f - Hello Poetry

f Jan 2023

ordinary

full of words
and spilling tears
I could pretend to be okay for days,
but nowhere
am i near

i miss my sister and i don't know how to cope...

f Oct 2022

every bit, every tiny bit
i can feel the elephant foot through
my chest, there is
little to no breath, can i stop?
god, if there is anything for me
please don’t make it wait longer
tell my future i won’t be coming
earth is not my place, not anywhere i’ve been
this is too much
half my day i want to scream on the top of my lungs
for help, for solitude, for no one
why am i not heard yet?

maybe i should tell someone
that my room is a mess like my head
and i can’t keep it still, slowly filling my hands
with anything i can find, i wont rest
i cant rest
i can’t let me go
i have to become my future
i promised i won’t go
i promised things i can’t keep
just let me go, my lungs have
and the blood swells my chest
my eyes aren’t smiling
im sorry im not joyful like i used to be

so joyful, it killed me.

its not you, i promise

#elephant #food #chest #breath #stop #god #anything #wait #future #earth

f Aug 2022

captive

so much weight i can’t carry longer
day after day my mind wanders
will i find it the same?
or was it seldom
a gaping crack
big enough, it grew big enough
to remind me of caution
of the unexpected at miles ahead
tell me if i was true
living in oblivion is my only escape
i cant deal with the world
so i turn 10 years old again
my thoughts command and say
but my heart overcomes its grip
can this not be true?
can i not be in this much despire?
am i right or was i not good enough?
questions roam my head like foam
i’ll turn to foam if i drown in this

i’d like to shed without sympathy
don’t say sorry, don’t tell me to stop
let me be a human for a day
i’ll be myself tomorrow
reality has to be an intruder
into my fabricated mind
i’m a crime committed too long ago
i should be kept away but i’m here in the open
this isn’t good for me, or you
why should i hide when it’s better to heal
but i cant! i cant bring myself to deal yet
i hadn’t thought of this in too long
i haven’t griefted properly
i haven’t shed a tear yet.

lately i’ve been overthinking about things that happened to me, particularly one. I realize that I used to be very mature for my age when i was 8-10 and I wanted to become more childish when i got older because i’ve never gotten to experience things like normal kids do because i have a set of rules to follow n stuff yk.

i’m maturing and it’s scaring me because now i haven’t done none of the things i wanted to and i will never because this is my last chance at being 16. i won’t be young again, toying with the idea of life being so full and awaiting me with open arms. no, i won’t.

f Jul 2022

once upon a time

i feel the heat in my cheeks
and from your hands
say it again
when i sleep
when i lay on fields
when i pick on the pedals
whisper it in my ear when we're alone
to me, it lost its meaning, becoming
an overused invaluable phrase
something everyone expects but never gets
i did for sure, and learned my lessons
but from you, it was different
nothing less than my shooting star wish
i landed on the right pedal
you say it when you are
when i think you're not, but you mean it
but you always remind me
and show me you do,
i do too.

im drowning in a field of flowers when im with him, more when im looking at him. he's my heartbeat. i finally have my fairytale!

i wrote "...,becoming" because it took time to be what it is today and to me.

#love #him #pedals #fields #heat #cheeks #hands

f Jul 2022

thoughts

like an ocean during a storm
its never calm
whether I'm here
or with you in the moment
its rivers don't stop flowing
i have to endure
its constant screaming
for help. for peace, for silence!
i ask you to be quiet
for one minute, please
stop your cries!

do i have to crease existence
for you to crease this
piercing noise?

there was a day when i couldn't sleep.
i couldn't because i was thinking of so many things and my mind would just continue throwing intrusive thoughts at me when i tried to pacify it.
it was so intolerable, i had to take my first sleeping pill. i don't like pills.

f Jun 2022

love letters

i write and write
day and night
about the blissfulness
of you, and me
in perfect harmony,
when we're together

in every verse
i write my love out
sing my heart out
you make me breathe
i make you eager
the song we are
the dance our hearts do
when we’re finally one

we’ll be whatever we wished for
and everything we talked of
we’ll be us, the perfect duo
i love you baby,
and i don't care one bit
about nothing and everything
once you’re here with me

ive been writing love letters since march '21 wow

#love