"What was it like to lose him?"

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever."

-bcg (it never leaves)

I asked my friend once
Why he cuts himself
His reply was completely sensible to me
Though others might say it was senseless
But so heart wrenching was the reply
So real that it made me cry

He said
I cut myself to make sure I'm alive
Because pain is the only emotion
That throughout my life
Has been able to thrive
But every time I cut, I think
If I can feel pain,
Maybe another emotion has survived

You see
There's this thread that is tied around my heart.
But it's not just tied around my heart
It's tied from my brain to my heart
To my soul to everything around me
To everything within me to all that surrounds me.

There are many things attached to this string
The closer they are to the end
Wrapped around my heart
The bigger the knot they form
And the bigger the knot is
The easier I can feel them

There is one emotion
I feel every single time my heart beats
That emotion is pain
Through past, present, future
Throughout my entire life
That emotion has never ceased

Pain is so close to my heart
On the thread of emotion
That maybe if I feel the pain
I'll be able to feel the emotion
That is one step further than pain
And then the emotion beyond that

I cut myself because if I can feel pain
I might be able to feel hope next
And I might feel happiness after that
And maybe, just maybe
Someday, because of the pain,
I'll be able to feel love

I asked my friend once
Why he cuts himself
His reply was simple
He said
Because sometimes,
Cutting is all that keeps us alive

I’m so afraid of being that person,
That is known to not have friends,
I’m so afraid of losing yet another friend
That I just keep my mouth shut.
Yes, I would like to voice my opinion,
But there are always consequences with that.
Instead I sit at the back of the room
Behind a group of friends
I pretend like I fit in,
But I know, that I don’t.
My only friends seem to be the lyrics in songs
Songs that I listen to at 2am when everyone else is asleep,
But it is the time when my brain is most awake,
The bursts of creativity,
The bursts of truth flowing through my head,
And it hits me.
Yes I have people I talk to everyday but really
If they could choose between me, the girl at the back of the room
Or the girl they sit next to everyday
Its an obvious answer.
I guess I am afraid of being alone,
But when I think about,
I already am alone.

Screaming,
Is believing.

Believing,
That your words,
Will be heard.

You may hear,
Seeing is believing.

But you see,
I believe nothing,
Yet see everything.

The way you write,
It's like painting the sky.

The way you speak,
Makes my heart grow weak.

The way you make me feel,
Is like insanity on wheels.

It's not what you do,
That makes you perfect.

It's how you do it,
Why you do it.

Your messed up,
But you've gotten through it.

You've been hurt,
It's happened before.

But still with you,
I can't help but adore.