my stomach is in knots
and i feel so sick thinking about you
holding anyone that isn’t me
and i don’t understand why you thought it’d be a good idea
to tell me that you’re falling asleep at night
with another girl in your bed,
even if you’re not kissing her goodnight,
i tried to drown out my sobs all day with
modern vampires of the city on vinyl,
but it still feels like someone
sunk fangs in my lungs

it’s only been a week, the cuts from your nails
from holding my heart so tight
are still fresh
and i never asked you to stop,
i never told you i wanted to try
to be more than friends again,
i never tried to paint your hands red,
but all you could seem to do is defend
yourself and repeat that you’ve done nothing wrong
“you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends”

and we are just friends
i just wanted you to understand and acknowledge
that it still hurts

and you can say you’re sorry, you said sorry,
but i’m sure she’s tucked in beneath your sheets right now
and you’re still repeating in your head
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
we’re just friends
we’re just friends
we’re just friends

and i’m glad you’re comfortable,
i’m glad you know you’ve done nothing wrong,
i’m glad you have someone to hold at night,
i’m glad thoughts of me don’t rip your heart out,
i’m glad you’re okay with being just friends

i’m glad you’re fine,

but, i’m sorry,
i’m not.

everybody just sits around and waits for something to happen
nothing ever does
we just sit
and sit
and sit
then we might scream our emotions out
or push them to the side
or watch bad movies
maybe even find a new hobby
to distract ourselves
from the nothing-ness
that is
us

It's sad because I'm lying to you everyday, pretending that i care. I am becoming the person that i never wanted me to be. I know one day you will find out about all the lies i told you. How i was whispering in his ear and having his strong arms hold me behind your back. I'm sorry that you loved him and drove yourself insane and he tossed you away like those rotting white roses. But i'll never be sorry that he chose me. That he accepts me and tells me all his secrets. I love being the one. I know i'm selfish. I know i should feel guilty. But i don't and i probably never will.  I can still hear his high pitched singing voice, reminding me of an old Maroon 5 song filtered by the strong rain tapping on my roof. Tip tip tapping, while we're singing lost stars. We're both aware that you cry, wishing you could be me. But you're not. And i sometimes want to give this all away. But i won't.
               - m.r. | and i even promised you

Walking down the avenues
And my stomach is turning
Im stuck in my head
My heart is pounding harder
9 little cracks, a dusted off corner
Left alone
They call me a brain vagabond
I dont know where to go
Wonderland, is what i call home

Im not insane
Im not insane
Im not insane
I jumped over a wall
Im not insane
Glasses crack, piano starts
Bass drops
Im okay
Im okay
Im okay

Lips are cracked
Eyes are glistening
Dry throat
I see home
ballgowns, insanity
Heart-shaped hats, non-existent cats

Im run into a strange mans arms
Im alright
Im not insane
Im okay.
                  
                        - m.r. | wonderland