One X on the calander and a cup of luke warm coffee
The sidewalk chalk is like padlocks on my feet,
But they cant stop me
Through a static phone line, I can still hear you talking
Nothing of the nice sorts-
It is impure and not godly

Your perception of me slips through the cracks of you teeth
Bitter and raw things you breathe
Your voice is muddy and meek
Another X on the calander
Not a lot of sleep in between

I am wondering where your love went, because it doesnt live here
How many Xs on the calander?
A few weeks? A month? A year?
Both the liquor and the answer is clear

Long car rides spent swallowing sentences
Its a muffled radio, singing along with the tention
Where did you heart go? Every beat a lease of absence
Where did you put it? In a drawer or a cabnet?
How many Xs on the calander will it be till I once again have it

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Inscripted with the carving of memories
Do you ever think of me?
A seal of forever brought together by blood from a ***** of a finger
Sisters
Disregarding names or blood and made eachother our own
Because family wasn't always there
Life never left us alone for long,
It dropped you into my lap
And I had always been proud of that
Because in a world full of nothing,
At least I had that

It isnt fair
That life is a game of volley ball and it picked you for the other team
After all the apple juice boxes and scraped knees
I never thought you'd be playing against me
Dropping the ball so carelessly
A score for you, as it always is
It has always been
Maybe I was more of a decoration then a friend- a trophey of loyality
A prized possession for the admiration of a life long friendship
Im another swish in the basket
Our friendship only exsists in a casket
Because it is dead and I cant get past it

It was life long, that was what was said
Under a swing set
Pinky swears and truth or dares
Turned to silence and hurtful glares
Its hard to break the ice when you are so cold
I dont want to hear about the hearts you break,
Hearts of gold
For goodness sake-
But none could hurt more than mine
It hurts every ******* time I look at you
And dont like what I see,
The pain your bringing to yourself and me
Hasnt been so welcoming

But I remember how the class bell would ring-
How we'd run down the steps, how we'd laugh and sing
So tell me, do you ever think of me?
I am alone with an empty swing
A lifetime of friendship didnt mean a thing
When the grasp of a a males hand will always be stronger than me
When we said boys would never be a thing that would come between
I miss when we thought they had cooties
***** me, and sue me
For thinking I had the upper hand
I'll never understand

Being the exception of the rule
You made everyone the fool-
Thinking I was special when the only one who was special was always you
I look into your eyes and I am confused
Because it isnt you
At least thats what I want to think
And what you want me to believe
Out of all the things you held to be so important
It was never me

Only when life was young and free,
Without the threshold of responsiblity
But don't come and say you need things from me,
I won't be made to be
A fool you want me to be

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Trees that are wilting, and our intitals will be the only thing
That is ever lasting
And all I can hear is you laughing
Overlapping the time that has been passing
And its time for me to move faster
Away from you,
Because you're a distaster
Because a romance, or a fling,
Will only be the thing that is happily ever after
And of course I will never be that
So I will tip my hat to you
I will no longer be used by you
Or used because I've been dared
To embrace the truth

So **** these trees as I burn them to their roots-
Like my roots came from you
Pinky swears were broken
And I DARE you to tell me the TRUTH
If you were lying when you said you would be there,
Or that you didnt really know or care
If you really dropped the ball,
Or maybe it was me that didn't play fair
So why would you pick me
When your classmates wanted better for the team
And I just didnt make the cut

Linked by the arm,
The Bonnie to my Clyde
Our names always stitched together
Always by my side
Your name was always on my tongue and your home became mine,
Our families knew us by name
And nothing could seperate us
Except time..

The tallys on your wall
In your old house have gotten taller
And thats fine, except its not
It went from smoking ***
And climbing trees
To scraping you off the sidewalk
Trying to get answers
When you're too gone to talk
And I am left without clarity,
Or closure,
And missing you a lot

A ***** pickled brain
Maintains the decisons that you make
The toxicity of your life leaks into mine
Because no matter the distace,
Our lives are intertwined
Blood from the ***** of a finger
Sisters
Where the bond was stronger then blood
When do I cut these ties?
When will enough be enough?
Or will you have me back in a strum?
In a musical hum?

Reaping for attention,
But you haven't been asking for mine
A sunk battle ship.
A game of hide and seek,
Except this time you didn't find me.
A game of hooky,
But I was the one being ditched
A game of truth or dare,
But you ran when the truth hit
You won this game of Clue,
But you have no way to prove it
You've hit me with your bumper car,
And I think its time to move it
We're no longer kids-
And its lazer tag,
Except you're using bullets
I have to except you're out of control
And can not control it

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees,
Old inside jokes, and silly things
Our giggling filling up the room when we were supposed to be asleep
Swingsets and secret places
Happy songs and silly faces
Wishing we could meet back here
In these sacred places
But I don't expect you to pick up the phone

A swingset,
And I'm swinging alone
Initials carved in old trees,
Thank god thats everlasting
In a world that's everchanging
But thats all that will be-
For the path your walking is too scary for me, so I will stay behind

Alone

On a swing

People swerving in and out of my life
Like a drunk driver
These people are carwrecks
And there are no survivors
But I never thought I'd see you
Behind the wheel

Ive cried a tear for each person I have loved
I've planted seeds in a graveyard of memories
That I can only visit when I am brave enough
Because I never thought they'd leave-
There are still alive and breathing
No candles or flowers can relieve me
Because bits and peices
Are dead to me

With rose colored shades you placed on my face
I couldn't see the ugly colors beyond
The pretty,
And the pink
For the nights we howled at the moon
Went by too soon
And on the otherside of the shades
You never even saw me
I was a stepping stone,
A thing in between
Where you wanted to be
And you're not sorry

You are a ghost in my chest,
And its haunting
How quickly a bond thicker than blood
Can bleed out
When you've ripped up your own skin
Trying to find out
If our hearts would still go out to you

I was a stepping stone
I was the sign
Pointing to home
I was the journey,
Dropped off at the destination
And left all alone
I am still carrying your bags,
Its such a heavy load
You can have them back
Here you go

No wonder, it must be hard to think
With such a one track mind
You are not stupid,
Or blind
You have eyes
But you have never seen us
You took our love
And kept it,
Will always have it
But enough,
Is enough

Tough love

In a dark room-
I thumble for answers
For abuses
Folded cornors in books
To look
For excuses
As I trip on my words
And fall on my face
Not like you would care
About what I'd say
In the first place
Its a scream in an empty space
Its an empty look on your face

Sharp light from a cop car-
A look from the officers eye
Cut me up inside,
Because this is it
Isn't it?
It's time,
No more shooting in the dark-
Have to hit the light
See you for what you are
And leave you behind
I broke my back for you,
You stabbed it with a knife

I never knew
If I saw the good in you
Or it was just an excuse,
Because of love,
What I thought it was
Or could be,
I wanted you to love me
But you don't love anything
Every ounce of love
Was a shot in the dark
And you
Shot my heart

I'll tell you all about
How I blame the stars
And astrology

For my behavior
Knowing my apologies
Won't be doing any favors

Yeah, no favors
But let me tell you
You are my favorite

I have been here
And there, from the dirt
To the pavement

How?

Its been a mental trip
Are you over it, my love?
Did you get sick from the swings?

Oh, but it's the stars you see!
Count them 1, 2, 3!
Can I blame them?

Or could I possibly blame me?
Possibly- but I'm more like a flip
Of a terot card

More like a star on the boulevard,
Praised- but stepped on
Always under someone else's foot

Now

I can see you, can you hear me?
I'll announce it to the sky tonight
I really love you dearly

My head is a polluted sky
I can't see clearly,
So look closely

You love me
Because you know me,
You really do, and maybe

I'm alright,
Because I am alright to you
Though I have thrown meteors

Too much into one,
All too much for two
Its true, I know

Oops,

BOOM

Could we be done?
Nah, you're the big bang, baby
And my worlds revolves us

A whole lot of love
And you are all that I've got
To show for it

Now

I am sorry for all the times
I loved you
Without you knowing it

In this short state of living-
Met many galaxies
None of them forgiving,

But you
Are a star
Thats living

Wow

1 breakdown in
2 different bathroom stalls with
3 layers of mascara dissolved

1 chance and I gave into
2 stupid words that separated the
3 hearts involved

1 cigarette turned to
2 turned to
3 turned till none left at all

“1 drink” I said until it was
2 in the morning, the liquor settling the
3 mistakes I made in the summer

1 month, to lead the other
2 months just hoping it'll be better for
3 without even

1 breakdown, no I'll have
2 minutes to calm down
3 breaths, in and out

1 chance and I blew it,
2 shots to the throat left
3 stomach turning down falls

1 friend turned to
2 friends turned to
3 turned till none left at all

1 loud voice silenced the
2 quiet voices telling me the
3 things that I need to face, to see

But don't tell me
It's as easy
As 1, 2 ,3

Alcohol becomes
More celebratory
Than a birthday cake-
Blowing out a candle from the ends of my
Cigarette,
Stuff it out in the frosting
There's a party waiting
But it's just
Me and you
Lets make people remember us
While we forget
Just have a few,
Band-Aids over the
Bleeding wound
While the band plays,
While the party is confused
Doing no favors for them,
Or for you

I don't want to be “that girl” again,
The target of their dagger eyes-
That triggers their mouths,
Hanging around-
Waiting like a time bomb
A subject for their savage grins-
I'm the unfinished sentence
That keep them laughing,
While the lights dim- when music
Is a bouncing hum,
I'm the roar of the traffic
Swerving over shoulders,
Dodging your
“Hello”
Spitting out a
“Goodbye”
From the holes in my teeth
The inconclusive tragedy  
What happens now?

Anxiety is a twisted writer
I feel it tapping on the keys
Tick-tick-ticking
From the lips of these time bombs
Teeth held in their open jaws-
A silent applause for me
When I leave,
Because this party
Isn't doing any favors for you,
And no favors for me
Curtains closed,
End scene
Is this how it plays out?
Oh, uneducated anxiety,
Who gave you the right
Or the degree
To decide how this
Would play out for me

Maybe I want to do these things
Dress up
Actually feel pretty
Genuinely, with dignity
Smile without a cigarette between
My gritted teeth, my sleepless face
Maybe I want to go to a party someday
Feeling more like a person,
Less like pray in an open field
Or without needing a crutch,
A little alcohol in the blood
To silence the ticking time bombs
I want to dance in this warzone
Without the risk of being shot
By their wicked tongues,
That may even speak kindly of me,
But you don't want me to see that

It's just you and me
Can't loosen the strings you have on me
This party is doing no favors for you,

Or for me

So let's just leave