When I feel the sun striking my shoulders, My cheeks
When I feel the sweat trickling down my Forehead and my lungs gasping for air,
Expanding and compressing,
My throat burning,
Screaming for the water I left at home,  when my legs ache and I feel a sort of
Hunger in my belly
And my ankles are no longer stable,
And when I look up and curse
The cloudless sky

I stop.
I find grass and look up at the cloudless sea of blue above me and the bright sun that's turned my skin to freckles.
And I remember that this is my cloudless sky, my yellow sun.  

I remember that only for one second will I be able to experience the world exactly how it is right now.  And never again in my numbered days will I see a blue sky and shining sun at one o'clock on July twentieth as a fifteen year old girl.

This life is mine and I will make the most of every day I'm allowed to have it.

You
are the greatest treasure of my life.

I chose to be brave and indulge myself
in the most volatile, strange
voyage.

A kind of journey that brings amazing highs,
sometimes tragic lows,
just like the waves and tides.

But the desire of acquiring you,
my treasure,
is so great that there is no way
I would shift my sails.

Your heart changes seasons too quickly
For my wildflower soul.

Closed tight and green,
Every day you showered me
With kisses.
You let me feel the warmth
Of your sunshine lips,
Allowed me to
plant my roots
in your steady breath.

You coaxed me,
Warmed me,
Loved me
into blooming.

Still every day you thank me
For showing you my velvet petals
And praise me
For my soft shade of pink.

I could only have bloomed
For you.

"Bride style", I say.
Carry me to the bed
Like you would your forever love.

Chrysanthemum,
Rose,
Buttercup.
Each morning he would guess a floret that might match
Her loveliness.
And every night,
When he pulled her close under
Periwinkle sheets
He would admit defeat.
"Of course how foolish I've been!
No Chrysanthemum can compete
With the way your velvet lips flood pink
After I kiss you, my love.
Not even the brightest rose
can compare to the sunshine
that pours from your soul
every day, my darling."

Forget running my hands down your body,
My love.
Fumbling to undo buttons,
My fingers
Mapping cities on your chest.  
Forget the crimson kisses
And the velvet of my breast
In your palm.

Because we're only where we are now.  

That is...

Far                                                       ­     Away
                          
    
                           From Love.

Closer.
Let me be warm
By your fireplace chest.
Give me the sweetness
Of your collarbone kisses.
Let me sleep, hidden
In your safe arms.

In every kiss and breath and word
Is laced
A question.
Stitched carefully, delicately in.

Do you always love me?
(Every second, minute, hour?)

How long will you stay?
(Stay forever, janu,
But go if you're going.)

When will your ripe passion for me return?
(Not for my body, but for my heart,
My love.)

Never is there an answer.

Because its true.

Boys
Can't
Take
h
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         t
           s

I will be the rich earth
You plant your strawberry kisses in.
I will be the salty waves
You go to when you need peace.
I will be the roots in the soil
From which you can grow strong
And tall.
And I will be love.

You sweep my hair back,
Nestle your lips into my shoulder.
Sweet and gentle
Kind and soft.
You plant your kisses like this.

I carry your gardens on my shoulders,
My love.

I didn't realize that only strings of hope
Held me together.

It was all for you...
And now I've fallen apart.

I desire tulips from my love.
Carefully placed on the nightstand,
Just close enough so my open window pushes their perfume
Towards me.
You would get the pink ones,
Because you remember me telling you,
"These are my favorite."
In the grocery store last week.


You could leave me a 4a.m. voicemail.
"I woke up and I missed you."
Only to surprise me at 11 o' clock,
Cover my eyes,
Wear your black checkered shirt,
And pull me into a passionate I-missed-you-so-much-these-mornings-without-you-are-unbearable kind of
Kiss.

And you would think of all of it.
All that I wanted.

But...youre too busy and me?
I am
Hopelessly
Romantic.

You tell me you will love me more
Tomorrow.
And tomorrow
And tomorrow.
You will kiss me
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
"When things are right," you say,
"When I'm happy, when you're happy".

But all I want
Is a kiss
For today.

He told me over and over
"I love you."
"I love you so much Pearl."
"I love you."

He named every piece of me.
*******, hips, thighs, stomach.
"Youre so soft and beautiful."
He kissed all of me so sweetly.

My body was pink and warm and flushed.
We cried and kissed.

We make love this way.

Eventually
The hope of someone new
Touching my heart
Was more than the fear
Of never again feeling
Your red kisses.

I'm told that the right kind of love
Is the kind filled with passion.
But to not lose my head to my heart?
Oh if only.
Passion
Can be exhausting.

You smile because
every time I see you
my eyelids start to get heavy within minutes.  
i spent an hour on my hair,
but i always find myself with my head
on the pillow close to  
you.

You heart beats soft and warm.
And I cant help
But fall asleep.

I still find ways to see my future
In your eyes.
My child on your hip,
Soft kisses on cold nights,
Arguing over the kitchen tile
Because you always liked
The white ones.

I know how to force love on my lips
Now.

I always did want to be
The jewel on your crown.
Patient and kind and
Beautiful.
But I need your kind of polish these days.
A bit of time
Maybe.

Tell me.
Should I begin to open my windows,
Let the fresh air in,
Instead of waiting for you
To bring the smell of spring?

Should I decorate my cheeks
With my youth and life,
Certainty and confidence,
Or with your tired kisses?

Tell me, teach me
How to fix this.
Teach me
How to leave you.

I remember feeling delicate
And safe.
My cheeks were pink and flush
And I could feel your warmth
On every inch of me.

You told me my hair smelled like jasmine.

Everything about me reminds me of you.
I feel your lips tracing my collar bone,
Your words slip off my tongue,
My legs crave to open
To your touch.

I want to mold myself into a shape
You've never felt
And re-color myself
In a way you've never seen.

You loved me and waited and every word you spoke to me was full of passion.
And love.

I didnt know.
I needed time to fall in love like that!
I needed time and trust and you needed nothing.
You just knew
You loved me.

Now Im with you.
15 months.
And I love you more than I ever knew I would.
And I wait and I love and I am passionate and its clear that my life
Is yours.
But there's no passion left for me
Anymore.

We missed each other.

Hi, Im Pearl
And Im addicted to over thinking.

This year
I am green and new and certain.
I am warm and pink,
Deep and soft as your crimson kisses.  
Bold as the spring wind gracing my open arms.

He taught me
That its much easier to leave
Than it is to wait and say
Goodbye.

Your kisses stole the poem
Off my lips.

Your voice
Is the soft, warm blanket
I sleep under in rainy days.

It is the nostalgic smell
Of the heater turning on for
The first time in the winter.  

It is the comforting lap of my parents
I would find solace in sitting on
When I was small.

It is a warm shower after
A snow flurry hurried me
in from the cold.

It is my safe place,
The rumbling of your sweet mountain voice
And the accent of the land from which you came.

Let me hear it only once more as I drift off to
S
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