Dear you,
Hi it's me the idiot girl who fell in love with you.
As much as I don't like admitting this, I can no longer refuse to call it to the surface after 6 long years of mentally denying it.
I wish I hadn't; fallen in love with you that is.
I thought after what happened I could easily cut you out and try to forget, but I say this honestly now, that never really happened in my heart.
You don't have to worry though as much as my heart breaks and hurts I won't confess to you.
I will continue to play the role of "friend" and pick up my pieces after.
I will keep it locked inside me and one day, hopefully, I won't be the idiot girl anymore.
I will have let go and moved on.
But I'm not her now; as much as I would like.
Cause here I am still in love with you.
The memories I have of us are joyous but laced in pain.
When I delve into them it's like I willingly place my heart into the fire...... I can't help it.
Sometimes I wonder was any of it ever real?
You made me question my value.
Even to this day I shy away from intimacy and others that may try to get to know me.
And you know why?
Because it's your face I see, it's the way YOU make me feel that I feel.
They can't compare.
Then I wonder will I be like this forever?
Even when you lied to me, even when you began walking away, I still loved you, I still love you.
Sometimes it's hard to look at your face.
As we have begun to be friends again, I find myself holding back.
Reminding myself not to go back there again.
As much as I still love you, I know that it is just as much you still don't love me.
I have been asking God lately to help me when it comes to you.
I pray that He would change THE WAY I love you.
I have asked Him to help me see you as a brother, but He made me realize that first I must be willing to give up all the feelings I have for you now.
My grip is a lot stronger than I thought so it is going to take some time.
There are moments I physically remove myself from you so I can be firmly planted on the ground again.
Believe me when I say I am trying.
I don't want you to be constantly worried if I will like you again, although I have admitted to loving you this isn't what you have to watch out for.
This is a me thing.
This is a path I have to walk and funnily enough I have to walk it alone.
You can't fix it, you can't prevent it.
Only I can.
So I will continue to love you at a distance until my grip loosens and my love is able to change.
You don't need to worry, I've got this.
Continue being you and I will continue being me.
Eventually the knots will untangle and we will both be set free.
Sincerely,
The idiot girl in love with you.