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 Feb 2016 NinjaQueen
river
last night
you yelled at me
for telling you how i feel
you said you’d stop drinking
but last night
i saw you drink
and last night i saw you
rush to the bathroom
because you were gonna go
throw it all up
you told me you were
so stressed that
at the end of the week
you drink
so that you can feel better
but you judged me when i drowned myself
in drugs to make myself feel better, too
this actually happened last night. you made me so mad that i cried myself to sleep.
 Feb 2016 NinjaQueen
river
when i fall asleep at night
i dream of the color of your eyes
and how your hands won’t ever hold mine
i dream of your voice and your laugh
i loved your laugh, it was so full of life

i try to remember our happy times
sometimes i think of you too much and
i start to sink in the pain for the space
that will no longer be filled with your face
like how i won’t get to say
good morning to you anymore
or to tell you how much i hate your guts
and you’d say you love me anyway
and maybe at that moment
you would’ve loved me even more

i feel so lost without you here
i don’t like admitting i won’t ever
get to call you again on the phone
or even the way i felt when i
wanted to punch you in the face
for every word you spoke

at least it was real
at least i could get mad at you
now all i can do is wish you were here
so i could feel your warm embrace
just always remember, please remember
i love you so, i love you so

i miss the way you looked at me
like i was your everything and more
and though you turned my world upside down
you’re the one who made it whole
now my heart’s left behind
and though it’s beating
i don’t feel alive

i miss your hand in mine
i miss all your lies
i miss the nights you’d make me cry
but it was alright, because you were still alive
and that made everything fine
daddy issues.
 Feb 2016 NinjaQueen
river
i’m sorry i lied
i just didn’t want you to
break my rib cage open again
for you to rip my heart out.
now i have no heart.
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