sleepless nights
embraced with desperate passion
   for the last time
and then agreed to meet once more

at last we were burnt out
         and
   looking at the ashes
knew that we must have learned a lot
yet felt no wiser

   only  very  
        very  sad

*  *