i love you
i love you with my whole heart
and with my whole body and then some
spilling out onto the concrete beneath me
congealing in the cold

a grotesque thing

my plasticine form crumpling
under the pressure of it all
cracks forming in little heart shapes
stars bleaming from my eyes
as my vision grows darker

my birdcage chest
begging to be unlocked
rattling and clanging about
claws scratching at my arteries

lesions forming on my overstuffed heart
the threads untwining
hands held carefully parting from one another

at a standstill.

its nearly been three months
i dont know where they went
each day longer than the last
and further gone all the same

one year remains until tomorrow

youve shown me videos
where you call my name
and i turn and my face brightens
shining like ive seen the heavens

i look at you like i cant stand to look anywhere else
my eyes click into place
like they were meant to do exactly that
like i couldnt have heard anything sweeter
than the birdsong of your voice

despite my best efforts
i know i still look the same
whenever you mention me
and i feel nothing but awe
how could i manage anything different?
when all you do exude is radiance
sunflowers reaching through the soil
wherever you tread

i dont think you realize
the full effect you have on me
how much space you take up
in my cozy little mind

how often i dream of you
how often i am reminded
of something you might like
of a joke you would laugh at
of a commonality or difference

even with my rose tinted lenses
popped out of the frame
i still clearly see you
and all that you are
and how wonderful it is

we live
and we ache
and we breathe
and we feel

why are we trained
from birth
to say that crying is weak
that joy and pain
have no value to the world

who is to say
that we are blank
that we are numb
that we should act
as though we are machinery
cold, perfect steel
fitting right within the grooves
that society hollows for us

i am alive!
and i love!
and i anger!
and emotion wells in my chest
a leaky pipe prone to bursting

enough time has been wasted
trying to rewire our beings
for the sole benefit of efficiency

i ache at the mere thought of you
of closeness,
of being together,
of reaching and touching you,
oh so tenderly

for you are the one
who holds space in my heart
and who i wish
i could hold in return

every day
and every night
you reside in my thoughts
your smile radiant as the sun
your eyes darker than onyx
as the sun sets,
you appear

i am one of my own
what has been decided for me
and yet what i cannot be
if only because i cannot be it right

becoming a scavenger,
i pick apart what remains
from the carcass of femininity
clawing and ripping and tearing
and taking from gender
whatever i desire
for what has gender done for me?
aside from putting on a collar
and controlling my every move
deciding what i do
and how and when and why i do it

stealing what i can
and turning it upside down
looking starlit and airy
while still solid with rage
and being oh so tender with her
and protective from the rest
raccoon eyes and evening gowns
leather boots and lace socks

i need to cut my hair
dye it pink and start anew
its time for a change
and these locks keep me locked away
weighed down by a person im not
and held inside a body i do not belong to

i have to talk
lips sewn shut for so long
i dont remember how to speak
slowly im learning
how to order fast food
without breaking down

i want to get better
were it easy i might have a shot
but that guns turned on me
and pierced my heart
over and over
and im patching the wounds
but with every bandage i place
another gets ripped off

last online: 2 years ago
clicking away from your name
nostalgia holding me close,
as if i could ever forget

last online: 4 years ago
missing how it was
when we were off
laughing in a world of our own

last online: 6 minutes ago
its so different now
business has taken over
and im healing
but i still remember all those times when we were

"the moon is beautiful tonight, isnt it?"

reflections of a city softly grazing the water
lapping at the docks
causing the ***** to hurry home

ice cream melts in its cup
nearly forgotten
as the salty breeze
threads its hands through our hair

minnows swim in a growing puddle
reeds dance as the seagulls laugh
i can never forget the smile etched on your face

the sun has gone to sleep
the stars tell their stories in the sky
the street lamps flicker
and i cant help but agree

i wish i could be closer to you
i wish i could hold you
tangle my hands through your hair
its been growing quick since you cut it

it looked cute short

i imagine you here with me
more often than i'd admit
maybe i'm just too lonely
maybe you're just too nice

it hasn't even been that long
since i last saw you
a week or two
maybe three
the days start to blur
when they're all the same

i'm glad we keep in touch
i'm glad you've been friends with me this long
it's almost selfish to wish
that we could ever be more

it gets tough
when you run out of clovers
and shooting stars
and dandelion puffs
since i wish so often
to be closer to you

a bluejay recently passed away
outside on my front lawn
i tried to help him best I could
but now he is long gone

i have a pool of tadpoles
sitting right out back
the tiny little froglets
making me an insomniac

a new cat showed up last week
with a short shiny black coat
along with his appearance
my mother left a note

"please do not feed him, darling
for he is but a stray
and you've taken in three new cats
already yesterday!"

the glass reaches out and grazes my cheek
its cold grip encompassing me
the surface shiny and sleek

it etches deep into my soul
every single imperfection
each taking their rightful toll

much, much too much
so sorry to tell you
binding's not that good of a crutch

the planets and stars
have aligned right here and now
to say you're a ****

she is the sunset
leading on towards golden twilight
bonfires and fireflies
on a hot summer night

she is spring violets
gentle and kind
blooming, healing, helping
letting me clear my mind

she is the autumn leaves
never dreary or dull
leaving me excited
even for winter's sleepy lull

she is the first snow
a wordless glance
a warm hug
a hopeful chance

the anger festers lowly
hiding in my bones
it aches so loudly to me
a dull and lifeless tone

i want to sleep an eternity
finally let me rest
it turns into absurdity;
the things that cause me stress

i wish that i was free
from inside this empty home
i need to find the key
to let my tired heart roam

it tears into me, hurting
rips the veins out of my skin
i wish life wasn’t disconcerting
with its methods of sink or swim