I hope that a day comes when you see my name on the cover of a book.

Maybe you'll be in a store with your wife,
your eyes will catch a glimpse of the letters that spell who I am, but you'll pretend to have forgotten me.

Your wife will wrinkle her nose in disgust and shoot daggers into your back.

Later she would say she forgot something she didn't and run to the nearest store to buy my book and feverishly scan for your name.

Her name.

I can't say how she'd feel when it isn't your letters that appear in print, but your soul.

I really just want to sleep for the rest of my life
Or at least
for the next few years.
I don't know what to do.
I really need help,
but I can't get it
without telling someone.
And that's what I can't do.
This isn't a poem.
I'm just freaking out.
And trying to pretend I don't
have any problems.

I took him to our little spot that over looks interstate 70, the spot that almost seems like a secret.
I thought he'd be impressed, maybe say,
this is cool.
Instead he asked,
did you ever take anyone else here?
I stumbled and said. No.
I'm pretty sure I didn't even stop. I just turned right around.
It felt empty and sad without you anyway.
I've never been back since.
But I always look down that road when I drive by, like I'm hoping to see you somehow.

It's October 4th.
It's been about a week since I posted my last poem.
Which is kind of odd for me. I usually write almost every day.
But, I haven't been doing well lately.
My depression and anxiety are higher than ever.
In the last month I've lost more hair than in the last year.
I can't keep up with my bills.
I am barely able to feed myself.
I haven't been taking care of myself.
I need a hair cut, to clean my house, go to the dentist, get birth control pills.
My life is an actual mess.
When I'm not at work, I'm sleeping or stressing about where my next "meal" is going to come from.
I'm paying for everything for my boyfriend on an income that actually only barely supports one person.
He won't go get a real job, but I have to make sure I spend hundreds of dollars a month on **** so he can be happy staying at my house all day and night.
I keep hoping that once this year is over, that maybe. Just maybe. My life will turn around.
That this is just a rough patch. That it will end.
But.... Will it?

There is nothing sexier than honest words.
That's what you've always given to me.
Boy, you're so easy to fall in love with.
On my worst days when I feel so alone,
I remember that time you were leaving for the summer and I couldn't let you go.
I hugged you so tight, and couldn't stop kissing your lips.
I needed you so bad back then.
I truly don't know what would have happened to me without you being there to monitor my drinking, make me laugh, call me out on my ******* yet giving me the affection I needed and never forcing it onto me.
****. I miss you.
Do you remember when I would call you the human dictionary?
You always knew the answer; the right thing to say.

I'm home from work now.
It's 6:19 in the morning.
News center 7 is on the TV telling us the weather.
The high is 87, abnormally warm for this time of year.
Fall begins tomorrow.
My favorite part of my after work routine includes smoking some ****, it helps me get to sleep. If you work thirds you know how hard it can be to settle down.
But this morning I am drinking a Henry's hard soda. Orange.
Weird time to drink, yeah. But. It feels necessary.
I have an empty stomach and I'm sipping it fast. I'm gonna be buzzed.
Already calming down, feeling my eyes get heavy.
I'm going to smoke a cigarette and ignore the news in the background for a little longer.

I had a dream about him last night that left a bad taste in my mouth.
I don't know why, but I was with a girl I never hang out with,
and then he walked in and kissed her.
I was silent. But instantly angry.
Angry because in my dream he was doing it again, but with another girl.
Which is basically my worst nightmare because that would prove to me that we were nothing.
I was nothing.
He would just be a horrible person.
I woke up upset like it had really happened.
It was weird, but I'm glad it was all in my head.

Sometimes I don't know if it's because I'm from the mid-west where everyone gets married and has babies before 21,
or if it's because I've always been a hopeless romantic;
but I want true out of this world love.
I want someone to want to marry me.
I'm neutral on kids right now though.
I need someone that falls in love with me every day, over and over.
Marriage to me, means finally finding that person that completes you.
Truly.
Like, finding the missing piece that was taken when you were born, and placed into this other person.
You're soul mate.
I take it very seriously. And that's why I don't think I'll ever even be asked.

Mid-western kids rebellious with ideas.
Trying to make it on our own,
while holding onto youth.
A sea of twenty somethings finding themselves, getting lost in love.
Anxiety.

You should be engaged by now,
when do you want to have kids?
What's your 5 year plan?

Just a few questions we dodge every day,
trying to be yourself when everyone wants you to be someone else.

For the first time in four years,
I don't feel like I'm in love with any of the guys I used to miss.
In fact, I'm over it.
Over them.
But I can't tell where my current boyfriend is in all of this.
I feel lonely when he sits right next to me because he's always playing video games. We don't even sleep together, and when we do have ***, I give everything and get nothing.
I don't know, I'm lonely.
I feel like I'm walking through life alone.
And I think I always will.
Nobody can love me like I can love them.

I am so physically sick of this horrible feeling in my stomach every day.
It forces tears to just waterfall out of my eyes.
And I can't stop.
It feels better.
I feel more than ever that I need someone to take care of me.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Ha ha ha ha.
Please dismiss every poem on here
if you ever get around to wondering what is going on in my life.
I'm great.
I don't even miss you.
Or any of the other ******* who have come in and out.
Who just dropped by because they were curious about what my naked body looked like.
Not that they actually cared about ME.
Oh wow.
I can't believe it took me this long to realize.
All guys actually really ******* ****.
Why couldn't I have been born gay?

I am going to try to spend the next hour stress free.
Not wondering who I'm supposed to be.
I won't think of you, or him,
or if I'll ever see you again.
For the next hour I won't care.
I won't look at my passenger seat wishing you were there.
I'll watch the sun rise,
and color appear
and for once not wish you were here.

There's something dangerous about listening to old love songs in the wee hours of the morning,
when you have nothing to do but remember.
These songs changed my life, and were there when I fell for him.
This odd, handsome, frightening guy that became a part of my life, so unexpectedly.
I'll never forget how nice he has been to me, and how he would stay up all night, drinking, and smoking and just being my companion when I needed one most.
I never meant to fall in love, either did he.
We never said it, it was just understood.
Whatever it was, was beautiful. And helpful.
I have never grown so much in just a few months.

I day dream about standing in front of a mirror and shaving all my hair off.
I can't stand looking at it anymore. I don't even like when it touches me.
And people would think I've gone crazy, and finally someone steps up to take care of me.
I get time off work, my bills are paid, debt gone, food in the fridge, medical marijuana.
And I just get to.. Heal.