i was born to the rain
and yet still i find myself
drowning
in a sea
my storms
have created.

Withdrawing and flipping and
Flopping my way through the days
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue

He tells me it has a black box warning
He tells me it'll be over soon
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call

Eyes that glaze over glassy and opaque
Will it be my hands or my voice
Everything shakes

The skeletons of the things I have given up remain in the closet of my mind collecting dust
Things that once held such importance, such promise, such wonder are now discarded pieces of brighter life
Times pointless arrow destroys the new things that try to make a home here
All of the wonderful, beautiful things I have loved and built an imaginary life on are busted and broken
I doubt my fingers remember how to hold a pencil in a way that could sketch a new world to escape to
And that’s just one

there's nothing i can do more but write,
hoping i'll eventually run dry
and have no more to say for you
and for all that we had.
i'm hoping i'll get tired of looking at you from afar,
and wishing we had more time.
i'm hoping i'll villanize you enough
to hate what you've done to me,
and what you've succeeded, unknowingly.

you really hurt me this time,
deeply.
all your words came crashing down,
like a bomb that deployed into a million missiles.
the target was one,
me,
but the casualty was millions --
millions of pieces of my heart breaking,
the first time i've ever felt it do so.
your words pierced like a hundred arrows
that werent aimed at me,
yet i bled,
because i was in the way,
and it got me anyway.

one day i'll get over you,
and i'll walk away from all this mess,
with a smile.
but for now, i'm drowning,
unable to breathe,
or swim away from the destruction.
and even though you've set me free,
and that i should look at the bigger picture,
my mind can't help but be in the details.
one day,
i'll forget.
one day,
you won't be here in me.
one day,
i'll be okay.

I felt it again

they say if you love something, you should let it it go.
if it comes back to you, it was always yours
if it doesn't return, it was never yours to begin with
you've came and gone so many times that i've let you turn this home into a hotel room,
let you turn the bomb shelter of my arms into just another pair of limbs -
let you leave a vacancy between my fingers where yours once intertwined with mine like a promise.

these days i keep a lock on the door,
guard my heart with my arms crossed.
I keep my hands to myself.
they say if you love something, you should let it go
sometimes letting someone go is the same thing as pushing them away
sometimes letting someone go means holding onto yourself
sometimes letting go means not letting them return,
no matter how hard it is to lose something that once belonged to you.

I used to write
My secrets in the sand,
Knowing they would never stay
Long enough to be told.

I used to just swim,
pulled my hair up and never
Really tasted the salt that foamed
After the crash.

I've ran in the sand,
Sure, but never have I
Ever let it smooth my
Skin into what it could be.

Before today, I've never
Let the current take me
Under and feel what it's like
To always come back to something.

Blank journal pages:
All have dates, but instead of writing,
you just stared for ages
as your pen left a black inky pool.

I could lose myself in that pool
I dip my fingers in ink
and stare at the swirls
as I try not to let myself sink

im jealous of everyone and i feel empty these days