best friends for over half my life.
taken bullets from guns and dulling the knife.
a connection of care and true love
showing the good and who I really was.
your smile and compassionate hugs
better choices suggested than these **** drugs.
every night dreaming and screaming for the end
saved once again by my true best friend
many years pass so many trials of self hate
your beautiful eyes show me there's an escape.
when I'm in doubt I know I can rely on you
if you were gone forever what would I do
can't help but fall in love and deep into you
the savior you've become is real and something true

than came that time i feel darker and less of a man
you seem confused and less willing to understand
my rock, my pillow, the one that kept me alive
alone now dying, crying, wondering how to survive.
its work, the relationship and a new house
fading from your eyes and mind wondering how
I know now I'm a grown *** man
without you I feel like I can't even stand.
the texts and the calls become lesser by the day
but that depression has its ways.
calling out for help but you can't be reached
Sad on the outside deeper within suicide creeps
waking another day am I alive wondering in panic
living day to day I can't ******* handle it
you say you love me and really do care
but in the darkest times your longer never aware

A phone call placed to you not by me but the police
locked up in a mental ward with more drugs no release.
we talk every night and you choose to call me
the connection we had mends and feels healthy
My confidence grows and I feel like a man
Giving me support and love whenever you can.
the doubts, anger, worries all subside
but deep beneath this smile I think of suicide

again more time passes and you become to busy
Always missing you, wishing you missed me
dark feelings engulf and slowly take over
Suicide sounds fine thinking of that closure.
one last call, voicemail again my final feelings heard
your my best friend I'm sorry this may seem absurd
When that breaking point hits like a ton of bricks
Left alone to worry about me being mentally sick
I wish you were there at least this ******* time
because this is farewell my suicide my final goodbye

Distant not by my choice but mental corruption
Smiling and laughing involuntarily participating in self destruction
I miss all your smiles and laughs those good times
Covered in more emotional and physical scars lying "im fine"
Dont worry about me this life is better and its great
Sadly I lie to all who care, I just dont want you to see me this way.
I'm afraid if I open up my feelings to any of you
The dark and tormented will grab hold and stick like glue
I'm sorry I lie but its only because i love and care for you all
Even I dont know you, id never wish you on this side of The wall
I know there are ones out there that relate and understand
Even than feeling I should keep distant though wishing to hold hands
I dont know how much longer I really have to live
The best I can do is thank you for taking the time to read this

yeah, yeah, oh yeah

living alone feeling non exsistant
so close to the world yet so distant
where is life? I must of missed it
could i get another ******* ticket?

devil man says no! God man creeps away on his tippy toes. was I destined to be a ghost? gobble up souls I eat the most.

-depressed yet its so amusing-

living in reverse. forced to smile life's biggest curse. alive and riding in the back of a hearse.
deep gashes of self hate.. the blood carried it all away. what can I say? to feel the pain you got to pay. not for tomorrow but yesterday and today come into my head won't you stay?

yeah... oh yeah...

I've been looking for someone like you. to help me understand what to do. trapped lost confused no clue
seeing myself pale skin lips blue
the body dropped spirit flew. high in the sky and back into her

Nearly 48 hours now and still wide awake
Exhausted, depressed, the anxiety over takes
Thoughts racing, blurring, spiraling out of control
Wishing for some ****, I'm at ease when I'm ******
Music fills my ears but its not what's playing on the radio
Am I lost? Here, over there, what is this show
Sleep deprived, shaky, in a dream like state
Nervous, manic looking for someone to relate
Should I call in to life and take this crazy day off
Blurry eyes, hair stands on end I'm here but lost
Almost tripping, yet I have had no drugs to try
So amazing how this anxiety takes hold and makes time fly
Should I just press forward and continue to stay awake
Regretting something but what was this mistake
Clearly distraught the madness will not loosen its grip
Outside semi calm, inside a nervous raging fit
I'm ok right? The mirror is refusing to answer
Inside something testers and grows like a hidden cancer
I should have taken the offering of pills from the doc
Two seconds with every click why this clock
Sick, queasy, I have to regain control not for me but my kids
The hallway seems longer, is it blood? What the **** is this
Only halloween props thank God everyone is ok
Backwards going in reverse yet birds and sun start the day
Run, I want to run. I need to run but nowhere to run to
I'm now realizing I'm online live and writing poetry
This, this.. It hurts... Very bad. This anxiety is taking over me
Breath deep in and out relax your mind find a happy place
Back to my feet, can't relax I have dreams to chase
How can I possibly catch my dreams without any sleep
Darker unwanted thoughts begin to stir and creep
Writing this now almost a hour in but it feels like mere fraction
Stress to my already broken heart what is going to happen
Its gone now, it just up and left as quick as it came
Mental troubles, depression, anxiety loving to play these games
I can't possibly prepare for another surprise round
Laying my head now, relaxed, at ease than the alarm sounds

Hi there, you dont know me and I dont know you
What I'm about to say is uncomfortable but here goes
-***-
The true inner me is twisted, sad, ugly, full of truth wishing I could lie
I have kids but never really enjoyed *** due to molestation and victims of lies
Its been almost 8 years and still uncomfortable when it comes to ***
Only really in the mood with degrading acts but feel as though its disrespect
I have no idea why I am turned on by these crazy and awful things
Wanting to hurt, punish, humiliate are the softer side that thoughts bring
Loving to cuddle and laugh and share my time with someone I love
Always falls short because of demented thoughts wishing to just cuddle and hug
Its not just the *** there are deeper and darker things
-Loathing-
I look in the mirror and hate what the reflection reveals
Spitting, hitting, the dark emotions from my mind I painfully peel
Self absorbed in self hatred madness what is self-esteem
A pleasure arises from masochism self mutilation loving to hate on me
Ugly, stupid, worthless, Bruise me, bleed me, hang me to dry
I apologize for the rawness but in this writing I vowed I would not lie
-Other me-
A shell of a semi masculine bearded man
Tall, dark and maybe handsome sometimes I cannot stand
Feeling most confident in a skirt and adorable patterned tights
Pretty lipstick, tight fitting flare jeans a bra somehow feels right
The stigma from society its wrong, I'm gay, but I'm perfectly straight
Rare times I build the courage to step outside, fearful of a deadly hate
Inside the house looking and feeling confident and pretty
Confused, is it ok? Is it bad? These are struggles within me
-Outro-
So stranger that is what lies deep and dark beneath
Quit nervous to hit submit, a little hard to breathe
Thank you kindly for reading about the inner me
I mean this with much love, respect and deepest sincerity

friends have came and gone over the years
but to those who remained through my trials and fears
I really thought like way down deep inside
with love and compassion your in for the life long ride
only those few I entrust the deepest inner me
now stranded in darkness with no friends to see
reaching out not for pity but to see how you've been
the lack of emotions and compassion is this really my friend
swept aside claims of being too busy followed by an empty sorry
communication sparks a smile feeling now ok with me
more silence as days pass on into nights
often wondering if I should call to make sure your alright
I take it with a grain of salt and wait a few more days
inside my head all the fun crazy times with you play
wishing to smile but those joyous memories bring pain
Am I no longer worth it, worthless, stupid perhaps insane
shaky hands and a deep depressed mind
what to text and say carefully choosing my rhymes
afraid of a response that will sink me even darker in my mind
instead no response at all counting down the time
I wish you were there even for a second at least
feeling sadder drifting farther from any kind of peace
I am always here for you always have been always will
starring into an empty phone time seems to stand still
feeling less important now almost worthless in ways
a reply back after a week, month, to many days
same story just from another best  friend
Is being to busy how this friendship ends?

Its nearly 3 am yet again
Up late lonely wondering about friends
I look back on all the friends that come and go
Than there's that rare few that remained for the show
As time presses on suicides leaving me behind
A couple left so distant "busy" sure that's fine
Attempts to find new friends and again just used
Money, greed, my time stolen just more abuse
I fall back on the few true friends that remain
And again just to busy, from them all its just the same
Lonely, stressed, looking for that friend to talk to
Unanswered texts for days, calls ignored from me to you
Feelings darken, questions flood my mind
Why I am no longer worth anyone's thoughts and time
Checking back in to me seldomly here and there
I really think but no longer feel you really care
A self image in the mirror ugly, depressed, broken teeth
Caring, loyal, honest, fun, loving, creative this is what lies beneath
Hating myself, because I feel you in fact hate me
Is this what is created after years of laughter and insanity
I know you live a busy life, well so do I
But a time in need is a time indeed, alone asking why
I've poured all my emotions, strength, love and effort into you
A slight fraction of that in return would be amazing and true
Yet I struggle alone in the chaos and madness of life
Sorting through the emotional pieces sorting wrongs from right
Destined to be alone I regretfully and sadly realize
I'm nothing special nor important just a lost memory in everyone minds
I accept the failure, I accept this dreadful defeat
Just know after this suicide you will never be able to call on me
Cry tears of nothing and act like now you really did care
But those little texts and smiles, those times you could have been there.
Its to late now, no its not your fault it was a personal choice
My life, my emotions, my body, my unheard voice
Just please when I'm dead and gone dont act like you give a ****
Because truly in the end it was you all I missed

?????Do you feel that in the air?????
That's static I'm erratic coming right back at it like crackhead addict poetry in the attic its free so have at it misery and symphony gotta combat it leave it be or attack at it

So I decide to show up to the "bubble show". I make eye contact with those green eyes as the little rusty bell sounds my entry. A smile and a wink I approach with a smooth confident stroll. The look on your face, amused and confused. As I lean on the counter the only thing that separated us. You pose your self for an incoming kiss. I lean in close, close enough for that kiss. Instead I whisper softly in your ear "lets play some pinball" setting a rusty quarter down inviting you to play. Locking eyes in a romantic daze you giggle and say "its fifty cents a play".

To those who say suicide is selfish
Understand you can never understand what they delt with
You may say you have it worse than they did
On deeper levels that **** was well hid
Somethings easy to you may be the hardest for others
Its not easy to leave mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters
Your strength my weakness, your weakness my strength
Those who suffer go through many trials of a dark never ending length
Some wear there scars on there sleeves
Others hide it tucked well deep beneath
Help sometimes is not what they really need
I can assure you this wasn't a selfish and greedy deed
They loved you so much, more than you'll ever know
Sometimes in an ironic way the better is finally letting go
Whether you believe in afterlife or rather nothing at all
Remember the best of times and for them stand proud and tall
There being may no longer reside on our earthly plane
But forever in our hearts and mind they shall always remain
We will never fully understand and comprehend
I'm not a religious man but I know we will reunite in the end

Stick me with needles deep into my skin
Extracting the innocence that is held in my mind, deep within
To the social eye I am a monster a demented creep
Behind these scars and sadness better lies beneath
So quick to judge and make an assumption
To fearful to approach, afraid of pushing buttons
I look evil and my poetry is even darker
Separating myself from you all even farther
If you took the time to get to know me
Id bring rest to your worries and curiosity
But make no mistake, you hurt me I will ****
Begging to lock me up because I am mentally ill
I've given my last dime and the shirt of my back
To a homeless man and he was black
Racist, monster, ill tempered, you got it all wrong
Judge me for my looks, my poetry, and my songs
Once that needle is inserted and you take out my seed
Finally you'll realize this world needs misunderstood people like me

It started with friendly innocent chat
Like a magician pulling tricks from my hat
I opened my door of false pleasures
Over love, money, and the rarest of treasures
Like a spooky haunted house I held a surprise
Your so beautiful, your skin, hair, and those eyes
A serenade of love I softly sing from night into day
Knowing the winds will carry my feelings your way

Just like a sucker, I ****** you deep within
What my plans are, are beyond all and every sin
I look to the skies and smile because I know he doesn't exist
Madly laughing and taunting this date you shall not miss
Be here at five for a surprise before dinner is served at eight
Like a helpless naive lost little sheep wandering back home
Inviting you in with intoxicating drinks and **** to get you ******

Make yourself at home, relax, unwind, watch some tv
So excited she graciously smiles and thanks me
I reply with a cursed smile and replied "no, thank you" with a wink
Touching her soft skin I gladly pour her another drink
Its almost time to prepare the meal, would you like to help
So excited she says yes. Yes to her own demise and hell

The drinks finally set in as she helplessly falls to the floor
Dimming the lights and carefully locking all of the doors
Heaping her almost lifeless like body onto the kitchen table
Shaking with knives and tools, feeling quit unstable
I cut deep into her luscious thighs
So out of it, but she still manages to cry
Taking her slabs over to the frying pan
Season to taste I work with haste carefully using my ingenious hands, this beauty will not rot and waste

Glancing to clock, I still have plenty of time
Tonight at eight, you and I love, will finely dine
A little more flesh, a little more meat
You my dear are two weeks worth of white meat treats
Almost eight and nearly done on time and this meal is free
Its not me going deep into you, its you going deep into me

The date I ate at eight was magnificent indeed
Draining her of life and blood for two weeks I will feed
Packaging leftovers placed in the freezer nice and sealed
Back to the computer, patiently looking for my next meal

A handful of sleeping pills and some beer
Reckless behavior I engage because I longer care... Its near
The only people that love me are judgemental *******
That's ok though.
Because when I am dead and gone you'll pretend you care
I seen it first hand weeping because I am no longer there
I sit here and think about me and my pain

Thoughts of suicide I try and refrain
It only gets harder though
As I mentally spiral out of control
Ill leave behind my writings of poetry
Expressing my distaste in life and ever living agony

if your reading this, than thank you.
the unimaginable feels my head and thoughts  
I'm alone, I'm always alone.  
trying to reach out for friendship and love
But I'm just a suicidal, depressed freak
I've fallen victim to my own critical thinking
Things are strange. very very ******* strange
I have this feeling like a feeling never before
Its far from happiness and hope. its empty and dark
I'm still ok to smile twitch I'm trying, ok?  
where is everyone? Why is no one here?
Alone, nobody to talk to but myself and I scare me
phone calls never answered, same with texts  
All I ever did was care and give a ****
I guess not enough for me.  
not enough for me.
that doesn't matter though. does it? twitch
what is this feeling? Did I do something wrong?
I always **** it up. every time. I'm no good. Or am I?
what is happening? I'm still alone. I just need a friend.  
I can no longer save myself from me.
A simple friend someone just who will listen.
pretend to care! because I longer do.
The feeling twitch its scaring me. where are you?
anyone at all? Is this death? Heaven? Hell?
I'm going under now, please grab my hand.

I seriously am fighting off depression. I feel it creep up on me. I feel it try to take hold. its so scary. if you seen what depression has done to me. the things it allowed me to do to myself. its ******* terrifying. absolutely ******* terrifying. twice this year I strangled myself. ironically both times the cops pounded on the door. It was that second time I was nearly gone. I even took pics and a video of it. seeing the sweat and the gray in my face. the incoherent look on my face the lack of muscle response. I was nearly asleep. So close. Than that loud familiar bang on the door. It caused a great shot of panic in my resting nearly sleeping body. I felt the veins in my neck pulse forcing the blood past the wrapped extension cord on my neck. I tried to ignore the knock and adrenaline rush. Than my phone rang. they were calling me now. my anxiety grew and I came fully back into reality scared and nervous I frantically shuffle around trying to remove the the cord that was wrapped at least five times around my neck. I struggled and panicked because I couldn't loosen the knot. The banging continued. I was so afraid they were going to kick the door in. the Phone rang again. I knew it was them "unknown" caller at 2am I finally got the cords off from around my neck as i look up i see flash lights shinning into the basement windows. my panic grew, the thoughts of me going to prison because i tried to **** myself. flood my mind. the Phone rang again, hastily I answered. "yeah everything is ok" I spoke as soon as I hit answer. "Mr. Joyce this is the Charlotte police dept. we need you to answer your door." all I could think was there going to take me away again. I'm in trouble because of how I feel. I responded "I'm coming right now I was in the basement" I make my way up the stairs and the music from my tv had to be blaring at nearly max. I didn't remember having it so loud. I run over and hit the ps3 power button cutting all the music entirely and made my way to the front door.

The night sky was split into two
When I fell deep into you
The mere thought of suicide
Left wrists of sadness open wide

The night sky cried, yet it wasn't rain
Only sad memories, blood and pain
Loving you one last time, a final try
Kissing lifeless lips, your empty eyes I dry

A ancient spell I speak, reunite we will
The night sky flashes, time stands still
Reaching inside all the way to your soul
Through the madness I lost control

I can't help but want to remove your skin
Touching your cold body I grin
You can live! Well as long as I
The excitement builds as I look to the sky

Reaching for your sad and suicidal blade
Feeling your emotions wanting to play
The cutting, is quite easier than I thought
Glancing to the sky the clouds and moon fought

So much skin I nearly have it all
Nervous laughter echoes from the hall
The night sky sent us a friend indeed
Sowing the seeds of flesh is what we need

Needles and thread the work was quick
Nails to lips I felt every poke and *****
A look into the mirror the skies creation
A horrifying, grotesque, abomination

What exactly is it I have unknowing done
Moonlight from the sky glistens the gun
Crying, I fall back into your life
One shot rang I wasn't finished where's the knife

Time stood quiet as I held onto you
Crying and holding you is all I could do
The night sky swallowed by the daybreak
Your suicide was not the only mistake

Right now I would like to say hello
******, chilled, relaxed and mellow
I was just sitting here and got to thinking

The way you smile and cringe at my poetry
Always makes me smile and that's the real me
Because without your reminder I feel alone
So lets take this moment and get ******

You might not comment or even like my ****
But we can't deny feelings are understood and legit
And to me that means a lot so here's a thank you
For letting me having a wonderful breakthrough

And just know ill keep an eye on you
Reading your struggles while you breakthrough
I might not comment or even like your ****
But I'm still there with you and never regretting it

Ok so you wanted to see a lighter side
Dive wide in, open eyes wide
I'm not going to lie I like your attention
Your profile is pic is cute thought I mention
The way you use words its almost a live conversation
Lost, than a message from you breaks concentration
Somehow that frown became a smile its because of you
However being darker in heart I must remain true
Your pain enlightens me and gives a good vibe
Because I was nearly there, I too nearly died
Its that billionth try and finally someone understands
I can leave the happiness to pull you back to land
And when there's those rivers of tears, yeah you what im talking about
Come along they revive my dry and scathed drought
You may again come, you may again go.
You may be well, you may be out of control.
Its all good though because I'm a friend a friend indeed
Perhaps in the darkest of times together we will bleed

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Deep Underground Poetry
Poems   Death  Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)

Image for the poem Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
That day my best friend took his life
It wasn't pills, gun, or a knife
Instead he took an extension cord and put it to use
For what brought life to electronics caused the ultimate abuse
The last words he spoke
Before the final choke
I love you man, I'm sorry...

Many calls and messages I tried to send
Was this happening? Was I losing my best friend
A pray to the skies even though I do not believe
Your number rings in the late a.m I awoke semi relived

A female voice spoke I knew than before a word was said
My dearest best friend was really gone and dead
A feeling like never before enveloped me into awareness
Living how we want too but to **** embarrassed

Two days prior you asked, you asked if I would be at your side
And together best friends would honor the welcoming of suicide
And here I sit alone waiting for your guidance to the unknown
Slit wrists, electrical nooses, belly of pills gun shots left my mind blown

I hear a knock on the door
I take notice to the whisky on the floor
A quick spray of fragrance
Adrenaline pumps, lets dance
Kicking the bottle under the bed
Quickly fixing the hair on my face and head
Answering the door, greeting with a smile
Chatting and laughing for quit a awhile
The dark thoughts enter my head
Her and I are forever dead
Control myself and play it cool
Laughing with beauty she thinks I'm a fool
I can feel it, she wants my money and worth
Not me though and that **** hurts
What hurts more is the stabbing of her pretty face
Faster and faster like some kind of death race
Now she's ******, silent, yet still pretty cute
I grab my gun, aim to my head and try too shoot
No bang just a click, I'm frozen with fear
A knock at the door! She's finally here

I am all about life
Yet I am still suicidal
Come drink and laugh for awhile
Killing ourselves again this night

The potential for abuse was high
Not a day went by that I didn't cry
Sitting in silence, suffering through the pain
Grinding on gears with rusted and faulty chains
After thirty-five long and lonely years
Still living in darkness, anger and fear
I can't help but often as myself why
Why after all this pain am I still alive
Its self abuse to the fullest and I'm forever trapped
Blind, in search for a new beginning with no map
Holding onto whatever life means
The pressure from depression is breaking the seams
Waking again choosing a mask from my closet
Happiness isn't there, someone went and robbed it
Tired now of being fake and playing pretend
A blood stained rose petal and suicide letter I send
I know you have received them before
But I'm already gone before this reaches your door

So I'm sitting here kind of awake
This is probably for you make no mistake
I can't help but feel your stress and pain
I call myself genius to some I'm just insane
I had a dream last night and I actually remembered
That I have a friend this crazy September
I really don't know what you will bring to share
Honestly I dont even care
Sorry that kind of sounded wrong
Perks of writing a random poem and or song
Anyway for whatever reason your helping make it right
Because down and depressed and I still find the urge to write
I suppose I owe you another thank you
For whatever it is that you do
I hope you were able to smile today
I did just for a short while anyway
So I guess this is a hello and goodnight
Tossing and turning in my nightmares I will help you fight

I do a lot of great things and I really do like me
I can honestly look into the mirror and see beyond insecurity
But when I slip and become that blurry shadow of shame
Your there to prove its all true and I'm just part of your game
I feel like I'm above average and that feels good
On any given day this goes away because your misunderstood
I can look at myself and say I love you
Those dark days you make it feel so untrue
I can love myself for me but I have my dark days
The only time you want to love is when your ready to prey
I may be yours for now, but do know this
I will stop you  from putting holes in my happiness

The sun hazed out by the winters snow.
Time will rot, for time is to slow.
It’s to late now all has gone up in smoke
And in the warmth I was just a joke
Now frozen to the bone we try to survive
Doing all we can to stay alive
I pray for protection from the frost giants that near
The torturing of this slow death we all fear
If we make it through this cold night
Will we awake tomorrow with our sight
Frozen, Frozen, Frozen
The doors to life are closing
As the sun takes a peak it smiles as if he’s teasing
Only for us to try and cry, we were freezing
the temperature goes down even colder
I was so cold I could not even hold her
Frozen, frozen, frozen
This is not the life I have chosen

Hey there stranger, you want to know something about me?
The struggles from manic thinking to a peaceful zone of apathy
I look in the mirror and think, think back on my childhood days
Hiding in closets, attics and further outside my home
The abuse endured daily, finding comfort being alone
The sadistic thinking of a troubled mother and father
Exhausting my self to please and make you happy, why even bother
The choices you made and the darkness you brought upon me
The self in the mirror is engulfed in a mental, torturous, agony
All the negatives have stored themselves deep within
A look back on any happy days and notice none were mine
I got through it and I moved far and beyond that
They still linger and attack though, pulling me back into the dark
The past haunts in the most unusual and complex ways
I find myself most comfortable on my darkest days
I can smile when I cut myself, punch myself and even eat soap
I look for someone that mistreat me and hang me from this rope
I dont think I can handle or even understand love
Keep smiling as the dusty memories are swept under the rug
Its when that rug is shaken I see and feel the real me
Masochism borderline sadism, stuck in this abuse for eternity
The only thing I know is how to not treat my kids and loved ones
Have yet to slip, only with myself. If that time comes my hand is on the gun

Tonight I drink to forget the harder times
But somehow it creeps in deeper darker and more insane
I want to be happy but the past all that **** still haunts
Smiles and laughs interrupted by old memories that taunt
Everyone says its the past just get over it and move on
Another drink another hit from the ****
I can realize one thing
The past has shaped who I am, still a broken king
I know I'm good and I mean well at least for now
The struggles and torment and I can't help but wonder how
How I made it through so much and am still able to be me
The Frankenstein and discarded freak amongst society
Hated, unloved, just a piece of trash to be thrown away
I suppose I can rise above that, I suppose one day
But until than I will remain a depressed and anxious freak
A better day and better life I will continue to seek

I have this thought, it never leaves my head
I imagine I'm better off gone just a memory, dead
You see, the afterlife is maybe unknown but I am sure
So sure that the pain of this life will end the greatest cure
Than you have the ones that would suffer and relive your pain
Double edged sword, everyone pays the same
Selfish they all say, but I am living for you
I'm miserable and beyond help there's nothing anyone can do
Sure future smiles and laughs I would definitely miss
But look around you, violence, hate, greed, all of this
I am good and I mean even better
But just like a bird that flies gracefully and loses a feather
The bird can fly and carry on a peaceful life indeed
I'm just the falling feather waiting to land, imbed and seed
There's more beyond this life of misery and pain of decaying
When your finally gone and here you'll know what I am saying

You dont have to respond... But I love you
I can't make sense of it. I don't know what to do
To scared to make a move and look like a fool
To nervous and nerdy to play this off cool
I know your smiling as your eyes read this
And even though we never met it's you I miss
Feeling like an absolute idiot with no relative thoughts
To write this was a self battle something well fought
I write on, in this poem of love I continue
Only after it was to late I realized it wasn't you
How love plays us in such cruel and undesirable ways
Ill continue to write, love and hope for that special day

Its stuck inside like a barbed pin needle in a voodoo doll
Stuffed away, pressed down and to be made to feel nothing all
Sometimes discarded for days, unlucky streaks leaves me laying for months
Since I've been bought I haven't felt love, not even once
Just propped up put on sad and pathetic display
Waiting for some kind of attention any kind of play
Sitting here quietly collecting dust and partial sun
Wishing these lifeless legs could get up and run
Treated and discarded as an old raggedy doll
Forever waiting for attention... That is all

I sit here in a quiet and thoughtless state
Isolated I watch all around me connect and communicate
Trying to see these "colors" everyone supposedly talks about
I try and speak, even laugh, but nothing comes aloud
Seeing ones smile, laugh, even breaking down to cry
What is it like to live? What is it like to die
So distant in thoughts that resemble near nothingness
Double eye patched pirate sailing without a compass
I wonder what its like to feel, I wonder what its like to live
Sitting ****** silent waiting for this apathy to give

there here, they have arrived
through the chaos they survived
wrapped in plastic and ready to serve
Telling myself these two I deserve
A dance and date
One for lust and one for escape
Making me feel like a real man
blue eyes and a California tan
They wanted me until they were done
Leaving as fast as they had come

Its kinda of embarrassing it kills me even more
The only two lovers a loving aunt and a lying *****
What is ***? I often wonder why its so highly talked about
Whenever I try, the past haunts and taunts they always walk out
I'm so full of love, caring, respectful gratitude
Does anyone understand the traumatizing magnitude
****** exploitation before I knew what *** was, just another toy
A ****** waiting for a pure love and lies quickly and swiftly destroyed
Humiliated and abused in every way made to feel like ****
I was the man, I was guilty, no way she did it
Almost eight years now... Since any kind of romantic relationship
I convince myself its ok, though There's days I often question and slip
Is it so important that *** thing everyone talks about
Or would someone love me and bring rain to this drought

Tonight, I just dont feel the same
Kinda nice, kinda a shame
Two friends left and there fading away  
Living yet another ******* day  
Depressed but I feel for all the wrong reasons  
Standing outside watching the skies change season's  
Sick of being a puppet, sick of being used  
Sick of my own messed up abuse  
Why can't I just let go tonight and be done  
No matter what I try life has become dull, nothing fun  
I don't even know why I write and communicate it seems all a waste    
I'm not even bleeding yet and blood I can taste  
Another struggle, another poem, another ******* day  
I'm at the point I could care less of feelings and what you say  
Most likely your just another problem I let into my life  
**** the gun, lets do this painfully slow with this here knife  
I've bleed nearly everyday just sitting writing this ****  
Another suicidal poem written for you all to put up with  
Dont worry though life isn't forever and neither am I  
But as long as I write Ill be your painful reminder to as why

Another poem written, be warned nothing nice
80 degrees today and I am feeling cold as ice
4 beers in not even a mere buzz nor tingle
Work the math work with me
Were now at 320 minus the one for feelings of (insert rhyme)
And came the flood of 100 emotions taking there toll
Trying to find relief with intoxication and rock and roll
That one minute just stole my 420
And there's 69 stinging bees, nothing producing honey
Add that to 37 years of chaos and madness
Its that time once again that we derail the crazy train
Another 12 plus 13 plus that sweet 16, not enough love to much pain
100 sleeping pills drowsy now definitely feeling sick
And I can't help but notice, I am dying with the numbers 666

There's those bad days you know?
Some never forget, some let go.
Some will blow it off, I choose to cry.
Some push on, I wish to die.
I feel I'm more important than the tv.
Obviously without words you disagree
I seen it happen so many **** times
Your too busy and sorry that's fine
But some simple attention here and there
Your just another when I'm dead you'll care
It seems like that is the best way to deal
Unfortunately it's absolutely real
When I'm dead and gone I left with the thought you didn't cared
It doesn't matter what poems at my funeral you share
I hope your happy you lost this pitiful friend
Because no one will give a **** in your end
I of course would but I'm already dead and gone
You can reflect back on my poetry and songs
Its to late to say sorry because nothing will bring me back
So maybe this poem will make think of that
I love you and somehow always will
Even over you the reasons why I choose to ****
Don't look to the heavens or into the skies
Because your filling yourself with nothing but lies
There is nothing special about death but erasing of the pain
I hope you come to mind when it storms and rains

deep in the inner circle I stood.
surrounded by people. wanting to hurt or **** me. I produced my gun and shot. i shot to **** and defend and that's what happened. but no one ran or fled. they froze in fear. my yells and war Cry's did not move them the slightest. I roared and howled with no avail. I shot again killing this time just killing. And still they all stood around not moving not making a sound. just standing, watching, and staring but still blocking my way to freedom an escape. Another shot, another death, closer to an escape.

Do you feel depressed and all alone?
Passing depressing thoughts by getting ******.
Listening to your parents because they know whats best.
Going to school and the bully pokes at your chest.
Coming home every other day with black and blue eyes.
You keep your self locked away and everyone wonders why.
Does it seem like everyone so smiley and happy?
Do you wonder why you can't be?
Don't you hate when it seems like you don't exist?
Still keeping to yourself filling with rage getting pist?
Wondering how you could get back at them.
As you remove your *** from its last stem.
Getting closer to those feelings of suicide.
Everyone asks and still the feelings you hide.
Filled in a world with sad and stupid regrets.
Thinking of all the ******* taunts and threats.
And when people push you to listen and talk.
Thinking empty thoughts on that cold lonely walk.
But the control over them is on your side.
It's up to you if your ready for your suicide.

I want to be...
I want to be seen.

I'm the twelve year old girl looking for escape.
I'm the slutty little innocence looking for ****.
Take my hand, kiss me, love me, stand by my side.
Play with me, I'll be at the playground around five.
Feel my preteen ******* as your **** grows.
Give me attention, tell me I'm ****, don't let go.
Let me flatter you with the little I know.
Faster and faster please don't slow.
Tell me how cute I look in my skirt today.
Hold my hand and take me far, far away.
I know your older and I think that's ****.
Do whatever, whatever you want to me.
Smiling at school as my braces shine in the light.
Keeping my teeth straight and a stuffed bra to look right.
Everyone warns me, but don't worry I don't listen.
Because after school it's you I'll be kissin'.
I know you'll love and take care of me.
**** the world, counseling, and therapy.
I lost my family and friends but your still there.
And the money and drugs you have, you share.
No more school and far away from home.
Where are you? Now I am all alone.

How much I feel inside today is painful to mention.
Naughty again sitting in detention.
This medication doesn't help how I feel.
Is there anything that will allow me to heal.
I'm in danger every minute of my pitiful life.
Looking once again to get ahold of a knife.
I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do.
To feel better I fantasize about you.
But your already dead and gone.
And we continue life as nothing is wrong.
Sin emerges out of nowhere like an earthquake.
There's not much more of this I can take.
So far from reality everyone is gone again.
I can't even rely on a single friend.
But in the end I think it will be ok.
Every night I sleep I pray again for a better day.
Will it come? No one knows.
I guess we wait for spring rain to drip from the rose.

I hate myself, I wish I would die.
Its like starring death in his eyes.
But death never makes a move or sound.
Its like time stopped but everyone moves around.
I flirt with razors and guns.
Only stopping because of my daughters and son.
If something takes me, take me soon.
I wish I would die this very afternoon.
To much stress, to much pressure.
To much pain, not enough pleasure.
Quietly laying and starring at the ceiling.
Suffering from a malfunctioning thing called feelings.

I feel so sick and I'm alone.
Listening to the empty dial tone.
Starring out the window at a miserable dream.
I sit quietly because no one would hear me scream.
Watching the fury things scramble on the T.V.
Pumped full of depression, sitting in the world that killed me.
Pacing around wondering how I even managed to move.
I know below these wrists my blood still runs blue.
Sitting, standing, walking, anything to pass the time.
The way I think should be considered a crime.
I can't speak of what I really think and feel.
And the nightmares become all to real.
I look outside as I turn off the lights.
Letting the manic episodes give way to eerie voices and sights.
If I could let my mind rest than I would know.
When I come to lively and deadly fork in the road Ill know which way to go.

Depression Report #718

f*ck if I know...
It's a good day today. Found a bit of relief.
Sigh...
I just don't know...
I wonder about tomorrow. Will it bring pain?
Sigh... It takes all I have just to sigh.
One more time?
Sigh... It feels better.
But only for now. Hopefully later!
Sigh...
I just want to sleep...

The mood is set, the coffin comes to rest.
Tears and laughter God bless.
The dirt topples over my new found home.
Set to rot and reveal my emotions and bones.

Wait... Why am I still thinking?
My heart beats my eyes blinking.
Hard to breathe, so hard to breathe.
A slight jerking motion, whats beneath?

The coffin moves, I know its moving.
The sound of flowing water so soothing.
Scraps and bumps the coffin rattles around.
Screaming for nothing I can't make a sound.

Razor roots intrude into my resting space.
Cutting at my wrists and my confused face.
Water seeps in quickly turning to a flood.
Thrashing in razors water and mud.

Fighting and holding on to life whatever that means.
A small speck of light can be seen!
I can do this I can escape.
Drowning in emotions of hysterical rage.

Almost there I can feel the way out.
Still struggling to scream and shout.
Water fills the remaining spaces only to suffocate.
Two deaths in a day can anyone relate?

Crazy little things, crazy little cuts.
The voice in my head tells me its a must.
Staying alive is driving me fckng nuts.

Hate myself and all the people in the world.
The emotions trapped in my mind are hurled.
The vision of wisdom has been blurred.

If I could ask you to **** me, would you?
Loving me with hatred its what I want you to do.
Strangle my thoughts until my lips turn blue.

No more love, no more life, just stains of me.
Blame my suicide on the sole fact it was curiosity.
Its your own fault you didn't set me free.

The conclusion is you never really understood.
The evil in me was actually meant to be good.
Living, this I am aware that I should.

To late now forever frozen in space and time.
Meeting in the afterlife we can finally unwind.
Even though I am gone you will always be mine.

Deep in the woods of sin holds a golden gallows.
The beautiful waters glisten in the shallows.

The trees weep with the sight of sad misery.
The ground buries the remnants of artillery.

A magical place of fantasy and death.
The creeping moss takes one final breath.

An untainted paradise that will remain for years.
Only holding memories of death and fears.

One day the grounds will be trampled yet again.
Lost in life death is truly my only friend.

-

Deep in the woods of sin holds sadness that is true.
The beautiful waters run with blood red hue.

The trees struggle for growth and might.
The ground slowly gives way into the night.
'
A magical place that has fallen to death of man.
Moss sharp and brittle cutting of fingers and hands.

The tainted paradise stained with screams and blood.
Quietly sweeping branches under natures rug.

The grounds have been trampled nature has been disturbed.
Death of man is truly deserved

I am lifeless forced sitting still.
Hundreds of cuts no blood to spill.
Slaps and punches still I won't bruise.
Just don't leave me I am here to abuse.

Spill your pain onto me.
Lost on a suicidal journey.
Breaking through.
To something new.

Still lifeless, still no pain.
Come and attack me again.
Force your fears into my mind.
Seal it away never to remind.

Just don't leave me.
I will take your agony.

A past of sugar and modern day spice

In the past of a golden age.
To the future we turn a page.
Nothing to little, nothing to small.
But over time we have created all.
A golden thorn now settles beneath.
it settles beneath the working mans feet.
Great pyramids torn to the ground.
As the bombs drop, our hearts pound.
Was more for the better and good?
We have given all we could.
A tragic display of a wasteland.
Falling down, losing our stand.
Robots and machines create this way.
The sun drops and rises to a new day.
Further and further we **** us all.
Our generation shown big but taught small.
Look what we have into.
Do we understand? Do you?
From a sharpened stick to a firing gun.
The sugar is devoured but the spices still done.
Once you go so far you can’t go back.
Here we live in the days of black.

We talk, we chat, typing on the keyboard.
Pictures you I collect, file and hoard.
I laugh, I cry, I tell you all about me.
Even being so beautiful, your so friendly.
Chat room to IM and IMs to e-mail.
Talking with you never gets stale.
E-mails to IMs and IMs to the phone.
Always making me feel better when I feel alone.
I get attached, you get attached, we fall in love.
So close to one, yet to far away for hugs.
You laugh at my jokes and cry with my pain.
We share childhood memories of playing in the rain.
From IMs, to phone, from phone to person we finally meet.
happy and joyful we hug and kiss, so happy to be.
time has passed we cherish, love and finally marry.
the laughter continues, over the sands it’s you I carry.
Together forever, always it was meant to be.
I guess good things come from Internet curiosity

So beautiful, **** and clean.
It’s something I wish I could be.
Dying so young now I really never had a chance.
She walks so proud in tight designer pants.
Miss popular there’s no doubt in any ones mind.
I try and try to keep up but only ending up losing time.
As she brushes her long beautiful brown hair.
I sit with a hat on covering what is not there.
And you’d think maybe I could get a little attention.
It feels like I am in never ending detention.
She drives a very nice car and has it all.
I stand alone on the yard hoping to play some ball.
She has her life ahead of her, it must be so nice.
Thinking of these lonely wrists, slice, slice.
***, fashion, happiness and rock and roll.
I have nothing and it’s spiraling out of control.
Shes going to live for a very long time indeed.
The doctor told me I have five years left to take it easy.
How ironic is life, when she crashes and dies the next night.
As I keep pushing through this five year fight.

Going to school today not even making a sound.
The adrenaline rush makes my heart pound.
Just me and my lunch box today thats all I need.
I got so much food in here the whole lunchroom I could feed.
No ones going to have to steal my lunch today.
I will practically be giving it away.
The bell rings it’s time to begin with first hour.
I sit front row with my lunch box and don’t even cower.
They laugh at me saying “Oh did mommy make your lunch?”
After first hour I am in the halls, they taunt and punch.
I stagger to second hour still holding my lunch box.
These sticks and stones fell like logs and rocks.
It’s ok though.
Only two more hours to go.
By third class Iv’e been quite abused.
Teachers laughing so fckng amused.
the bell rings its finally time to go and eat.
Once again in the lunchroom I have no seat.
I raise my lunch box standing proud and high.
I yell as loud as I can “who’s ready to die?”
They all laugh like I am some fckng joke.
This lunch box is about to open and smoke.
I reach inside and flailed my armed hand.
Firing off rounds of hate, I am making a stand.
I don’t know how many I shot and killed that day.
But this lunch box warrior got his way