deep-seated bone-chill is a cold reality
yet here i stand watching intently
as glacier-cold waters rush by a bend
in a thunderously steady march
navigating the rocky course
of my river with precision
and strict efficiency
always finding the
path of least
resistance

Apple cider vinegar boosts your metabolism and reduces hunger
I didn’t realize I had an appetite anymore
The feeling of food makes you sick when you can only imagine it coming back up
Spilling word ***** onto nice freshly cleaned carpets
Teeth stained, hospital gowns
I Need some mouthwash
If nobody knows about the problem that means it doesn’t exist right?
If no one can see your face, hallowed then you don’t take up space right?
Wrong, “you’re too fat, you’re too fat” You scream into the mirror
Haunching over the toilet, trying, crying to stand back up but no words come out and your legs won’t move for help
My illness is hard not to hate somedays when your throat is sore from five times of binging and purging today
Six rounds each
Maybe more if you can stomach it
Your nose will smell it and you’ll gag up more
Your mind  is the worst weapon you can use against yourself
Counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for existing
You’re so afraid of taking up space that you will resort to slicing your belly in half in order to achieve inner peace
Baby, it doesn’t work that way
Listen I know that somedays you look to see your pretty skinny friends
And you feel bad about your body and how one of your thighs could barely fit through the head of her skintight t-shirt
But I have been there, I have seen **** you couldn’t even imagine
Girls who want to become bulimic or anorexic, get ready for your teeth to wear down and chip from the acid from below your belly
Rumbling with the force of regret, the food you just ate but didn't want the weight
Get ready for the hole in your throat right next to your tongue down your esophagus
That burned its way coming up as it did down
Get ready to see your mom or your dad walk in to see you on your knees praying to the gods above as below anything over the throne,
Get ready for the disappointment, the extra eyes, get ready for the tears the fears
Why can’t you just eat? The rehab, The relapse
Get ready for hating your body, lack of control
The spiral
Get ready because ana and mia don’t give a **** if you were happy before
Because  they just want to be skinny

The unsung hero
Going the extra mile
Staying positive all the time
Even when things are bad
Does the ***** work
Used up tossed away
Doing what's right
While others do wrong
Decisions are made
Could be doing more
Settled for less
Down playing intellect
Could be do better

I dreamed that I had
a boat on a leash,
which was strange
because moments before,
I had it in the ocean,
and I was fishing off
the starboard side.
My nephew was with me
and he got us lost.

We dragged that boat all
over Ventura.
We were looking for
the marina.
The longer that the boat
was on the leash,
the smaller it got.
Pretty soon it was
just a toy, a poisoned
dog that we
threw in the trash.

I took my girlfriend
for breakfast at Ruby Tuesday,
We both had waffles
and I felt a sense of
Satisfaction from the sublime
maple syrup.  On our way out
the waitress said, don't be
a stranger, I Miss You.
At the time, me and the
old lady were homeless,
it began to rain, she
cried and said, please baby
Gimme Shelter.
Don't worry, I said,
I'm gonna come to
your Emotional Rescue.
She cried even harder,
and I said, Angie I know
it *****, but You Cant Always
Get What You Want.
Truth be told, we're just
Tumbling Dice.
But we're Happy.
And through her tears, she smiled
and said, you will always be
Under my Thumb~