I remember phoning my best friend
crying into the phone
My entire core collapsing in on itself
I was sobbing words into the phone
They felt like shards of glass coming out of my mouth

"****, I have never cared about anyone
I have never ******* cared about anyone but my ******* self
All I ever do is pity my ******* self
I do not matter
What the ****"

You told me what I wanted to hear
That I mattered and all that
or thats what I could remember as the champagne bubbles clouded my thoughts.

I hung up, not knowing if I had finished the conversation or not
I focused ******* the steps as I stumbled my way up the stairs.
Collapsing in front of my dresser
Wanting something
I knew what I wanted at the time
I wanted a blade
Anything
Anything to take my ******* self hate away
The horrible words I had thrown

I layed with my head on the cold tile floor
cold metal blade in my hand
four new Scarlett marks on my thigh and ivory tear stains on my cheek.

My lips are ****** from biting down to hold the tears in.

I saw my mother for the last time
The mortician whispered in a silent voice I'm aware your mother didn't wear much makeup, but we had to put some on her as she had some discolouration."

I walked through the slightly opened door
Across the room was a light brown casket
Roses as red as the breast of a robin surrounded you

I couldn't seem to get my feet to move
My feet cemented to the ground
All your artifacts lay around you

Step
By painful step
I made my way over to you

I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes
My orchid hearts petals fell slowly to the pit of my stomach

My mom didn't look like my mom
Not with that makeup
But they put it on you to cover the discolouration, the discoloration of the carbon monoxide that corrupted you beautiful mind, or maybe it was the demons that had haunted you for so long

When my tears began to overflow my red eyelids I could have sworn I saw you breathing
My mom is gone
My mom is gone

I kept repeating over and over

Standing just outside the chapel doors
My brother holding the urn that held your ashes
My sister on his left, I on his right

I told myself
"hold it together, hold it together"
God, I didn't want to cry
But just as the musician started playing the piano
Tears welled up within my sorrowed eyes
My heart started to beat so hard I thought it would burst out of my chest
I felt the eyes of so many people follow us as we walked down what seemed to be an everlasting walk
All the people who loved you
That had been affected by your spirit
By the loss of your beautiful soul

Lighting the candles that surrounded you was so ******* hard
My hand was shaking so hard
Tears blurred my vision
Why had this terrible disease chosen you to conquer, why would depressions demons choose such a selfless human being to take from such a loving family

Over time
I built the box
wall by wall
day by day
composed of dreams
and desires
ideals, beliefs, and goals

Over time
it kept me safe
and where I wanted to be
within the boundaries
of what I wanted
pushing me to succeed
keeping me in line

Over time
it became a prison
trapping me in, not letting me out
leaving no room for growth
no room to move
to change, improve,
or to fail

Over time
I took it down
wall by wall
day by day
removed of dreams
and desires
ideals, beliefs, and goals

Over time
replaced by the openness
of being whatever I want to be
able to let things go
and to make mistakes
for to err is to be human
and with that I was set free

she resembled a graveyard
her body cemetaries
her eyes six feet too deep.
she claims she's not dead.
she mutters whispers barely audible
"i am not the corpse,
i am not the water that will drown you,
i am the noose tied too tight,
i am the trigger that is pulled,
the bottle of pills swallowed, the overdose.
she acts as if it's something to be proud of
something to be admired.
my hands too cold to be felt,
she is the thought that always crosses
the mind of a sad boy.
i am simply a skeleton with skin too big
for these weary bones.
i am the coffin and nothing more
than the dirt used to bury it.
the hourglass is coming to it's final stretch.
is this what it feels like to be alive?

it's impossible to be alive when you're already

                         dead.

sorry for smelling like
cigarette smoke and staring
at you all the time and
never being able to smile.
sorry i'm always sad and
for having a shaky voice
when you tell me beautiful words
that weren't made for
someone like me.

Nobody knows how to fix a girl this broken
People walk past
And see my shattered pieces on the ground
Some look down and give me a look of sympathy
Others look and say
I wouldn't be so broken if I hadn't jumped off a ******* bridge
But what these people don't seem to grasp is
I didn't jump.
I fell.
I didn't mean to end up like this
Nobody wants to be this broken
*someone please just help me off the ******* ground